Friends Don't Let Friends Kiss and Tell

As I've noted before, one of the tenets of Singletude is that mutual respect is an integral part of any relationship, short-term or long-term, romantic or otherwise. A pet peeve of mine is the crass talk that some singles engage in when discussing their dates with friends.

I'm sure you've heard it, too. Guys get a lot of flak for it from women, and it's probably true that they tend to be cruder and more explicit. But the ladies are just as guilty of mean-spirited gossip after a date. While men may bare the details--no pun intended--of their sexual encounters, some women boast about how readily they can get a smitten guy to ask how high when they say jump. And both sexes can be equally malicious, judging their dates for every awkward stutter or popped pimple with a jury of their best buddies or BFFs urging them on.

At least once, it's probably gotten back to you that someone you went out with was not only "just not that into you" but had some choice words to share about the "laugh like Flipper on helium" or the "shag carpets for eyebrows" that he or she wasn't into. Even worse, maybe their derision extended from a genuinely embarrassing first date moment like an unintended display of your Scooby-Doo undies or your Pepsi's quick detour through your nose, and now, instead of cutting your losses and putting the humiliation behind you, you're forced to relive it at intimate gatherings of your close friends and family...and at office parties...and with that old woman on your block who catches you walking your dog and asks again if you aren't the one her grand-something took to that wedding who threw up on the bride's dress 'cause those stains are hard to get out and that must've really been something.

It hurts, doesn't it? And you feel ashamed and betrayed and disillusioned.

But I'll bet, at least once, you've also listened to a friend talk about one of his or her dates in similar fashion. Maybe you've even talked about it yourself. Either way, you laughed and joked about it, just like everybody else.

Wouldn't the dating scene be less intimidating if we didn't talk about each other that way? If you could trust that, no matter what your crush's unflattering opinion of you, the secrets of your first date faux pas would be safe with them?

Ever think that your actions could help keep those secrets safe?

Bragging about conquests and demeaning former dates is primarily a method of distinguishing oneself among peers. It's a way of saying, "Look how awesome I am! I'm too cool for this schmuck!" And, in the case of sexcapades, "I'm too cool for this schmuck, and they still come crawling back to get a piece of me!" If our culture didn't support this behavior, we wouldn't have such an incentive to engage in it.

As with all culturally driven behaviors, you have a hand in how such posing is received in your circle of friends. The next time one of your crowd shreds an innocent former lover, don't endorse it with laughter or agreement. If you wouldn't like a date to talk about you that way, show the same courtesy to the victim of your friend's ugly commentary. You don't have to pull out your handy pocket bible and teach them a moral lesson, but you don't have to encourage their callousness, either.

Don't respond, change the subject, or, if you've met the brunt of your friend's jokes and feel comfortable doing so, try defending him or her. You don't have to lecture. It's enough to answer your friend's suggestion that his ex had a nose to put Ronald McDonald to shame with a short, sweet "I never noticed anything wrong with her nose." Or, if your friend is one of those who thinks it's the height of chic to use someone, try a simple "I feel bad for him; that must've hurt."

If you remove the carrot your friend is aiming for--the respect of your social circle--he won't be so eager to jump. Maybe she'll even pause to think about what she said and be struck by a pang of remorse...Well, okay, the remorse might be stretching it.

The point is our social behavior is driven by rewards and benefits. Maybe, in some 22nd-century utopia, dishing about your date will be as cool as dishing about your parents' sex life. Until then, if we can't appeal to the better side of human nature, we can at least remove the reward for stooping to its basest depravities.

Remember, once upon a time in the 20th century, it was cool to beat up gay teens and make African-Americans sit at the back of the bus.

Attitudes change because someone changed them.

Have you either spilled too much about a date or had this happen to you? How did you feel about it afterward? How do you respond when your friends trash their former flames? Tell us about it!


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