No Sex for Singles

This week, Singlutionary has a brilliant post entitled "Sexless Singlutionary Experiment." Casual sex, including one-night stands, friends with benefits (FWBs), and f*** buddies (aka, "just benefits, hold the friendship please"), has been a hot topic in the singles blogosphere in recent months. Maybe it's the steamy weather with its requisite bikini beach days and titillating romcom movies, or maybe it's just the greater visibility of singles issues in general. Whatever it is, the Web is abuzz with opinions about how sex fits into the single life.

All long-term singles with a sex drive must confront this dilemma. Often, it remains the only stumbling block in an otherwise satisfied single's life. Go to any web site, blog, or message board for singles, and you'll see the ubiquitous complaint: "I love being single--the freedom, the flexibility, the self-determination--but I hate not getting any!" Sooner or later, every single has to make a decision about how he or she will channel sexual energy and whether that outlet will involve another person.

Without spoiling the details of the Singlutionary's gem of a post, which you should have a look at before you read any further, she decided to give intentional celibacy a try. Other than discussing the potential fallout of FWB relationships and hook ups in "Friends With Benefits and the Lowdown on Hook Ups, Part I" and "Part II," Singletude has been silent on this issue. That's because it's so personal and wrapped up in centuries of moral, psychological, and religious layers that can be hard to separate from it. However, I'm highlighting the Singlutionary's blog because she perfectly articulated my thoughts about the conundrum that is sex for the single person and chose an undeniably smart, safe, and sensitive solution for this time in her life.

Please keep in mind that I'm not saying any other choice is dumb, dangerous, and insensitive. But, as a single, whenever you add another person to the mix in your sex life, you have an unknown element that could become explosive at any time, so you have to be vigilant. When sex is an activity just between you and yourself, it's totally risk-free. STDs, jealousy, ruined friendship? Out of the question.

Again, I don't want to make a blanket statement implying that all casual sexual relationships go downhill or do damage, physical or emotional. But many of them do. That may not be politically correct, and it may not be popular, but sometimes the truth is neither. I have to call it as I see it, and time and again, I see these relationships beginning with two happy people and ending with at least one of them sad, regretful, or disillusioned. Casual affection turns into unrequited love, "friends" with benefits fail to deliver on the friendship, opportunities to pursue more meaningful relationships are missed. If even one person gets hurt, how can the relationship be considered "successful"? How can a few minutes of pleasure be worth this risk?

As singles, we're so used to living for ourselves that sometimes we forget sex involves someone else. It's an interpersonal experience, whether or not we want it to be. You can ignore the other person's feelings, pretend they're nothing more than a body. Hell, you can even ignore your own feelings and pretend you're nothing more than your body. But our minds and our hearts are an inseparable part of who we are, and we carry them into every interpersonal exchange. Of course that doesn't mean the feelings we bring to a sexual encounter will be love or other warm-fuzzy emotions. There will be feelings, though, of one sort or another, quite possibly intense feelings because sex is a physically intense experience, associated with a powerful physiobiological response as well as with powerful episodes in our personal histories and sometimes powerful beliefs and values. So when we imagine that this kind of interpersonal experience can be casual or only about the body or only about ourselves (as opposed to our partners) just because we're single, we don't prepare ourselves for how emotionally messy it can be.

No one wants to hear that these days, and I'm sure I'll get flak about voicing it. Everyone wants to believe that we singles can have our single serving and eat it, too. But I think this emanates from the flawed belief that life can be perfect, that we can search for and find a lifestyle that is all pros and no cons. That's the same trap that matrimaniacal people tumble into when they fantasize about living "happily ever after." They dream that marriage will give their lives an instant makeover, a quick fix after which there will be no conflict, no hardship, no sacrifice, just smooth sailing into the sunset. Sometimes, singles seem to believe that singlehood can have a similar transformative effect, that if we don't couple, we won't have any conflict, hardship, or sacrifice. That's not true. There is no perfect way to live. Both states, single and coupled, have advantages and disadvantages unique to each. Maybe living without partnered sex is just one of those disadvantages of singleness.

And is it really that much of a disadvantage anyway? Why is it that so many of us think we can't live without partnered sex? Is that really because it's so indispensable or because the dictum that we can't live without it has become as unquestioned as the tradition of marriage? One element of the Singlutionary's post that fascinated me was how she acknowledged her envy of all those nameless, faceless people out there getting it on. As she said, "I'm going to quit thinking that everyone out there doing-the-nasty is happier and healthier and having more fun than me."

For a long time, I felt the same way as Singlutionary. When I had to endure a dry spell without sex, I felt like I was suffering and envied couples who, I presumed, were getting laid on the regular. If I was abstinent for long enough, I started feeling insecure about myself, like I was a "loser" because I wasn't having The Sex. Then, as I was in the process of choosing singleness for myself, I also started reexamining my attitude toward sex.

What I realized was shocking. All my life, American culture had been sending me the message that sex was amazing, stupendous, the best experience that humans could aspire to. When I finally started having sex, I expected it to live up to the hype. I was so sure it would that I kept telling myself and other people how much I liked sex. But the fact was...it wasn't all that. Sex was a hit-or-miss experience. Sometimes, with a partner who knew me well, understood what I liked, and was willing to do what I liked...and at certain times of the month...and when I was into it and not tired, uncomfortable, tense, irritated, etc....it was very pleasurable. Other times, it was just blah or downright painful. If I was honest with myself, I had to admit that, more often than not, the sex that really blew my mind was battery operated.

The fact that I have to "admit" that, that it's embarrassing, tells me a lot about how our society pushes intercourse. Why? I don't know for sure, but I'm willing to bet it's tied to the push for coupling and, ultimately, marriage. After all, isn't that one of the supposed benefits of marriage that matrimaniacs advertize all the time? If we get married, we can have better, more consistent sex, or so we're told. We need to reproduce to keep society functioning, so society tells us to reproduce. Even though we can experience as much physical pleasure on our own as with a partner, partnered sex is portrayed as the ultimate experience, like an ice cream sundae compared to a scoop of vanilla. If we're not constantly having sex, thinking about it, or trying to get it, we're pitied, derided, even diagnosed! To be fair, at least part of this is probably a backlash against the repression of previous generations, and it's totally normal to like sex, think about it, and want it. The problem arises when it's considered abnormal to not be that interested in sex.

Once I had separated out the physical aspect of sex, I was able to identify what it was that I really craved--acceptance. Social programming had done it's job, and I'd learned that as a normal, healthy woman, I should want sex and lots of it. So, naturally, I wanted sex just like I'd wanted a Champion sweatshirt and Z. Cavaricci jeans in junior high--so I could have what everyone else had and fit in. There was something competitive about it, too. From women's magazines to talk shows, I started noticing how sex had been commodified. It was like a resource you could accumulate for bragging rights: "I've had more sex than you and for longer and in more positions, too! Neener neener neener!" It seemed like no matter how good your sex life was (with yourself or otherwise), there was always someone out there taunting you with how much better it could be. Under the circumstances, no wonder I'd felt left out! I'd internalized the notion that "winners" have heaps of wild, crazy, earth-shaking sex.

Now that I understood the cultural messages I'd absorbed, I could focus on what really did distinguish partnered sex from single sex. First, there was the beautiful human body, which I had always admired and loved to touch. But was that in itself worth tolerating the trappings of a relationship or undertaking the risks of casual sex? I knew that, for me, the answer was no. Second, there was the personal connection, the closeness, and that's something I do miss about relationships. But it's not something I can get from a casual relationship, and it's not enough to justify a serious, committed relationship.

Perhaps you'll think about it and decide that sex does justify either pursuing a monogamous relationship or accepting the risks inherent in something casual. Just like the decision to get married, though, it should only be made when you can separate what you really want from what mainstream America has taught you to want. You may be surprised to discover how little your happiness really depends on getting off with someone else.


Okay, bring it on! What do you think about the cultural messages we receive about sex? Can you identify some beliefs about sex that you've internalized from society? Why do you think U.S. culture pushes partnered sex so much? Have you had a casual relationship primarily or just for sex? If so, what were the pros and cons as you experienced them? Were the pros worth the cons?


Fun Link of the Day


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Friends With Benefits and the Lowdown on Hook Ups, Part II

Yesterday, Singletude got down and dirty with the lowdown on hook ups, friends with benefits (FWBs), and other forms of casual sex. As "Part I" explained, while casual encounters are meant to free the participants from responsibility to each other, they demand even greater responsibility to oneself to guard against STDs and unwanted pregnancy.

But whereas statistics on HIV infections and abortions are unambiguous black and white figures, there's an invisible, immeasurable fallout from casual sex that's never recorded in a health textbook. As much as we'd like to think that hook ups and FWBs can protect us from the emotional baggage that accompanies relationships, engaging in one of these no-strings arrangements is like bike riding with no hands. It feels light, free, easy...until you realize you have no control over which way the bike is going, and it's headed straight down a 50-foot embankment.

That's not to say that everyone will always lose control of the bike. Plenty of singles can breeze through hook ups like cowboys through a ghost town and not be touched by the desolation and loneliness that profoundly affect others who linger there. Some people attach little or no emotional significance to sex, and some are emotionally closed down, period.

Other singles, perhaps the majority, can healthily integrate sex and emotion but recognize that one doesn't always follow from the other. After all, seeing someone naked certainly isn't the same as seeing their naked emotions, learning the intricacies of their thought patterns, and discovering what makes them tick sufficiently to develop reciprocal affection. And let's face it--not everyone you hook up with is someone you could love, no matter how much time you spend getting to know them. Sometimes attraction is the first and last thing two people have in common, in which case both can move on from the physical encounter emotionally unscathed.

But when you do lose control of the bike, you're in for one hell of a bumpy ride. Here's why:



3. Unforeseen Emotional Attachment

Biologically, we're programmed to feel affectionate and close with our sexual partners. Some of us are less susceptible to this than others, either due to our own hard wiring or emotional barriers we've built thicker than the Great Wall of China in response to previous rejection or abandonment. But the neurochemical response to sexual activity is present in all of us to some degree, and its effects have been compared to getting hooked on cocaine. Thus, when you try not to feel anything for the person you just hooked up with, you're fighting your own biology. As we all know, biology is not easily overcome.

Furthermore, the more times you're physically intimate with someone, the more addicted you'll get. Combine this with the mere exposure effect, the psychological phenomenon that increases our affection for people with whom we've had repeat contact, and FWBs or consistent hook-up partners are at particular risk of developing unexpected and unwanted feelings.

Occasionally, those feelings are mutual, and the two singles can reinvent themselves as a couple. But more often, the partners are not on the same page. One person's attachment grows more strongly and swiftly than the other's, leaving the lover with a broken heart and the beloved with a mess to clean up. Worse still, the cocktail of addictive hormones and sexual fulfillment can create an illusion of deeper feelings between incompatible partners, who may find themselves locked into the very same miserable relationship they hoped to avoid by hooking up or being FWBs.


4. Failed Friendship

One of the primary reasons to add benefits to a friendship is that the friendship itself works. Friends who explore physical intimacy already have a degree of emotional intimacy, understand each other, enjoy each other's company, and hopefully can trust one another. The idea is that the friendship will be a safe haven in which to share sexual adventures, and when the curtain falls on the sexual dimension, the friendship will remain intact. Unfortunately, things don't always play out so smoothly.

A recent study revealed that one in four FWB relationships ends in a broken friendship, and since a little over 30% of the college co-eds studied were still in FWB situations, that number could be higher. Although the study didn't address the outcome for the third of participants who salvaged their friendship, anyone who's been sexually active knows that physical intimacy permanently alters the way two people relate to each other and can complicate future interactions with jealousy, resentment, continued sexual desire, or unresolved romantic feelings.

What the study did show was that ongoing FWB relationships are tainted by anxiety and mistrust, the same concerns singles try to alleviate by initiating FWB arrangements in the first place. However, while the ties that bind friends may not be as strong as the ties that bind couples, they're sufficiently strong to merit continuous worries that sex will disrupt the delicate balance of the friendship. Singles with FWBs reported that their friendships were now less open and communicative because they were plagued with anxiety over the development of unrequited affections.


5. Impact on Future Relationships

For some, forays into casual sex can be left behind the closed doors of the past when a single is ready to enter into a relationship with someone he or she cares about. For others, though, multiple meaningless relationships can lead to a jaded attitude toward sex that isn't readily jettisoned for a potential long-term partner. At what point, one wonders, does sex cease to hold a special or intimate connotation--after 10 partners, 20, 50, more?

Let's not forget, too, that a FWB relationship, which is essentially a dead-end relationship from the start, can distract singles from possible long-term partners right in front of them. Instead of going out with someone new on a Saturday night, FWBs are at home having passionless sex with each other.

Then there's the issue of reputation, which shouldn't be an issue anymore but is. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the double standard, still tenaciously clinging to its upper hand? If you're a woman, whether you like it or not, you'll face certain preconceptions from both men and women as your "number" rises. And while men tend to wear their "number" as a badge of honor, there are lots of women who disapprove of "man whores" and aren't eager to get involved with men who've been around the block.



Hooking up or finding an FWB can seem like the perfect solution for a sexually frustrated single, and for some people, it is. But for others, these casual relationships are like shiny new packages with time bombs inside, waiting to explode with regret, disappointment, and bitterness.

Decide now how you feel about hook ups before you're swept up in the moment with a beautiful stranger, and if you're considering taking a friendship into the bedroom, think long and hard about the repercussions. Be especially careful if you're a sensitive person who gets attached easily, if you know little about or have reason to distrust your potential partner, or if you're under the influence of alcohol. Whatever you do, always be forthcoming about where you expect the encounter to lead, whether to more uncommitted encounters, a possible commitment down the road, or nothing at all, in order to minimize misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Ultimately, for some people, at some points in life, a quick hook up or role in the hay with a friend will be nothing more than a pleasant memory. For others, it will be a wound that never heals.


What do you think about the emotional consequences of casual hook ups and friends-with-benefits relationships? Are the potential emotional complications worth it for regular sex? Have you ever been burned in a casual physical relationship or known someone who was? What other advantages or disadvantages are there to casual sex?


Fun Link of the Day

Friends With Benefits and the Lowdown on Hook Ups, Part I

Unless you've been married for the past decade (in which case, you shouldn't be here on Singletude :P), you may have noticed that the landscape of dating has changed, especially for "kids these days," and now more closely resembles an auto body shop than a fast food joint, a movie theatre, or even a bar. Yes, I'm talking about the practice of hooking up, the flavor du jour of dating among trendy young singles, and its older, more dependable cousin, the friends with benefits (FWB) relationship, both of which are descendants of the granddaddy of casual sex, the one-night stand. One of my regular readers, Victoria Gothic, suggested that Singletude cover this topic, and I'm happy to oblige.

Let's start by defining a "hook up." Unlike a one-night stand, which implies a one-time encounter that ends in sex, a hook up can occur between two people who may or may not know each other, and it can happen more than once. A recent survey of college students indicates that hook ups are confined to foreplay about 25% of the time, proceed to intercourse in 35-40% of cases, and presumably conclude with another form of sex in the remaining 35-40% of make-out sessions. "Friends with benefits" may also hook up but are distinguished by their preexisting closeness and an ongoing commitment to the friendship, as well as by the more consistent nature of their sexual escapades.

Whatever form they take, hook ups are on the rise, with 76% of college seniors reporting at least one hook up during their college careers and nearly seven hook ups on average. In another study, 60% of students said they had had at least one friend with benefits. Considering the prevalence of these kinds of relationships, it seems wise to weigh their pros and cons before jumping into the sack with both feet only to discover that you're in over your head.

It doesn't take a Harvard graduate to calculate the advantages of a casual physical relationship. If you don't want or can't find someone to commit to, it's a way to release sexual energy with no strings attached. In the case of an FWB arrangement, it also promises consistent sex with some degree of safety; presumably, you can trust your friend to be disease-free and to have some consideration for you as a person, neither of which you could expect from a virtual stranger in a hook up.

But casual encounters have a downside, too, one that sometimes gets lost in the fast-paced, pleasure-driven hook-up culture. If you want to live life in the fast lane, here are some less than sexy outcomes you should prepare for, two today and two tomorrow:



1. Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)

One in five Americans has an STD, and one in four will have one at some point in their lives.1 (By some estimates, the infection rate is as high as 50%.)2 Two-thirds of STD infections occur in people under 25,1 precisely the population in which casual sex is the most prevalent. Every sexual partner you have increases your risk of contracting an STD, and you can multiply that risk by the number of partners your partner has had.3

Unfortunately, condoms aren't foolproof against infection, either. A number of STDs are passed by skin-to-skin contact rather than through bodily fluids, and thus condoms offer little to no protection. These diseases include Herpes, Syphilis, and Human Papillomavirus (HPV), strains of which can cause genital warts or cervical cancer.4 Lots of young people assume they'll be safe if they restrict their hook ups to oral sex. Not so. Some of the nastiest viruses, such as Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis, are contagious through oral sex as well.5

The widespread nature of STDs and the ease of transmission of some of the more threatening varieties make casual sex a risky business, even when you're careful. Of course, if you're going to hook up anyway, protection is a must, no matter what your partner tells you, as is regular STD testing. Some singles will lie through their teeth to get laid, and lots of others aren't even aware they're infected.


2. Pregnancy

Not illogically, women and adolescent girls who have multiple partners are at increased risk of pregnancy.6,7 An unwanted pregnancy is difficult enough when two people care about each other but aren't ready for parenthood. Imagine, then, what a conundrum it is for two people who don't even know each other's last names!

When used effectively, condoms are very good at protecting against pregnancy.8 But, now and then, they brake, tear, or fail for other reasons, not to mention that they aren't worn correctly about 15% of the time. In other words, every time you have sex, there's a possibility of pregnancy, no matter how safe you are. And an embryo doesn't care if its parents have slept together for years or just one time.

If you're going to have casual sex, Planned Parenthood recommends you use two methods of protection, so bring on the reinforcements.



Join Singletude next time for two more reasons to exercise caution with the casual hook up!


In your opinion, is the hook-up culture a positive development, or is it outweighed by the dangers of casual sex? In your circle of acquaintance, are most unscathed by the physical dangers of hook ups, or have you known people (no names, of course!) whose lives have been touched by unintended pregnancy or an STD?


Sources
1. Cool Nurse
2. American Social Health Association
3. About.com: Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)
4. Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
5. San Francisco City Clinic
6. Physicians For Life
7. About.com: Alcoholism ("Multiple Sex Partners Indicates Trouble for Teens")
8. Advocates For Youth