Advice Q&A: How to Answer "Why Don't You Have Children?"

Last week, Singletude reader Ami was in search of memorable replies to singlist questions. With the help of other readers, Singletude offered some possible answers to one of those questions in "Advice Q&A: How to Answer "Why Are You Single?" Suggested replies ranged from informative to tactful to (hopefully) funny. (If you have other ideas, it's not too late to add them to the comments!)

Ami also asked about how to answer those folks who think just because they know, courtesy of Twitter, what half the world is planning for the weekend, they also have the right to know what you're planning for your womb (or someone else's womb if you're a guy).



Q: The following are questions people ask me frequently. I would love to have some better, newer answers. Any and all suggestions appreciated.

2. "Do you have children?" I used to say a simple "no" and leave it at that. But, I adore children, and I sensed some parents were a bit offended. Lately I say, "No, I just have doggie-kids. I love my dogs. I have lots of nieces and nephews, though. I just love being an aunt." Or, if I know the person is single and childless, I simply say no. That one isn't too bad. But parents tend to ask part two of that question, which is...

3. "Why don't you have any children?" This is rude and offensive. It puts me on the defense, and I'm not sure why. I have never desired to have children. I did try to conceive for two years at the beginning of my marriage because my ex-husband talked me into it. I am looking for polite answers, vague answers, and especially witty, sarcastic answers. =) I need a good answer for the different types of askers. For many, I don't mind shaming them a tiny bit for asking. My goal is that they take a hint and don't ask the next single girl. Better yet, ask a man my age.


A: It's understandable that this question makes you feel defensive. Asking why you don't have something implies that you should have it, that you are not the norm if you don't. That is rude and offensive. Beyond this judgmental implication, the question is also impolite because the decision to have children is such a private one. Finally, magnifying the insensitivity to the nth degree, this question rubs salt in the big, gaping wound of anyone who wants kids but, for one reason or another, can't have them.

As with questions about why you're single, the question of why you're child-free presents an opportunity to broaden your interrogator's mind and help him or her understand that parenting is not for everyone. Just like married couples who don't get why some singles wouldn't want to have the pleasure of living on top of someone else 24/7, some parents can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to wipe snotty little noses and drooly little mouths as a prelude to morning coffee. Or, worse, they equate this lack of interest with a fatal character flaw like selfishness, egotism, intolerance, or--the very worst of all--an irrational hatred of cute, cuddly poo factories.

Seriously, though, there are plenty of singles who like kids just fine but don't want to raise them or simply don't want to raise them alone. That's a valid reason not to have a baby and one that other people should be expected to accept. As you noticed, though, sometimes parents bristle because they misinterpret a choice not to parent as a judgment on them for choosing parenthood or even a judgment on their children. So, if you want to explain your decision to a parent, it's good to phrase it in a diplomatic way that makes it clear you're not condemning their lifestyle. For example, you might say, "I love kids and spoil my nieces and nephews rotten, but I don't have any myself. I admire people who take on that commitment. It's such an important job. But I've always felt driven to dedicate myself to (fill in the blank with some of the pursuits you love). I believe that's the best way I can give of myself."

However, questions about your childbearing plans, even more than questions about your marital status, are highly personal, and you certainly don't owe anyone an answer, no matter how innocent their intentions. On the contrary, since this line of questioning can be embarrassing and even painful, it makes sense if you'd rather discourage it entirely. So...bring on the one-liners!

Significantly, I think, a Google search revealed few sources that address how a single woman might answer "Why don't you have kids?" So, some of the following web pages were intended for infertile or childless couples. Nevertheless, most of the responses are adaptable and span the gamut from, as you said, polite to vague to witty and sarcastic. Feel free to look them over:


"Great Comebacks for Questions and Criticisms for Not Wanting Kids"
"How Do I Answer the Following 'Rude' Questions?"
"No Kids? There's Gotta Be a Snappy Comeback"
"When Are You Going to Have Kids?"


Some other comebacks I've heard or thought of over the years:


"That's not what life had in store for me."
"Some people don't. Guess I'm one of them."
"I used to ask myself that question. Now I know the answer. I made the best choice for me."
"I wanted to save them from a lifetime of therapy."
"My therapist tells me I should kick the drug habit first."
"Because I wouldn't force my worst enemy to relive my adolescence, much less my own child."
"I can't even feed myself three square meals a day!"
"I used up my maternal instinct on my dogs/cats."
"I don't? Oh, no! I must've left them at the mall/the doctor's/McDonald's/etc.
"Kids? What a great idea! I'll pencil that in between my hour-long commute and 10-hour workday...or before my Wednesday night class...or after my weekly co-op board meeting...or maybe on Saturdays after the soup kitchen."
"As you can see, mom jeans just aren't 'me.'"
"I consider it my own contribution to carbon reduction."
"Because I really like sex."
"Because I know how to use birth control responsibly."
"Because I don't believe in 'accidents.'"
"Why, are you volunteering free childcare?"
"Why don't you ask my ex?"
"I did." (meaningful silence)
"Not everyone has that option."
"Because I've been waiting to see how yours turned out first!"



When we return to "Singletude Q&A," we'll brainstorm some more creative answers to matrimaniacal questions, so keep your thinking caps on!


If you're a child-free single and feel comfortable sharing, do you hope to be a parent someday? If you're child-free by choice, how did you reach the decision not to have kids? How would you advise Ami to answer people who ask, "Why don't you have children?" Can you think of any witty one-liners?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have an unpublished rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"! Singletude makes every effort to republish submissions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your submission for length and clarity.


Disclaimer: Clever Elsie is not a licensed mental health professional and does not give professional advice. Her answers are based on experience and what she hopes is more common sense than displayed by her eponymous Grimm Brothers character. She cannot be held legally responsible for your choice to follow her advice, although she thanks you for thinking it clever.


Don't miss your chance to enter the Singletude giveaway contest to win over $150 in prizes from SingleEdition.com! The deadline is 9/27/09, so enter today!

Advice Q&A: How to Answer "Why Are You Single?"

Recently, a Singletude reader wrote in with some questions about how to answer those matrimaniacs who can't fathom why you haven't yet partaken of their particular brand of crazy. Ami, a single, child-free thirtysomething, is looking for appropriate responses--or, better yet, snappy comebacks--to a number of questions that make singles cringe. We'll address one of those questions today, the dreaded "Why are you single?"



Q: I am single by choice and circumstance. Quite simply, I would be thrilled to meet a man who is like-minded and up to my personal standards. These are standards I set for myself, for the most part. I have not met him, and I refuse to settle for less than I deserve. I am happy living alone and enjoy time to myself. I would much rather be single than in an unhappy relationship. It isn't always easy, but I don't let any man cause me to believe otherwise. The following are questions people ask me frequently. I would love to have some better, newer answers. Any and all suggestions appreciated.

1. "Are you serious? YOU don't have a man??? How can that be? You are beautiful/intelligent/successful/yada, yada...WHY would YOU be all alone/single?" I won't lie and say I don't enjoy the compliments, sincere or whatever. But, they simply reaffirm what I already know...I deserve a man that is right for me, and I won't settle for less. Nobody should. Those who do often end up miserable.


A: When someone asks why you're single, they might as well ask, "Why are you 25?" or "Why are you Irish?" or "Why are you tall?" Well, uhm...because I am. It's as though they assume that singleness is the symptom of some problem, which they could fix for you if only you'd clue them in, rather than a part of who you are--and only a small part, at that, subject to change. It's also like asking, "Why are you Buddhist?" or "Why are you a Democrat?" or "Why are you a librarian?" in that it's a question that can't be seriously answered without a lengthy, personal discussion. And who wants to have a lengthy, personal discussion with someone you just shook hands with five minutes ago? For that reason, when someone asks why you're single, it can feel like the psychological equivalent of backing you into a corner and leaning into your eight inches of personal space--with garlic breath, no less.

As offensive as it can be, though, if you're so inclined, it can be a great opportunity to educate the nosy party about singles. Something I've noticed over the past year and am still coming to terms with is that many people who ask questions like this aren't aware that they're offensive or--hello?--awkward. Sometimes they imagine you must be upset about your singleness (usually because they would be if they were single) and want to encourage you or help in some way. Other times, they may be genuinely curious. They may even just be making small talk and don't know what else to say.

Does that mean it's okay for them to ask why you're single? If it's not okay with you, of course not. But if they're not asking with intent to hurt or irritate, then they're asking out of ignorance, and the best way to combat ignorance is with knowledge--in this case, your firsthand knowledge of being single. What you said in your first paragraph, Ami, was terrific! As much as you might relish firing back with a real zinger, a candid explanation like you gave in your intro above could help a singlist person (i.e., someone who has a bias against singles or being single) open his or her mind and understand how "single" can be a good choice, not an unfortunate mistake. It might also help them realize how a question like "Why are you single?" can deeply affect someone. On the other hand, a sarcastic comeback could put them on the defensive or make you seem defensive, reinforcing their unfavorable attitudes about singles.

But what about those people who ask why you're single out of spite, arrogance, envy, or their own insecurity, people who see your crestfallen face and secretly think, Score! What about when you don't have the time or patience to tick off the top 10 reasons you're single to someone standing between you and your lunch break? What about when you're tired of taking this whole single thing so seriously? For some clever one-liners, check out:


"Single Women and Men Give Advice on How to Respond to 'Why Aren't You Married?'"
"Why Are You Still Single?"
"Funny Comebacks to 'Why Are You Still Single?'" (Read the comments for some real gems!)


Some other retorts I've heard or thought of myself include:


"Why not?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Why are you (insert something they can't change such as 'American,' 'blonde,' or 'short')?"
"Because I don't settle."
"Because I won't take part in a legal system that discriminates against singles."
"Because I can't afford his-and-hers closets, and I like my space."
"Because I like drinking milk out of the carton."
"Because I like a good night's sleep."
"Because if I wanted to be someone's mother, I'd have a baby."
"Because I already have a job."
"Because it's so much fun getting proposals!"
"Because my home is the only place I can get away from people."
"Because I want my cat/dog to grow up in a stable environment."
"Because when I argue with myself, I always win."
"Because I wouldn't want to inflict my cooking/housekeeping/driving/etc. on anyone else."
"Because I can't walk well when I'm attached at the hip."
"Because after I grew up, taking orders from someone else got old."
"Because if I married just anyone, I might deprive a village of its idiot."
"Because if I end up with a bad model, I can't get my money back."

And, last but not least, Singletude reader Bobbyboy has been known to answer the question "When are you getting married?" with "When I'm ready." Simple, gracious, and no-nonsense, the kind of answer that brooks no argument. Another version modified to fit "Why are you single?" would be:

"Because I'm not ready to be married."


Just for fun, you might also want to take a look at a former Singletude post, "'Why Aren't You Married Yet?'"



In the next installment of "Singletude Q&A," we'll tackle another of Ami's questions, how to respond to that favorite of smug marrieds, "Why don't you have kids?" (Hint: "I did, but they got to be too much of a hassle" might not cut it.)


Why are you single? How would you advise Ami to answer that question? Can you think of some witty one-liners?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have an unpublished rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"! Singletude makes every effort to republish submissions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your submission for length and clarity.


Disclaimer: Clever Elsie is not a licensed mental health professional and does not give professional advice. Her answers are based on experience and what she hopes is more common sense than displayed by her eponymous Grimm Brothers character. She cannot be held legally responsible for your choice to follow her advice, although she thanks you for thinking it clever.


Don't forget to enter the Singletude giveaway contest for your chance to win over $150 in prizes from SingleEdition.com!

Advice Q & A: Getting Back Together with an Ex

A little while ago, a 16-year-old Singletude reader, Victoria Gothic, sent in a question about getting back together with an ex. Since that's a dilemma that many singles confront at every age, I thought it might be helpful to give this question and answer a blog entry of its own.



Q: Elsie, I need some advice. To get to the point, a relationship that ended almost two years ago on my birthday is coming back around. To make clear, I’m not even sure if anything will happen. It's just a fleeting thought, but since this is her last year at the school as a senior, it's now or never. To begin, she was my first ‘real’ relationship, and as we all do in the first, we give it too much focus, and think it will last forever. That illusion is usually quickly shattered, leaving us to more realistic relationships later on. The only thing is, I had one other relationship since, and it was short and meaningless--I was only attempting to fill a huge void in my life. Come to think of it, it's one of the things that started me writing.

But the thing is, I miss her so much. For the longest time, it's just been wanting to find ‘someone.’ But just recently, it's not just someone that I want to find--it's her. It's true, we were a nightmare of a couple; we were both egocentric, I was a little more pessimistic than her, but not by much, and we were really obsessive, so we were always thinking about each other. In short, we drove our friends, each other, and ourselves completely and wholly insane.
But, despite all the horrible times, the chaos that reigned during and the emptiness that ensued afterward, I would do it all over again. When I was with her, I was happy, truly happy. Just thinking of her would make me feel better. I no longer felt powerless, hopeless--like I couldn’t amount to anything. She made me think I was someone who actually had an effect upon the world. Now then, I hate that phrase, ‘you make me a better person,’ but it’s true. I was happy, outgoing, optimistic (scary huh?), but then that all came crumbling down.

Late March of 2006-- my birthday. She dumped me for some guy I didn’t really know, and haven’t met to this day. I didn’t care at the time. I felt numb--like I had just been removed from the arctic ocean and the pain was just searing my flesh. Afterwards, I became who I am today: someone who doesn’t believe in love, and who despises all who are happy because of it. (Except a few. There are a few that have reason to be.) It made me an even more pessimistic person. I didn’t believe anything good could come of anyone, and so I’ve been alone all this time waiting, waiting for that ‘someone’ who I’ve now come to realize about two years later--its her all over again. Should I do it all over again?


A: Let me first say that I'm sorry you experienced such a serious heartbreak two years ago. It's so painful to lose someone you love, especially that first love, which is so intense. And I'm sure that was compounded by the fact that there was someone else involved, which inevitably leads to feelings of rejection and self-doubt. So you had to recover from two blows--the end of the relationship and your ex's choice to give her love to somebody else. I've been there, and I know how devastating that is.

After a betrayal like that, it's natural to feel hurt, and some people do become bitter about love. It's terrifying to contemplate opening up to someone and getting hurt again, and it can be easier to protect ourselves by just writing off relationships. And, in fact, avoiding new relationships is a good idea while you're still recovering from the last one. But eventually, as the hurt subsides with time and space, it usually becomes clear that we've been transferring our negative feelings about the ending of one relationship onto the potential for new love, and at that point, we can let go of the old bitterness and look towards the future. It sounds like you may be reaching that point.

In your case, though, the situation is complicated by the fact that the person you've reached that point with is your ex, the same girl who hurt you so deeply when she left you before. On the positive side, from things you've said in the past, this relationship was based on a longtime friendship that outlasted the messy breakup. That shows that you and your ex have a strong bond and that you can weather storms together in a mature fashion. On the other hand, based on what you've told me, I'd also advise you to ask yourself--and her--a few questions before you jump back into the relationship.

I don't know all the details about your former or current relationship with your ex, but there are two important factors in your decision to reinvolve yourself with her romantically--how you've changed and how she's changed. Anytime you consider returning to a past relationship, that's the number one question: What's different this time that will prevent this relationship from ending up where it did last time?

Obviously, you're both older, and especially when you're young, two years can make a big difference. One of the great difficulties of dating in the teens and even early twenties is that, even though we all grow and change throughout life, there's a particularly dynamic restructuring of identity that takes place in youth. While we're still figuring out ourselves, it's hard to know what we want in someone else. Add to this the fact that dating is brand new in the teens, which creates a powerful urge to explore, and you have a recipe for the high dating turnover that you've noticed among your friends!

Has your ex explained to you why she left you for someone else as well as what's changed that she wants to give it a shot again? When you're 15 or 16, it's normal to want to experiment and get to know different people. But did her experimenting teach her something about why she'd rather be with you? Two years later, perhaps it has. But at 17 or 18, remember that she's still young and may still have more exploring to do before she knows what she wants in the long run, no matter how sure about it she seems now. And because she's a senior, if she's planning to go off to college, that distance could put a real strain on your relationship.

Then there's the question of what's changed for you. Up until recently, you seemed sure that you weren't ready for a relationship and mentioned several times that you think you're too self-absorbed. First of all, I just want to reassure you that focusing on yourself in adolescence is totally normal! As I said before, this is a time when you're discovering who you're becoming, so it's natural to be caught up in your own thoughts and feelings. Only you can know whether or not this will prevent you from giving time and attention to someone else, though. In the past, you've expressed concern that it might, so it's something to think about.

Finally, I want to address something you said that really stood out to me:

...We were a nightmare of a couple; we were both egocentric...and we were really obsessive, so we were always thinking about each other. In short, we drove our friends, each other, and ourselves completely and wholly insane. But, despite all the horrible times, the chaos that reigned during and the emptiness that ensued afterward, I would do it all over again. When I was with her, I was happy, truly happy...I no longer felt powerless, hopeless- like I couldn’t amount to anything. She made me think I was someone who actually had an effect upon the world.

Now I'm going to make some guesses here because I don't know the details of your situation, so if I'm wrong, feel free to correct me. You said that you and your ex were "a nightmare of a couple" and followed that up with some comments that suggest your relationship was pretty tumultuous. Again, I can't look inside your heart and see what's going on, but what jumps out at me is that the things you miss aren't things about your ex but things she made you feel about yourself. Powerful. Hopeful. Like you could have an effect on the world.

Victoria, you can have an effect on the world. You can live a life that's influential, and you can do great things, whether for a million people or for the people who know you and love you best. Although I don't know you personally, I know that you're a very intelligent, insightful, mature young woman, and that's a foundation that can take you many places. But those talents are yours, Victoria. No one else can give them to you, and no one else can take them away. People will come in and out of your life--lovers, friends, coworkers--but those gifts will always be yours, and you are the only one who can determine how they will be used.

Maybe you have other reasons for getting back together with your ex. Maybe you also love her laugh or the great conversations you have with her or the thoughtful way she brings you soup when you're sick or how trustworthy she is with your secrets or how you both share an interest in books...Whatever her personality traits are, maybe those are the things you love, and those are reason enough to be with her. (If you have any doubt about this, by the way, you might want to try making a list of things you love about her as well as things that rub you the wrong way.)

But if what you really miss is what you discovered about yourself when you were with her, then think carefully about whether you want to get back together. Ask yourself what will happen if she doesn't make you feel those things about yourself anymore. In an earlier post, you alluded to the roller coaster nature of your relationship and how your moods became dependent on hers. If she lashes out at you or ignores you or brings you down in some other way when she's not happy, will you then start feeling powerless and hopeless again? A sense of self-efficacy is something that you build for yourself through time and experience as your competence is tested in various ways and you pass those tests. Another person can't give you self-efficacy, though they can give you the illusion of it because their attention, affection, and belief in you are a boost to your confidence. But sooner or later, those tests arise, and as comforting as it is to have the support of others, only you can pass or fail them.

Bottom line: You and your ex have undoubtedly grown a lot in two years. What has changed about her that leads you to believe she will be more careful of your heart this time? What has changed about the two of you that will make your relationship dynamic healthier than it was? And what, if anything, has changed about your feelings toward her? Do you really love her, or do you love the way you felt about you when you were with her? Have you forgiven her completely for the past so that you'll be starting out without hard feelings? Are you hoping to relive your past relationship? (Remember that you're both older and somewhat more experienced now, so it will never be exactly the same.)

Whether you get back together with your ex or not, I truly hope you'll realize that you are a capable person on your own. It's easier to know that intellectually than to feel it, I know. A lot of the time, it really does just take some time and experience as life gives us challenges to meet in the form of higher education, job opportunities, volunteer positions and the like.

Here's something I want you to try, though, whether or not you get back together with her: Make a list of at least ten things you've accomplished in the past two years since the two of you broke up. They don't have to be awards or prizes. They can be things like the Yule dinner you organized on your own recently. Then, next to each accomplishment, write down what skills you learned you have from that success. For example, next to the Yule dinner, you might write "I am a good organizer" or "I can plan a fun event for a large group." Hang up that list somewhere you can see it, and reread it often, especially when you're doubting yourself. Remember that you achieved those things because you had the ability to achieve them, not because of who you were or weren't dating.



What do you think about getting back together with an ex? Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? If so, how did it work out?


If you have a question for Clever Elsie, please send it in! Singletude makes every effort to republish questions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your question for length and clarity.

Disclaimer: Clever Elsie is not a licensed mental health professional and does not give professional advice. Her answers are based on experience and what she hopes is more common sense than displayed by her eponymous Grimm Brothers character. She cannot be held legally responsible for your choice to follow her advice, although she thanks you for thinking it clever.


Fun Link of the Day