How to Know You're Enmeshed and Reestablish Your Boundaries

Now that we know what enmeshment is, why do some couples become that way, and how do we recognize enmeshment when it happens to us?


The Roots of Enmeshment

The concept of enmeshment has a long tradition in a psychotherapeutic movement known as Family Systems Theory. This theory asserts that parents teach their children unhealthy ways of relating when they don't have clear boundaries within the family. In other words, the parents don't respect their child's individuality.

Crossing boundaries can happen in lots of ways. Maybe you've heard a frightened child whisper, "I'm scared" to her mother, only to have the mother answer, "No, you're not." Or perhaps you had a friend who missed football practice all the time because his newly divorced dad would imply that he was going to spend the whole night drinking if his son didn't stay home and keep him company. Anytime a parent violates a child's autonomy by imposing his or her own desires, emotions, or attitudes onto that child, that's enmeshment.

When children grow up in an enmeshed family, they learn that interpersonal relationships shouldn't have boundaries, and they carry this into their romantic couplings.

Another root of enmeshment is downright neglect or abuse in childhood. This doesn't even have to be neglect or abuse of the criminal variety. A fragile child can feel neglected if her parents work all day and have no time for her when they come home. He can feel unloved when his older brother is the golden boy and he's the black sheep. If a child doesn't have his needs for closeness and validation met when he's young, he winds up with a deep yearning to have those needs fulfilled in his adult life. One of the ways he may try to fulfill them is by entering a relationship with no boundaries because it feels like closeness.


How To Know You're Enmeshed

So how do you know if you're in an enmeshed relationship? Here are some signs to watch for:

1. Your partner monopolizes your time. It's natural to spend a lot of time with a new love interest in the first three to six months of dating. But if the six-month mark has passed and your friends are referring to you as that girl or guy they used to hang out with, it's time to reevaluate how you spend your time. It's not healthy for your whole social life to revolve around one person.

2. Your beliefs have changed since you started dating. Sometimes new people introduce us to ways of looking at the world that we never considered. But if you've done a 180 from your former perspective on religion, politics, or some other core belief, check whether it's because you're really convinced of your new viewpoint or because you want to believe and support what your partner says. Here's a test: If you broke up with your sweetheart, would you still attend his or her yoga class/Sunday school/Young Republicans rally/Alien Abductees Anonymous, etc.? If not, maybe you shouldn't be attending in the first place.

3. Your interests have changed since you started dating. As with your beliefs, your interests may be broadened by someone new in your life. Maybe you never knew you liked blindfolded pogo sticking until you tried it. But does it seem like you're now spending all your time pogo sticking and none doing the things you used to like before you started dating the world champion pogo sticker? If you answered yes, it's time to ditch the pogo stick.

4. You look different since you started dating. Your friends tap you on the shoulder, then giggle with embarrassment when your significant other turns around. In your matching outfits, with your coordinated haircuts, they can't tell you apart. You've morphed into Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. The same test applies: If you wouldn't be wearing that propeller beanie if Tweedle Dee wasn't, you need to dig deep into your closet and start wearing your own clothes again.

5. You never disagree with your partner. Do you find yourself biting your tongue every time the love of your life spouts an opinion that doesn't sit right with you? Do you rationalize his or her points even when they don't add up? If you can't agree to disagree with your partner, maybe you're too preoccupied with maintaining an illusion of unity.

6. He or she is the barometer of your emotions. If your boyfriend or girlfriend has had a bad day, it's natural to have sympathy pangs. But if you hurtle into the depths of despair every time he or she is in a bad mood, be careful. You shouldn't have to act out someone else's passion play.

7. The two of you make statements to each other like "I'd die without you" or "if I didn't have you, I'd have nothing." Statements like this aren't evidence of love. They're evidence of enmeshment. When you express sentiments like this, you're treading in Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake territory. Being entirely dependent on someone for your well-being is what babies do, not healthy adults.

Enmeshment can happen to anyone at any age and doesn't just affect romantic relationships. You can also become enmeshed with a friend or family member.

If you realize that you've become enmeshed with someone, there are steps you can take to reestablish your boundaries. You don't necessarily need to end the relationship, but you do need to develop a sense of who you are within and apart from it. And you need to insist that your partner do the same. Which brings us to...


How to Overcome Enmeshment

1. Rediscover yourself. Spend some time doing the things you used to do before you started seeing your partner. Did you like hiking? Pick a sunny day and go. Were you really into ambient music? Pick up some new CDs and listen to them while you go for a drive. If you still enjoy these things, you'll know that you only abandoned them for the sake of your girlfriend or boyfriend. Now, here comes the hard part...Make sure you set aside time to participate in activities you like every week. If your partner protests, you need to put your foot down and explain that you miss those things, that they're part of who you are, and that if he or she really cares about you, they'll want you to have things in your life that make you happy.

2. Introduce yourself to your partner. In enmeshed relationships, there's often an imbalance in which one of the members tends to adopt more of the other's beliefs, interests, and style. If you made yourself over in someone else's image, now's the time to introduce him or her to the wonderful world of you. The next time you make plans, invite him or her to do something that you like to do. Start sharing music, movies, and books that you love. If, on the other hand, you're the one who's been calling all the shots, you need to reach out to your sweetie and ask her where she'd like to go or what he'd like to do.

3. Speak up. If you disagree with your boyfriend or girlfriend, say so! It doesn't have to turn into the next Cold War if you do it gently and respectfully. If he or she can't handle that you don't share their love of sardine sandwiches, you're going to have a lot more problems than deciding where to go to dinner tonight.

4. Spend more time with your friends and family. Today, we assign way too much importance to romantic relationships. This is a historical aberration. Up until the beginning of the last century, the community was central, and a network of strong relationships was the norm. Many enmeshed couples neglect their friends and family. If this is you, you've probably been hearing about it for some time. Take action and surprise your long-lost friends with a call. Schedule time to hang out with them, with and without your significant other.

5. Talk to your friends and family about your relationship. Respect their opinions. Obviously, if one or two people haven't warmed up to your other half, you don't have to drop him or her faster than Britney Spears can drop a baby. But if there's a consensus that you've changed since meeting him or her, they could be onto something. Ask them how you've changed and pay attention to their answers. Sometimes an outsider can be more objective than you can. Remember that these people love you as much as your S.O. does--maybe more--and usually want the best for you. Let them be your reality check.

6. Seek professional help. If you can't seem to un-enmesh no matter what you do, you may need to talk to a counselor. A therapist can advise you on how to change or end an enmeshed relationship and can also help you figure out why you became enmeshed in the first place so you can avoid it next time.


Have you or others you know been involved in enmeshed relationships, whether with a dating partner or somebody else? If so, what signs of enmeshment did you see? What did you do to help yourself or the enmeshed person reestablish boundaries?


Other Sources
Blogs About: Enmeshment
"Enmeshment: Collusion & Toxic Relationships"
"Good Fences"
"Love, Marriage, and Enmeshment"

Fun Link of the Day

Enmeshment: The Story of Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake, Part II

So what lesson can yesterday's story of ill-fated lovers Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake teach singles about enmeshment?

Let's start by defining what enmeshment is. (Yes, it's more than just a good SAT word--it also makes an excellent play for Balderdash.)


Enmeshment

Enmeshment, simply defined, is the state of being so entangled in someone else's identity that you become indistinguishable from them, even to yourself. When you're enmeshed, your values, your activities, your decisions are so wrapped up in someone else's that they aren't your own anymore. You like what they like, want what they want, believe what they believe, do what they do. It's a sadly common dynamic between parents and children and, perhaps more disturbingly, between romantic partners.

These are the couples who we affectionately call "attached at the hip." Yes, I'm talking about your gal pal who has to "check in" with her husband every hour on the hour when you go out for girl's night. This is also your office buddy who used to crack jokes about Trekkies and now builds model Enterprises and attends conventions every weekend with his new girlfriend. It's our "golden couple," Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake.

Before you protest, I fully agree that relationships require compromise, and sometimes that involves participating in events that one half of a couple isn't keen on. It's also true that the beauty of getting to know someone includes learning about his or her interests, and sometimes those interests will interest you, too. In fact, relationships can really broaden your horizons if you let them.

The problem is when you deny your own proclivities or opinions and adopt your partner's for the sake of unity. This is usually done unconsciously and may not be noticeable for a long time, but sooner or later, you'll realize that you've become a different person--a carbon copy of your partner. And if you don't, other people around you will.

Unfortunately, while a lot of people find it annoying and even distressing to watch a formerly whole friend or family member morph into half of someone else, many others, including the couple in question, consider it romantic, evidence of a couple's lasting love. The divorce rate, which is currently at 40-50%, begs the question of what happens to people who submerge their identities only to find that love didn't outlast the struggles of daily life. It's a rocky road back to any semblance of self-fulfillment when you've stunted your own growth and development for years to be more acceptable to someone else.

The romantic aura attributed to signs of enmeshment helps explain why we're obsessed with the Theresa Duncan-Jeremy Blake saga. We misread their unhealthy attachment as "true love" because our culture, by and large, endorses enmeshed behavior. We're mystified that it all could go so wrong when it seemed so right. It shakes our belief in the motto "love conquers all," compelling us to unravel the mystery and restore our faith.


How Enmeshment Killed Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake

It doesn't really matter whether Duncan and Blake's persecutory fears were grounded in fact or were the products of psychosis. They died because they were so enmeshed that they couldn't see beyond the protective bubble they'd created for themselves.

Instead of two single individuals living and loving together, Duncan and Blake willfully merged themselves into "Theremy," becoming incapable of independent thought. When one of them became incapacitated by anxiety, the other was swept right up in the current, unable to independently assess the validity of those fears or take the necessary steps to get help.

You have to be small-minded if you want to fit in the tight space that is a microcosm for two. The more insular Duncan and Blake became, the more they cut themselves off from the stabilizing influence of their friends. In the little greenhouse of their private bubble, their fears grew and multiplied, feeding off each other, until they choked out the golden couple themselves.

Ultimately, enmeshment killed Duncan and Blake. When Duncan finally succumbed, Blake couldn't imagine himself without her, tragically robbing the world of a beloved son and friend and of a visionary artist. In the world's eyes, he was a brilliant individual with his whole life ahead of him. In his own eyes, he was just half of a lifeless couple.


Originally, I thought this would be a two-part series, but I'm going to continue tomorrow with one final installment--how enmeshment happens and what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen to us.

I'm also thinking of starting an occasional series called "What Not to Do," profiling strong, capable singles on the world stage who've lost their mojo by embroiling themselves in messy, unhealthy relationships. Any feedback on your interest in this would be welcome.


Other Sources
Blogs About: Enmeshment
"Enmeshment: Collusion & Toxic Relationships"
"Good Fences"
"Love, Marriage, and Enmeshment"


Fun Link of the Day

Enmeshment: The Story of Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake, Part I

Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake. Completely in love. Completely devoted. Completely enmeshed. Singletude's two-part series examines their story and what they can teach us, as singles, about the dark side of relationships.

They were the antithesis of the singletude philosophy, a couple so entangled in each other's joys and, ultimately, sorrows that as one faltered in the grip of depression and possible psychosis, they both plummeted into an abyss from which they never found their way out.

Their cautionary tale is in Vanity Fair this month despite the fact that its tragic ending is old news. When Blake undressed and walked into the sea less than two weeks after Duncan ODed on a cocktail of over-the-counter drugs and alcohol, every life and style section ran its own investigation into the motive and method of their double suicide. That was in July 2007.

But for some reason, the media is still captivated by the intellectual belle and her rising art scenester boyfriend. Each profile lights the story of the star-crossed lovers in a different thematic hue--mystical union, all-consuming passion, heroic devotion, merciful sacrifice, and, more darkly, pathological envy, paranoia, and midlife crisis. But what everyone seems to have missed may be the key not only to why their deaths are so compelling but to why they were compelled to death.


Who They Were Apart

Duncan was the girl from the wrong side of the tracks who made good. She was raised in tiny Lapeer, Michigan in a poor, working class family amidst vague rumors of abuse and more concrete ones of mental illness on her father' s side. Duncan rebelled against her upbringing by fiercely cultivating her intellect, reporting long hours spent in the library to escape her dreary life.

Like many young girls who grow up in troubled homes, Duncan seemed to have an unquenchable thirst for attention and admiration as well as an abiding distrust of "the system." She dressed provocatively, involved herself in the punk movement, and was known for displays of abrasive bravado. Initially, her self-confidence and raw talent rocketed her to fame as an up-and-coming video game designer and landed her several Hollywood film deals. But the deals fell through, and her career became a glamorous facade shielding long dry spells of unemployment.

Blake hailed from suburban D.C. His father died of AIDS when Blake was a teenager, and relations between him and his mother were said to be distant. A friend, Malcolm McLaren, described him as a "troubled soul" who was "screwed up."

Nevertheless, he was the far more successful member of the romantic partnership dubbed "Theremy" in art circles. As a prominent painter and digital artist, Blake was known for work that was inventive and moody and was hired for such projects as Beck's album Sea Change and the critically acclaimed film Punch Drunk Love. More laid-back and self-effacing than Duncan, Blake was sometimes seen as her sidekick despite his greater achievement.


Who They Were Together

Duncan and Blake met when she was 29 and he was 24, a five-year age difference that may have enabled Blake's emotional dependence. The two became instantly inseparable, to a degree that some found romantic and others found odd or off-puting. Where one went, the other followed; they claimed that they'd never spent a night apart in their twelve years together. She promoted his work ceaselessly, never missing an opportunity to mention him in interviews, and he was always quick to defend her from critics, with startlingly out-of-character threats of aggression if necessary.

As Duncan became increasingly convinced that her lack of success was due to a Scientology conspiracy, these threats intensified. Soon, the couple was demanding that anyone who wanted to work or even associate with either of them should sign a contract of loyalty to both of them. In an outburst of paranoia, they began to harass their own friends and neighbors and were eventually evicted from their Venice Beach, California home. They moved to New York City, but peace eluded them there, as well. They became reclusive, had shared precognitive visions of disaster, and alienated more friends. Finally, at the age of 40, Duncan committed suicide in their East Village apartment, and Blake, despite declaring himself ready to move on, followed suit almost two weeks later.


The real life story of Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake isn't very glamorous. It's a story of failed ambition, obsession, and probable mental illness. Yet it's also portrayed as the height of romance.

To its detriment, our culture can't distinguish between the healthy love of two individuals and the enmeshment of floundering souls who can't maintain stable identities on their own. The biblical phrase "two become one," so often intoned at wedding ceremonies, has entered our collective consciousness as the ideal towards which we should strive. That's where enmeshment enters the picture.

Tune in tomorrow to find out what enmeshment is and what the suicides of Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake can teach us about its dangers.


Other Sources
The Independent
LA Weekly News
New York Magazine
Theresa Duncan Central

Fun Link of the Day

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