Friends With Benefits and the Lowdown on Hook Ups, Part II

Yesterday, Singletude got down and dirty with the lowdown on hook ups, friends with benefits (FWBs), and other forms of casual sex. As "Part I" explained, while casual encounters are meant to free the participants from responsibility to each other, they demand even greater responsibility to oneself to guard against STDs and unwanted pregnancy.

But whereas statistics on HIV infections and abortions are unambiguous black and white figures, there's an invisible, immeasurable fallout from casual sex that's never recorded in a health textbook. As much as we'd like to think that hook ups and FWBs can protect us from the emotional baggage that accompanies relationships, engaging in one of these no-strings arrangements is like bike riding with no hands. It feels light, free, easy...until you realize you have no control over which way the bike is going, and it's headed straight down a 50-foot embankment.

That's not to say that everyone will always lose control of the bike. Plenty of singles can breeze through hook ups like cowboys through a ghost town and not be touched by the desolation and loneliness that profoundly affect others who linger there. Some people attach little or no emotional significance to sex, and some are emotionally closed down, period.

Other singles, perhaps the majority, can healthily integrate sex and emotion but recognize that one doesn't always follow from the other. After all, seeing someone naked certainly isn't the same as seeing their naked emotions, learning the intricacies of their thought patterns, and discovering what makes them tick sufficiently to develop reciprocal affection. And let's face it--not everyone you hook up with is someone you could love, no matter how much time you spend getting to know them. Sometimes attraction is the first and last thing two people have in common, in which case both can move on from the physical encounter emotionally unscathed.

But when you do lose control of the bike, you're in for one hell of a bumpy ride. Here's why:



3. Unforeseen Emotional Attachment

Biologically, we're programmed to feel affectionate and close with our sexual partners. Some of us are less susceptible to this than others, either due to our own hard wiring or emotional barriers we've built thicker than the Great Wall of China in response to previous rejection or abandonment. But the neurochemical response to sexual activity is present in all of us to some degree, and its effects have been compared to getting hooked on cocaine. Thus, when you try not to feel anything for the person you just hooked up with, you're fighting your own biology. As we all know, biology is not easily overcome.

Furthermore, the more times you're physically intimate with someone, the more addicted you'll get. Combine this with the mere exposure effect, the psychological phenomenon that increases our affection for people with whom we've had repeat contact, and FWBs or consistent hook-up partners are at particular risk of developing unexpected and unwanted feelings.

Occasionally, those feelings are mutual, and the two singles can reinvent themselves as a couple. But more often, the partners are not on the same page. One person's attachment grows more strongly and swiftly than the other's, leaving the lover with a broken heart and the beloved with a mess to clean up. Worse still, the cocktail of addictive hormones and sexual fulfillment can create an illusion of deeper feelings between incompatible partners, who may find themselves locked into the very same miserable relationship they hoped to avoid by hooking up or being FWBs.


4. Failed Friendship

One of the primary reasons to add benefits to a friendship is that the friendship itself works. Friends who explore physical intimacy already have a degree of emotional intimacy, understand each other, enjoy each other's company, and hopefully can trust one another. The idea is that the friendship will be a safe haven in which to share sexual adventures, and when the curtain falls on the sexual dimension, the friendship will remain intact. Unfortunately, things don't always play out so smoothly.

A recent study revealed that one in four FWB relationships ends in a broken friendship, and since a little over 30% of the college co-eds studied were still in FWB situations, that number could be higher. Although the study didn't address the outcome for the third of participants who salvaged their friendship, anyone who's been sexually active knows that physical intimacy permanently alters the way two people relate to each other and can complicate future interactions with jealousy, resentment, continued sexual desire, or unresolved romantic feelings.

What the study did show was that ongoing FWB relationships are tainted by anxiety and mistrust, the same concerns singles try to alleviate by initiating FWB arrangements in the first place. However, while the ties that bind friends may not be as strong as the ties that bind couples, they're sufficiently strong to merit continuous worries that sex will disrupt the delicate balance of the friendship. Singles with FWBs reported that their friendships were now less open and communicative because they were plagued with anxiety over the development of unrequited affections.


5. Impact on Future Relationships

For some, forays into casual sex can be left behind the closed doors of the past when a single is ready to enter into a relationship with someone he or she cares about. For others, though, multiple meaningless relationships can lead to a jaded attitude toward sex that isn't readily jettisoned for a potential long-term partner. At what point, one wonders, does sex cease to hold a special or intimate connotation--after 10 partners, 20, 50, more?

Let's not forget, too, that a FWB relationship, which is essentially a dead-end relationship from the start, can distract singles from possible long-term partners right in front of them. Instead of going out with someone new on a Saturday night, FWBs are at home having passionless sex with each other.

Then there's the issue of reputation, which shouldn't be an issue anymore but is. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the double standard, still tenaciously clinging to its upper hand? If you're a woman, whether you like it or not, you'll face certain preconceptions from both men and women as your "number" rises. And while men tend to wear their "number" as a badge of honor, there are lots of women who disapprove of "man whores" and aren't eager to get involved with men who've been around the block.



Hooking up or finding an FWB can seem like the perfect solution for a sexually frustrated single, and for some people, it is. But for others, these casual relationships are like shiny new packages with time bombs inside, waiting to explode with regret, disappointment, and bitterness.

Decide now how you feel about hook ups before you're swept up in the moment with a beautiful stranger, and if you're considering taking a friendship into the bedroom, think long and hard about the repercussions. Be especially careful if you're a sensitive person who gets attached easily, if you know little about or have reason to distrust your potential partner, or if you're under the influence of alcohol. Whatever you do, always be forthcoming about where you expect the encounter to lead, whether to more uncommitted encounters, a possible commitment down the road, or nothing at all, in order to minimize misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Ultimately, for some people, at some points in life, a quick hook up or role in the hay with a friend will be nothing more than a pleasant memory. For others, it will be a wound that never heals.


What do you think about the emotional consequences of casual hook ups and friends-with-benefits relationships? Are the potential emotional complications worth it for regular sex? Have you ever been burned in a casual physical relationship or known someone who was? What other advantages or disadvantages are there to casual sex?


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