Singles and Roommates: How to Live With a Roommate

You've done your homework. You've interviewed your candidate, called references, checked credit, made copies of the signed lease. Now it's time to give your new roommate the key and get down to the business of living together.

Depending on how you conduct that delicate business, you can lay the foundation for a fantastic roommate relationship or the ninth circle of hell, in which a decided chill settles over your home. Here are some tips for how to live with your roommate and keep your relations warm and cozy:



1. Find a balance between time together and time apart.

If you want to foster good relations with your roommate, it's a great idea to cook dinner together or rent a movie on a regular basis, say once every week or two. But you'll also want to construct a flexible but constant partition between your lives. The unremitting presence of another person can be overkill even in the closest friendship, so make sure you get out of the house, whether it's to hang out with your own friends or just to go shopping.


2. Keep your personal belongings personal.

If you both have your DVDs in the living room, keep them on two separate racks. Assign each person his or her own shelf in the pantry and the linen closet. Keep your cosmetic or hair care products in your own drawer in the bathroom.

Singles who hold fast to the old maxim "share and share alike" may balk at this "petty" behavior, but the fact is that when the gift fairy was handing out personality traits, some people were blessed with heaps more generosity than others. Attitudes toward personal possessions can vary as widely as height and weight, and although one's comfort level with sharing can't be termed "right" or "wrong," it can cause conflict when it clashes with someone else's values. A roommate who thinks "what's mine is yours" will be hurt if her closet is always open to you but yours isn't to her. Conversely, if you treat your fridge like one big buffet and assume your roomie will replace what he consumes, you may be disappointed.

So don't be afraid to separate personal belongings. When you introduce your roommate to his own closet shelf, he'll get the idea. If you want to share some of your things, identify which ones upfront, as well as the conditions of their use. You can do this tactfully. For example, you might say,"By the way, if you'd like to watch one of my DVDs when I'm not home, go ahead. Just make sure you put it back when you're done." Or, "You're welcome to borrow my clothes as long as you ask me first of course." Be specific so that borrowing your belongings is the exception, not the rule.

And naturally, you should be respectful of your roommate's wishes, too. Don't take it personally if he or she doesn't want to share. Not everybody does, and that's okay as long as he or she doesn't expect to mooch off you instead.


3. Divide the chores.

Decide right away what level of cleanliness you expect from your roommate and divide the household chores accordingly. If you picked your roommate wisely, you'll be in agreement about how often the cleaning should be done. Assigning tasks can be done tactfully as well. For instance, when you explain how to use the vacuum cleaner, you might say, "I vacuum the common areas once a week. I figured we could take turns." If your roommate is well intentioned but forgetful, make a chart so you'll both know whose turn it is to do what.


4. If you have a problem, address it right away.

In my experience, there's nothing more divisive than letting a problem fester. If your roommate's post-midnight ukulele practice sessions are driving you nuts, tell him ASAP. The longer you wait, the more resentful you'll feel and the more likely your temper will erupt when you finally do confront him. Furthermore, if you don't speak up, you can set an unwitting precedent of acceptance. If her sculptor boyfriend has already been living on your sofa for six months, your roommate isn't going to understand why you want him out now. She'll be much more responsive if you inform her immediately that Le Artiste needs a studio of his own.

Again, remain as calm and polite as possible when discussing differences. There's a proverb that says "you'll accomplish more with sugar than salt," so speak with a honied tongue and avoid the salty language. :)


5. Don't make mountains out of molehills.

No matter what you do to smooth the transition, learning to live with someone is a journey paved with its own ruts and potholes. Your roommate isn't perfect, and neither are you. Expect that there will occasionally be tension, and not every problem will have an easy solution. At the end of the day, sometimes you have to compromise. When your roommate is making kissy sounds into the phone for the twentieth time in as many minutes, when you've stumbled over his shoes by the coffee table again, when she's digging into that odiferous Gorgonzola cheese with gusto, sometimes you just have to put on a happy face, shrug your shoulders, and remember that your favorite pickled herring isn't her lunch of choice, either.



Moving in with a roommate can be a test of patience, open-mindedness, and communicational skills. But with a few ground rules, you can pass the test with flying colors. People don't live in isolation, and if nothing else, rooming with someone is an educational experience that will improve your relations with coworkers, friends, family members, and maybe a future spouse. And, with a little luck, your roommate will become not just a boarder but a companion and friend.

Do you have a roommate or have you had one in the past? How has it worked out for you? What are some of your own tips for living peacefully with a roomie?


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Singles and Roommates: Choosing a Roommate

As a smart single of modest means, you've decided to "just say yes" to apartment shares! Now you just have to find a roommate who will help with the dishes, pick up her own underwear, set a new record for thirty-second showers, turn the TV off the minute you yawn, and do all this while paying the rent on the first of the month, every month. Can't be too hard, right?...Right?

And silence reigned over Singletude.

Okay, so it's not easy to find a roommate you can stand to see grinning in your kitchen every morning when the last thing you want to do is chit-chat about what the Dow is doing today. But with some foresight, caution, and common sense, you can choose a roomie who may not be your best friend but won't make you want to cower under the covers until he leaves for work, either.

Speaking of best friends, if you’re like a lot of singles, your first instinct is to move in with your Thelma or Louise. Proceed with caution from hereon. Sharing quarters has been known to divide many a friendship.

That’s not to say that rooming with a friend can’t work out. Friends tend to be both more predictable and more tolerant of each other than strangers since there’s a shared history and an interest in preserving the relationship. In my experience, living together can also present an opportunity to build a closer bond or, if you’re up for it, party like you’re still in college.

The downside is that if your best friend turns out to have domestic habits you were previously unaware of–say, a fondness for borrowing your clothes without permission or an overly generous spirit with copies of your house key–she or he could become an ex-best friend faster than you can change your lock. For as many success stories as I’ve heard about rooming with friends, there are twice as many horror stories. The bottom line: as hard as it is to find a good roommate, it’s harder to find a good friend, so before you sign the lease, make sure the two of you are compatible as roommates, not just bosom buddies.

On the other extreme, you could put an ad on Craigslist and hope Jennifer Jason Leigh doesn’t answer. Living with a stranger is generally a more demanding adjustment than moving in with a friend, but it has its own, often overlooked advantages. Unlike friends, since strangers don’t have any personal expectations, they’re not likely to spend much time together. Thus, both roommates can more easily maintain their boundaries and are less likely to burn out on too much time together or step on each other’s toes. Additionally, if there’s a conflict, strangers, who are less worried about hurting each other’s feelings, may feel more comfortable addressing it directly. And, in the end, if the situation deteriorates, they can part ways without the devastating loss of a loyal sidekick, a kindred spirit, or a childhood playmate.

On the other hand, letting a stranger waltz through your front door–and into your bathtub, your refrigerator, and your TiVo settings–is risky. There’s no way to know if they’re trustworthy or if they’ve hidden skeletons into your now shared closet. It’s impossible to predict if your lifestyles and habits will mesh. You have no clue how they’ll react under stress. You’re not even sure if they’re fiscally responsible, although you start praying for a check every month whether or not you’re a believer.

Perhaps the best compromise is to choose someone you know but aren’t close with, maybe a friend of a friend or a former coworker you see on occasion. Someone you know won’t run an international drug ring out of his bedroom but who has his own social life and outside interests. Someone you could have a drink with now and then before you eventually go your separate ways with no hard feelings.

Whether you pick a friend, an acquaintance, or a total stranger, you'll want to have a chat before you pack your suitcase. Here are some points you'll want to cover:



1. Sleep Schedules
Birds of a feather flock together, and that applies to early birds, too. If you wake at six o'clock on the dot, you may not want a roommate whose circadian rhythm peaks at two am. Just a thought.


2. Work Schedules
Most roommates would like a break from each other at least part-time. If you're a work-at-home freelancer, you may want to give priority to that investment banker who lives at the office and is really using your place as a crash pad.

You'll also want to find out what time your potential roommate leaves for work in the morning. If your own departure time requires that you two battle over the bathroom, you're going to get very tired of trying to brush your teeth over the kitchen sink.


3. Housekeeping
Ask your possible roommate about cleanliness. It can be hard to get a straight answer about this because people who don't clean up after themselves don't always want to admit it. If you're a neatnik and clutter would bother you, make it clear that you can't live with someone who doesn't pick up after himself. Conversely, if you're the sloppy one, be honest about that, too. You won't want to live with someone who's always nagging you to take the dishes out of the sink before the roaches get to them.


4. Social Life
Does your roommate like to party? If so, will she bring the party home? If your friends teasingly call you "The Librarian," are you going to be happy about that? Or maybe the situation is reversed. Maybe 15 of your closest friends get comfy on your sofa every day, while your roomie candidate prefers to lock his bedroom door and work on his doctoral dissertation. Lifestyle differences like these can cause needless frustration for roommates who don't ask about them upfront.


5. Leisure Activities
You want to know what your aspiring roomie does in his or her spare time. If that guy with the ring through his eyelid and the bar in his chin listens to the kind of music you think he does, how often does he play it and how loudly? Music, TV, computer games, or anything else at top volume for any length of time can be distracting at best and slow torture at worst, particularly if you don't like what's blasting over the speakers.

If you're sharing a TV or other equipment, you'll also want to make sure your new roommate isn't addicted to a show that airs at the same time as your beloved Lost, American Idol, or Grey's Anatomy.


6. Pets
If you have pets, you need to make sure your roommate will be comfortable with them and respectful of them. If possible, introduce your candidate to Fido and Fluffy during the interview and watch how he or she interacts with them. If your roommate will also be bringing furry friends, you should meet them as well and arrange a "play date" for any current animal residents to make sure everyone gets along. You don't want to find out Fluffy and Tiger don't like each other after Fluffy takes a chunk out of Tiger's ear.


7. Financial Security
This is an important one. Be absolutely clear about how much rent money you expect each month, when you expect to get it, and in what form it should be delivered. If you want a certain amount down and/or security, you must specify this, too. If there's a lease to sign, you should review the terms. You should also be explicit about what's included in the rent. If your roommate will need to contribute to utilities, cable and Internet, a housekeeper, or anything else, he or she should be informed of it at the interview.

Ask about employment. You'll want to avoid anyone who doesn't have a stable source of income. You're within your rights to run a credit check and request a reference from an employer or former landlord before you let someone take up residence in your home. (If you're shopping for a new place together, the broker will take care of this for you.)


8. Personal References
On a related note, if someone is serious about moving in with you, he or she should be willing to furnish personal references from former roommates who can vouch that your applicant is sane and doesn't have a criminal record. Things like that.


9. Ground Rules
Establishing your ground rules just might be the most important part of the interview. This is your chance to spell out exactly what is and isn't acceptable in your household. Is your roommate allowed to have overnight guests? If so, how many nights a week? Will he or she have full access to the house or apartment, or are some rooms off-limits? Are you a vegetarian who doesn't permit meat in the kitchen? Are you allergic to certain scents that your roommate can't wear? How will you divide up household chores? What items does your roommate need to bring and which of them can be shared? It's best to discuss your policy on all these things now so that you won't be surprised later!

Also be forthcoming about yourself and any habits or living arrangements you have that could irritate or disturb a roommate. Although you may have the urge to downplay them, if you haven't portrayed your quirks realistically, a disgruntled roommate could back out prematurely and leave you in the lurch.



And now, to assist you with the interviewing process, a translation of commonly heard potential roommate euphemisms:


"I'm not out that late, and when I am, I'm really quiet." = Buy your earplugs now while they're on sale.
"I'm a fairly light sleeper." = Don't you dare get up to pee!
"I have a flexible schedule."= I'll be in your way a lot.
"Sharing the bathroom has never been a problem." = For me. Because I don't share.
"I'm clean, but I'm not a neat freak or anything./I clean up after myself, but I'm not OCD." = I like making postmodernist sculptures out of the pots and pans in the kitchen sink./Some of my best friends are rats, lice, and cockroaches.
"I mostly keep to myself." = Until my alter comes out to play.
"I don't like unsociable people./I'm not crazy, but I like to have fun." = I could put my subwoofer in this corner, and the strobe lights would go over there...Oooh, how many people can fit in the whirlpool tub?
"I don't listen to loud music." = Death metal is a very maligned genre.
"I don't have pets." = Just my komodo dragon. I don't consider him a pet. He's his own person.
"I'm an entrepreneur." = I'm unemployed.
"Would it be all right if my boyfriend stays over once in awhile?" = Would it be all right if my boyfriend moves in?


If you keep the above checklist in mind when interviewing candidates, you'll be well on your way to identifying the best match for you. But even the most compatible roommates can rub each other the wrong way when they have to live together 24/7. Tomorrow's blog will suggest ways to make the transition as smooth as possible.


Do you live or have you ever lived with roommates? If so, how did you choose your roommates? What criteria did you use?


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Singles and Roommates: Should You Get a Roommate?

Sometimes you can't live with them, but you can't live without them. They're a staple of home life for many singles--roommates.

Perhaps you thought you'd seen the last of them when you boxed your bean bag chair and mini fridge for the ride home from college. At last, you thought with a sigh of relief. Never again will the tender pads of my sockless feet encounter the remains of Bernice's egg salad sandwich on the kitchenette floor! No more will I wake to the grinding of Edmund's incisors in the middle of the night!

But you didn't count on the rising cost of housing and the modest starting wages that haven't kept pace with inflation. And, somehow, you find yourself with a broker in a duplex with a private garden, a whirlpool tub, and a rent that's through the roof, and suddenly you're considering getting a roommate to share your digs.

It's been a long time, though, since you had to cross your legs in the hallway while your oblivious roommie in the shower belted the soundtrack of Rent from start to finish, and maybe you're not sure you can go through that again without resorting to Valium, a gun, or both. But that private garden...that whirlpool tub....

In the interest of making your decision less complicated, here's a rundown of the pros and cons:


Pro:
Your bank account will benefit. This is the most obvious pro of sharing your pad. When you split rent, utilities, and maybe cable and Internet, you'll save a bundle.

Con:
Your roommate may not agree with your definition of "financial responsibility." If that's the case, his or her late payments may suck your wallet dry.


Pro:
You'll have a built-in buddy, someone to order a pizza with, borrow staples or tape from, check your back for cat fur before you go out, and notice if you don't stumble in drunk at the usual hour.

Con:
Not all roomies get along, and even those that do can drive each other to the point of physical violence in the forced intimacy of close quarters. Everyone has his or her own living habits, and some of them won't mesh with yours. Especially if you're used to living alone and running your own show, accommodating someone else's quirks can be a disconcerting stretch outside your comfort zone.


Pro:
A roommie is an extra pair of hands around the house for scrubbing the tub, sweeping the floor, dusting the bookshelves, and all those other chores that can make a tired single person want to kick everything under the bed and resign it to the dust mites.

Con:
A certain percentage of the population can be described as "slobs." Slobs may lurk in your office, in your neighbor's house, even in your own family. Often, they only let loose the full extent of their slovenliness behind closed doors, so you may not know you've encountered one until you're living with her. By the time you find her hairballs in your drain or smell his dirty socks wafting from the bedroom, it'll be too late.


If the above list of pros and cons doesn't clarify your choice, cross-check by asking yourself these questions:

1. Am I out of the house a lot so that my roommate and I won't be stuck in cramped quarters too often?
2. Am I a sociable person who likes to be around others and doesn't have an excessive need for private time or space?
3. Am I an easygoing person who can take the unexpected in stride?
4. Am I flexible enough to adjust my daily routine to accommodate someone else?
5. Can I handle ambient noise like music or TV from another room or the sound of someone shuffling around in the bathroom after I've gone to bed?
6. Can I tolerate someone else's stuff lying around in communal spaces like the living room, kitchen, and bathroom?
7. Can I deal with the possibility that a roommate may invite people I don't know well into our home?
8. Do I have good conflict resolution skills so I can address differences with my roommate without alienating him or her?
9. If my roommate falls behind on the rent or moves out suddenly, will it break the bank if I have to cover it myself for a month or two?
10. If necessary, do I have legal recourse to evict a roommate if the situation becomes untenable?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, chances are you're the kind of person who would thrive with a roommate, and you're ready to take the plunge!


So, if you're still feeling brave enough to open your door, it's time to begin the hunt for the perfect candidate. Tomorrow, we'll discuss how to find the most suitable resident for your home, and the next day, we'll talk about how to adjust to living with him or her. In the meantime, if you can think of other pros and cons to sharing your home turf, please add them to the list.


Fun Link of the Day

How to Save Time on Chores When You're Single

Yesterday's post highlighted the daily workload that singles must balance on one set of shoulders while their married counterparts divide and conquer, so to speak. As a single person, unless you're David Copperfield, you can't conjure an extra pair of hands. But you can reduce your own workload or at least take shortcuts to be more efficient.


Multitask

It's been said that humans aren't such great multitaskers. That's what machines are for.

Throw a load of laundry in the washer while you put a pot on the stove to boil for dinner. As your clothes churn and your food cooks, vacuum your room. After dinner, pop your china in the dishwasher, and while the Cascade works its sudsy magic, take this opportunity to do the dusting. Be sure to leave the TV on while you dust so you can listen to the evening news (or, you know, whatever doesn't suck).

These are just a few examples of how you can multitask with the aid of mechanized slave labor. In some ways, this is a better method than relegating tasks to a spouse because the washer won't ask you to commemorate the anniversary of its installation with a shiny new agitator, nor will the oven get steamed and fume for days when you talk about the cookies it baked in that tone of voice. In fact, if your oven is steaming and fuming, the only thing you need to do is turn it off. :)

If you're not used to multitasking, it may take a little practice to figure out which chores you can double up on. But once you get the hang of it, you'll find that most housework can be condensed into one day a week with a little advance planning.


Make One Trip, Not Two

Whenever you leave the house to run errands, that's time and fuel wasted. Try making as many stops as you can in one trip. If possible, do this on the way to or from work since you're already on the road. Once you're ensconced at home in your bathrobe and Cookie Monster slippers, you'll be loathe to traipse out to Staples for that toner that went belly up yesterday.

Patronize stores that are in the same vicinity. If you've pledged allegiance to the Home Depot or Rite Aid on the other side of town, now's the time to try that Lowe's or CVS on your way to the bank. Some consumers cling to a mistaken sense of brand loyalty or want to take advantage of less expensive prices at the retailer across town. But remember that the extra gas and travel time will offset what you save at the cheaper store. And if you never investigate anything new, you might miss out on a bigger selection and better deals than you'd ever get at Same Old Things "R" Us.


Shop From Home

No matter how you streamline your shopping trips, you can still spend a whole afternoon driving, parking, stocking your cart, and standing in the checkout line. Did you know that you could eliminate all this hassle by shopping online?

Most people are familiar with Amazon and other major online retailers, but many aren't aware that household names like Macy's, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Stop & Shop, and a plethora of others also allow you to order online. The delay between purchase and delivery and the cost of shipping may be drawbacks, but they add up to a small price to pay to shop in your pajamas...while multitasking with your dishes and laundry, of course. ;) Especially for products that don't need to be "tested" in person, online shopping is a lifesaver for singles who want to have a life--and not one that's consumed in puttering from one strip mall to the next. Another best kept secret of the web is that retailers will frequently offer discounts exclusively for online purchases. So open your browser and keep your credit card on the ready!


That Extra Pair of Hands

Okay, I was exaggerating when I said that short of renting a robot, you couldn't snap your fingers and have an extra pair of hands. You can rent the hands. But instead of a bot, they'll be attached to a bopper. A teenybopper, that is.

You've probably observed them babysitting for your married friends or walking their dogs. If you have pocket change to spare, hire one of them to be your occasional gofer, especially when you have a busy weekend coming up.

Just make sure your girl friday has references before you send her to Lord & Taylor with your cash in her pocket...And for goodness' sake, don't send him to the supermarket with "Coors Light" anywhere on your shopping list!

Now if you can't afford to put change in anyone's pocket but your own, there's still hope, and it can appear in the shape of a roommate or friend.

What you really want, remember, is what couples have--a shared division of labor. Granted, they have it a little easier than you do because they're probably not as obsessed with the equity of the arrangement as two platonic pals would be. Since couples are in love, a calculated peck on the cheek or bat of an eyelash can have an effect that similar maneuvers on your part will not have on your best bud. Nevertheless, you can still work out a comfortable deal with your BFF, and--just think--the terms will be out on the table from the start, unlike with a lover's peck on the cheek or bat of an eyelash, which promise rewards that one may not wish to dole out later!

The idea is to trade off on responsibilities with a roommate, single neighbor, or close friend nearby. You might agree that if he picks up the groceries for both of you this week, you'll do it next week. Or maybe you'll take her package to UPS with yours while she walks both your dogs. Again, this should be someone you trust since they'll be handling your personal belongings and probably your money. But if you have an amicable relationship like this, it can cut your time on the go in half. As a side benefit, it will probably strengthen your friendship, too. And in an emergency, it's good to know that someone's got your back.


What about you? Do you feel crunched for time due to all the responsibilities you need to shoulder as a single? If so, what shortcuts do you take to minimize the workload?


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