Who to Choose as Friends, Part II

Continuing from yesterday, Singletude completes the list of characteristics to look for in a friend:



3. Your friend has firm roots, rain or shine, and if you need to lean against him, he won't break.

No matter how sparkling your friend's personality, no matter how much the two of you have in common, if he isn't dependable, he's not a good friend.

When you make a plan with a good friend, he shows up. He doesn't keep you waiting for an hour or cancel at the last minute because he found something better to do. If she gives you her word, she keeps it; she doesn't make a habit of breaking promises. If you tell a good friend something in confidence, you can trust her not to gossip. And if he has a problem with something you've said or done, he'll take it to you before anyone else.

If you've had a bad day or you're in a bind, you can count on a friend to come to your aid. This isn't a privilege you should abuse--then you wouldn't be a good friend--but if you occasionally find yourself in hot water, a true friend will grab your hand and help you out.

A good friend is stable enough that you're not thrown off balance by his giant mood swings. You have the sense that you know who he is. He doesn't continuously contradict himself, she doesn't change personalities like sweaters.

Real friends should be reliable enough with their finances to pay their own way most of the time. They shouldn't ask you for favors they never repay.

All these things contribute to your friend's dependability, and dependability is an integral part of friendship. In its absence, resentment builds and can topple a friendship that otherwise would have been strong. Once in awhile, everyone slips up and forgets you had plans for dinner, leaves their wallet at home, or gets into a car accident and needs a ride. But if your friend is habitually unreliable, it will take a toll on your time, your bank account, and most importantly, your faith in people. The last is especially true if your friend is personally unreliable and can't be trusted to keep a secret, protect your reputation, or follow through on his word.

Unreliable people tend to out themselves early, so watch for the above behaviors, not just in your own friendship but in how your new friend treats others. Weed out the undependables and nurture the friends you can rely on to go the distance.


4. Your friend is like a strong, healthy tree in bloom--pest-free, disease-free, and no signs of decay.

Some years ago, I became close with someone who was just not healthy, although I didn't see it at the time. (We'll call him Nathan.) I thought he had gone through some rough times, that he was improving, and that I could help him by being there for him. As the years passed, though, Nathan only got worse, spiraling downward until it was apparent that not only couldn't I help him, but he was going to take me with him if I didn't get out. While I'm not going to give you the Us Weekly version of events, I will give you a list of unhealthy traits I learned to avoid, either from direct experience or by inference:

--Drug or alcohol addiction
--Criminal behavior
--Severe psychiatric disorders (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, personality disorders, debilitating depression or anxiety)
--Financial instability, including gambling, overspending, and long-term unemployment
--Violent or uncontrollable temper
--Pathological lying
--Manipulative behavior
--Inability to set or accomplish life goals (i.e. chronic quitter)
--Inability to maintain good relations with family, friends, romantic partners, and coworkers

Obviously, you'll have to use discretion when applying this list. There are some wonderful individuals who are recovered alcoholics or medicated manic-depressives, ran into trouble with the law in their teens, or took a long time to find their career niche. But when you meet a person who is still struggling with one of these issues--and especially when you can run down the list and check off multiple problems--that person may need a counselor more than a friend.

Quite a few of us singles are people who have a lot of love to give, and some of us can't wait to give it to anyone who needs it. So when a troubled individual wanders into our lives, we see him as a withered plant. We think if we could just give her enough water or sunlight or Miracle-Gro, she'd perk right up like the other plants.

What we don't understand is that people like this are suffering from something systemic, a blight that extra food or water won't cure. And we're not arborists. We don't have the expertise to diagnose the problem or the resources to treat it. And so, even as we're knocking ourselves out hauling big buckets of water, setting up heat lamps, and checking the pH of the soil, the blight begins to spread.

Troubled people need love and affection. Absolutely. But much of the time, they're not able to receive it, nor can they return it. What's worse, instead of absorbing our love like oxygen and breathing it back into the friendship, these people tend to absorb the oxygen and give off carbon dioxide, returning our affection with toxic doses of vitriol, dishonesty, manipulation, and even violence. Eventually, they'll either overgrow your beliefs, values, and conscience until you're a prisoner in the game, or you'll get out. Either way, you'll be brutalized, and it will be a long time before you can recover from the devastation. Although I escaped Nathan with everything but my trust intact, some people lose friends, go bankrupt, or land in the hospital due to their encounters with "bad seeds."

So what makes a person "healthy"? Try reversing the list:

--Uses alcohol or drugs sparingly or not at all
--Has not had major trouble with the law or, if so, was never arrested for a violent crime and has had a clean record for at least 10 years
--Has no major mental health problems or has been in treatment for at least several years
--Has a steady income and spends wisely
--Is calm, reasonable, and nonthreatening
--Is a genuine, honest person
--Does not manipulate or "play games"
--Sets goals and pursues them
--Has good relationships with a network of long-term friends, family, and co-workers

If your friend displays all or most of these traits, you can be pretty sure your friendship will thrive and blossom.



Since I've been accused of being "too picky" with my friends in the past, I wondered if this series of posts would get some rebuttals, but apparently not. What do you think about today's criteria for choosing friends? How do you choose your friends?


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Who to Choose as Friends, Part I

So let's review: So far, we've talked about where to meet compatible single people and how to turn them into friends. But now that you're circulating on the social scene, who do you choose to invest that time, energy, and commitment in?

I'll admit that I'm selective with my friends, and I've gotten some flak for that over the years from people who think it's antisocial or elitist to be choosy. My response is that the friends I make I intend to keep, and the friends I have are people to whom I'd trust my life...or at least my CD collection. ;)

Seriously, though, like relationships, friendships need to be nurtured to grow and thrive. While there are lots of people I'd like to get to know, our 16-hour waking days, eight hours of which are spent at work, two on the road, and at least two on self-maintenance, dictate that I can only play constant gardener to so many friendships. There are singles who stretch themselves thin between dozens of friends, but to extend the garden metaphor, when their social circle gets unwieldy, they cut back each friendship to manageable proportions. So instead of growing a handful of healthy, deeply rooted friendships that can withstand the onslaught of a storm, they sprinkle the occasional phone call or party invitation here and there and are dismayed when their friendships are shallow. Since I prefer friendships rooted like sequoias, I have to conserve my resources of time and attention for friends who are worth the investment.

The question is: How can you predict who will return your investment as a good friend?

Although you'll need to spend time with your potential friend to figure out who he or she is, these are some early signs that point to whether you're investing wisely:



1. You and your friend are rooted in common ground.

In my experience at least, the more I've had in common with my friends, the more likely we've been to stay in touch and grow closer. I've had few friendships with birds of a vastly different feather that have withstood the test of time, and although it may seem like an unfair bias, research supports this tendency to flock together with those who are most like us. Some shared traits to look for are hobbies and interests, ethical values, and what I personally find the most essential, personality type. Some sociologists will cite age, proximity, and background, but while these can be influential factors, I've yet to see them stand in the way of a good friendship.

Obviously, you and your friend won't see eye to eye on everything. Some of my dearest friends are those whom I've debated with most fiercely as well as those who've educated me most thoroughly, exposing me to concepts that might as well have been black holes in my universe for all I knew of their existence. But those friendships worked because we had our roots deep enough in common soil that it didn't matter which way the wind blew our minds on one issue or another. In contrast, I've had other friends who were as fundamentally different from me as mangoes and grapes (sorry, I thought the apple and orange metaphor was getting a bit rotten by now), and every one of those friendships has weakened or died while the others are still in top shape.

For instance, I had a friend a few years ago (I'll call her Lori) who probably sought out my company because she was new in town and I was one of the few friends available to her. We were both single females around the same age and raised in the same belief system, but our current convictions, interests, and personalities were about as similar as milk and tequila. She thought kissing was a sin; my lips (and other erogenous zones) had known the touch of quite a few others over the years. I was at home in high heels under strobe lights; she preferred hiking boots and rocks to climb. I loved to reason through logical arguments step by step and analyze the fallacies; Lori had no stomach for debate and followed her gut instinct. After awhile, it got to the point that every conversation was a showcase for how amazingly different two creatures of the same species can be. Though our friendship eventually unraveled for other reasons, I wonder if it would've survived had there been some common glue to hold us together.

Now, I don't want to discourage anyone from getting to know an interesting person just because he or she didn't grow up speaking your language, never heard of your favorite band, prefers coffee to tea, and voted for Mike Huckabee. (Well, okay, if he voted for Huckabee, forget him. ;) ) Otherwise, you might pass up a wonderful friend based on a few prejudices. If you feel at ease with each other, these differences will fade into the background like evaporating rain.

What you shouldn't do is try to force a friendship that doesn't fit. Lori and I didn't suit each other as friends. There just wasn't enough common ground. But we kept trying because she needed a friend, and I felt obligated to be the friend she needed. These days, if I'm not on the same wavelength with someone, I don't pursue closer ties. We have enough people in life we have to scrape along with even when it chafes--family, bosses, co-workers, drivers who don't signal. Friendships shouldn't be another source of friction.


2. Your friend is a ray of sunshine in your life.

A good friendship grows best in the warmth of positivity, encouragement, laughter, and open-hearted sharing. So your friend should be someone who has a generally upbeat attitude, is supportive of you, has a sense of humor, and wants your friendship to grow. She enjoys her life and wants you to be part of it.

Everyone has lived through some rainy seasons, and so will your friend. It's par for the course that he won't always be smiling brighter than a Whitestrips ad. But be careful when befriending people who are chronically pessimistic or depressed. If you're an optimist, it can be tempting to try to "rescue" a bitter person from himself. Likewise, if you're down yourself, it can feel comforting to wallow in your bad mood with someone else.

But eventually, friends who are deeply unhappy with themselves and their lives will likely insist that you always sit under their rain cloud. Even the sunniest person will feel his smile dampened, and if you already hover on the edge, a depressive person can pull you down into a funnel of despair that can be hard to claw your way out of. What this person needs is a therapist, and if you decide to fill that role, be prepared to do a lot of giving and very little receiving because someone whose hope is crushed doesn't have any to spare for you right now.

Besides a sunny disposition, another promising trait in a good friend is that she wants you to be happy, too. Did you know that we tend to pick friends who are more supportive of us? When you've landed your dream job, bought your first condo, or won a trip to Hawaii, a good friend is genuinely happy for you, not so focused on herself that she constantly resents your success and tears you down. Early on, envious types may show their true colors by trying to compete with and one-up you all the time. Green is a sickly color; avoid it like the plague. :) Instead, look for friends who encourage your goals and rejoice with you when you achieve them.

Another sign that your friend is a keeper is if she can make you laugh and laugh at herself, too. The last thing you need is a friend who turns into Naomi Campbell every time she sees a phone. A good friend can diffuse tension with a joke or shrug of the shoulders and doesn't get off on picking fights, criticizing or humiliating people, or subjecting you to a tirade of obscenities in four languages every time he doesn't get what he wants. He shouldn't take himself so seriously that he can't admit to his flaws and have a chuckle about them, too. After all, what's a good friend for if you can't use him as a verbal punching bag now and then, right?...Err, just joking. ;)

Finally, you want a friend who is open. He returns your calls and invites you out. She shares the tidbits of her life. He or she is interested in the friendship and wants to match your investment. He isn't high on some power trip where he calls all the shots. She doesn't call you as a last resort when her worthier friends have deserted her for their shore houses. They don't shut you out when there's a problem or choose passive-aggressive games over honest communication.

In short, a good friend will be an addition who betters your life, one who waters your friendship with positivity and helps you help it grow in the land of happy little trees. :)



Next time, we'll wrap up the series on choosing friends with a few more qualities to look for in your very own Robin, Tonto, or Boo-boo.

Wait a minute...Did I say Boo-boo???

I guess so. Boo-boo.


Choosing to choose your friends can be controversial. What do you think about this? Are you selective about who you hang out with? What do you think about choosing friends based on the criteria listed here?


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