Singles and Roommates: How to Live With a Roommate

You've done your homework. You've interviewed your candidate, called references, checked credit, made copies of the signed lease. Now it's time to give your new roommate the key and get down to the business of living together.

Depending on how you conduct that delicate business, you can lay the foundation for a fantastic roommate relationship or the ninth circle of hell, in which a decided chill settles over your home. Here are some tips for how to live with your roommate and keep your relations warm and cozy:



1. Find a balance between time together and time apart.

If you want to foster good relations with your roommate, it's a great idea to cook dinner together or rent a movie on a regular basis, say once every week or two. But you'll also want to construct a flexible but constant partition between your lives. The unremitting presence of another person can be overkill even in the closest friendship, so make sure you get out of the house, whether it's to hang out with your own friends or just to go shopping.


2. Keep your personal belongings personal.

If you both have your DVDs in the living room, keep them on two separate racks. Assign each person his or her own shelf in the pantry and the linen closet. Keep your cosmetic or hair care products in your own drawer in the bathroom.

Singles who hold fast to the old maxim "share and share alike" may balk at this "petty" behavior, but the fact is that when the gift fairy was handing out personality traits, some people were blessed with heaps more generosity than others. Attitudes toward personal possessions can vary as widely as height and weight, and although one's comfort level with sharing can't be termed "right" or "wrong," it can cause conflict when it clashes with someone else's values. A roommate who thinks "what's mine is yours" will be hurt if her closet is always open to you but yours isn't to her. Conversely, if you treat your fridge like one big buffet and assume your roomie will replace what he consumes, you may be disappointed.

So don't be afraid to separate personal belongings. When you introduce your roommate to his own closet shelf, he'll get the idea. If you want to share some of your things, identify which ones upfront, as well as the conditions of their use. You can do this tactfully. For example, you might say,"By the way, if you'd like to watch one of my DVDs when I'm not home, go ahead. Just make sure you put it back when you're done." Or, "You're welcome to borrow my clothes as long as you ask me first of course." Be specific so that borrowing your belongings is the exception, not the rule.

And naturally, you should be respectful of your roommate's wishes, too. Don't take it personally if he or she doesn't want to share. Not everybody does, and that's okay as long as he or she doesn't expect to mooch off you instead.


3. Divide the chores.

Decide right away what level of cleanliness you expect from your roommate and divide the household chores accordingly. If you picked your roommate wisely, you'll be in agreement about how often the cleaning should be done. Assigning tasks can be done tactfully as well. For instance, when you explain how to use the vacuum cleaner, you might say, "I vacuum the common areas once a week. I figured we could take turns." If your roommate is well intentioned but forgetful, make a chart so you'll both know whose turn it is to do what.


4. If you have a problem, address it right away.

In my experience, there's nothing more divisive than letting a problem fester. If your roommate's post-midnight ukulele practice sessions are driving you nuts, tell him ASAP. The longer you wait, the more resentful you'll feel and the more likely your temper will erupt when you finally do confront him. Furthermore, if you don't speak up, you can set an unwitting precedent of acceptance. If her sculptor boyfriend has already been living on your sofa for six months, your roommate isn't going to understand why you want him out now. She'll be much more responsive if you inform her immediately that Le Artiste needs a studio of his own.

Again, remain as calm and polite as possible when discussing differences. There's a proverb that says "you'll accomplish more with sugar than salt," so speak with a honied tongue and avoid the salty language. :)


5. Don't make mountains out of molehills.

No matter what you do to smooth the transition, learning to live with someone is a journey paved with its own ruts and potholes. Your roommate isn't perfect, and neither are you. Expect that there will occasionally be tension, and not every problem will have an easy solution. At the end of the day, sometimes you have to compromise. When your roommate is making kissy sounds into the phone for the twentieth time in as many minutes, when you've stumbled over his shoes by the coffee table again, when she's digging into that odiferous Gorgonzola cheese with gusto, sometimes you just have to put on a happy face, shrug your shoulders, and remember that your favorite pickled herring isn't her lunch of choice, either.



Moving in with a roommate can be a test of patience, open-mindedness, and communicational skills. But with a few ground rules, you can pass the test with flying colors. People don't live in isolation, and if nothing else, rooming with someone is an educational experience that will improve your relations with coworkers, friends, family members, and maybe a future spouse. And, with a little luck, your roommate will become not just a boarder but a companion and friend.

Do you have a roommate or have you had one in the past? How has it worked out for you? What are some of your own tips for living peacefully with a roomie?


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