Who to Choose as Friends, Part I

So let's review: So far, we've talked about where to meet compatible single people and how to turn them into friends. But now that you're circulating on the social scene, who do you choose to invest that time, energy, and commitment in?

I'll admit that I'm selective with my friends, and I've gotten some flak for that over the years from people who think it's antisocial or elitist to be choosy. My response is that the friends I make I intend to keep, and the friends I have are people to whom I'd trust my life...or at least my CD collection. ;)

Seriously, though, like relationships, friendships need to be nurtured to grow and thrive. While there are lots of people I'd like to get to know, our 16-hour waking days, eight hours of which are spent at work, two on the road, and at least two on self-maintenance, dictate that I can only play constant gardener to so many friendships. There are singles who stretch themselves thin between dozens of friends, but to extend the garden metaphor, when their social circle gets unwieldy, they cut back each friendship to manageable proportions. So instead of growing a handful of healthy, deeply rooted friendships that can withstand the onslaught of a storm, they sprinkle the occasional phone call or party invitation here and there and are dismayed when their friendships are shallow. Since I prefer friendships rooted like sequoias, I have to conserve my resources of time and attention for friends who are worth the investment.

The question is: How can you predict who will return your investment as a good friend?

Although you'll need to spend time with your potential friend to figure out who he or she is, these are some early signs that point to whether you're investing wisely:



1. You and your friend are rooted in common ground.

In my experience at least, the more I've had in common with my friends, the more likely we've been to stay in touch and grow closer. I've had few friendships with birds of a vastly different feather that have withstood the test of time, and although it may seem like an unfair bias, research supports this tendency to flock together with those who are most like us. Some shared traits to look for are hobbies and interests, ethical values, and what I personally find the most essential, personality type. Some sociologists will cite age, proximity, and background, but while these can be influential factors, I've yet to see them stand in the way of a good friendship.

Obviously, you and your friend won't see eye to eye on everything. Some of my dearest friends are those whom I've debated with most fiercely as well as those who've educated me most thoroughly, exposing me to concepts that might as well have been black holes in my universe for all I knew of their existence. But those friendships worked because we had our roots deep enough in common soil that it didn't matter which way the wind blew our minds on one issue or another. In contrast, I've had other friends who were as fundamentally different from me as mangoes and grapes (sorry, I thought the apple and orange metaphor was getting a bit rotten by now), and every one of those friendships has weakened or died while the others are still in top shape.

For instance, I had a friend a few years ago (I'll call her Lori) who probably sought out my company because she was new in town and I was one of the few friends available to her. We were both single females around the same age and raised in the same belief system, but our current convictions, interests, and personalities were about as similar as milk and tequila. She thought kissing was a sin; my lips (and other erogenous zones) had known the touch of quite a few others over the years. I was at home in high heels under strobe lights; she preferred hiking boots and rocks to climb. I loved to reason through logical arguments step by step and analyze the fallacies; Lori had no stomach for debate and followed her gut instinct. After awhile, it got to the point that every conversation was a showcase for how amazingly different two creatures of the same species can be. Though our friendship eventually unraveled for other reasons, I wonder if it would've survived had there been some common glue to hold us together.

Now, I don't want to discourage anyone from getting to know an interesting person just because he or she didn't grow up speaking your language, never heard of your favorite band, prefers coffee to tea, and voted for Mike Huckabee. (Well, okay, if he voted for Huckabee, forget him. ;) ) Otherwise, you might pass up a wonderful friend based on a few prejudices. If you feel at ease with each other, these differences will fade into the background like evaporating rain.

What you shouldn't do is try to force a friendship that doesn't fit. Lori and I didn't suit each other as friends. There just wasn't enough common ground. But we kept trying because she needed a friend, and I felt obligated to be the friend she needed. These days, if I'm not on the same wavelength with someone, I don't pursue closer ties. We have enough people in life we have to scrape along with even when it chafes--family, bosses, co-workers, drivers who don't signal. Friendships shouldn't be another source of friction.


2. Your friend is a ray of sunshine in your life.

A good friendship grows best in the warmth of positivity, encouragement, laughter, and open-hearted sharing. So your friend should be someone who has a generally upbeat attitude, is supportive of you, has a sense of humor, and wants your friendship to grow. She enjoys her life and wants you to be part of it.

Everyone has lived through some rainy seasons, and so will your friend. It's par for the course that he won't always be smiling brighter than a Whitestrips ad. But be careful when befriending people who are chronically pessimistic or depressed. If you're an optimist, it can be tempting to try to "rescue" a bitter person from himself. Likewise, if you're down yourself, it can feel comforting to wallow in your bad mood with someone else.

But eventually, friends who are deeply unhappy with themselves and their lives will likely insist that you always sit under their rain cloud. Even the sunniest person will feel his smile dampened, and if you already hover on the edge, a depressive person can pull you down into a funnel of despair that can be hard to claw your way out of. What this person needs is a therapist, and if you decide to fill that role, be prepared to do a lot of giving and very little receiving because someone whose hope is crushed doesn't have any to spare for you right now.

Besides a sunny disposition, another promising trait in a good friend is that she wants you to be happy, too. Did you know that we tend to pick friends who are more supportive of us? When you've landed your dream job, bought your first condo, or won a trip to Hawaii, a good friend is genuinely happy for you, not so focused on herself that she constantly resents your success and tears you down. Early on, envious types may show their true colors by trying to compete with and one-up you all the time. Green is a sickly color; avoid it like the plague. :) Instead, look for friends who encourage your goals and rejoice with you when you achieve them.

Another sign that your friend is a keeper is if she can make you laugh and laugh at herself, too. The last thing you need is a friend who turns into Naomi Campbell every time she sees a phone. A good friend can diffuse tension with a joke or shrug of the shoulders and doesn't get off on picking fights, criticizing or humiliating people, or subjecting you to a tirade of obscenities in four languages every time he doesn't get what he wants. He shouldn't take himself so seriously that he can't admit to his flaws and have a chuckle about them, too. After all, what's a good friend for if you can't use him as a verbal punching bag now and then, right?...Err, just joking. ;)

Finally, you want a friend who is open. He returns your calls and invites you out. She shares the tidbits of her life. He or she is interested in the friendship and wants to match your investment. He isn't high on some power trip where he calls all the shots. She doesn't call you as a last resort when her worthier friends have deserted her for their shore houses. They don't shut you out when there's a problem or choose passive-aggressive games over honest communication.

In short, a good friend will be an addition who betters your life, one who waters your friendship with positivity and helps you help it grow in the land of happy little trees. :)



Next time, we'll wrap up the series on choosing friends with a few more qualities to look for in your very own Robin, Tonto, or Boo-boo.

Wait a minute...Did I say Boo-boo???

I guess so. Boo-boo.


Choosing to choose your friends can be controversial. What do you think about this? Are you selective about who you hang out with? What do you think about choosing friends based on the criteria listed here?


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