Can Single Men and Women Be Friends?, Part II

Well, yes and no. In a previous post, "Can Single Men and Women Be Friends?, Part I", Singletude delved into some scenarios in which male-female friendships thrive. But we all know that not every platonic pair rubs along together like Jerry and Elaine. Today we'll consider a few scenarios in which attempting an opposite sex friendship will put you on the fast track to Couplesville...or Frenemyland.



When Single Men and Women Can't Be Friends


1. Friends Plus

We've all lingered in this delightful stage between friendship and romance, "accidentally" bumping into each other in the break room, nudging each other at parties, and locking eyes across the table. It's a stage I've nicknamed "friends plus" because it's more than innocent camaraderie but less than full-blown love.

The key word here is stage. It's transient. At some point, the pent-up frustration reaches fever pitch, and Peggy Lee starts singing in the almost-lovers' twitterpated heads. The pressure on these two is greater than on two initiates in the mile high club, and something's gotta give. Usually, it's the friendship. The two become an official couple or at least add benefits to the mix, and if they ever demote themselves to "just friends" again, it will be through the filter of past carnal knowledge.

If they choose not to sacrifice the friendship, then they invariably head down one of two roads. Either they relegate each other to Not-Worth-It standing, in which case the friendship can survive if they're committed to it (see "Part I" above), or the attraction continues to simmer unfulfilled as they watch each other hooking up with others from afar and eventually boils over in a traumatic fit of accusations or tears. Because of the high probability of the latter occurrence, Singletude suggests that Friends Plus really can't be friends and should come to a decision on their pseudo-friendship as soon as possible, either transitioning it into a relationship or making a break entirely.


2. Ex-lovers With Regrets

You may recall that in "Part I," we established that Ex-lovers With No Regrets are rare. That's because most relationships are ended unilaterally. Someone is the dumper, and someone is the dumpee. Even if there's a mutual agreement that the relationship isn't working, there's often one person who would rather try a little harder, forgive and forget, see a counselor, or patch it up in some other way. In other relationships, neither member is content with the decision to split, both harboring fantasies of what might have been "if only."

Lots of former couples try to adjust to friendship, especially if they had a history as friends before the relationship. Unfortunately for these folks, navigating a friendship can be like steering the Titanic through iceberg-infested waters. Around every bend is a hazard--unrequited love, unresolved disputes, jealousy of new partners. Whatever hurt or anger resulted from the relationship isn't going to vanish just because it's no longer a relationship, and if one or both partners cling to old affections, the friendship can become an anchor that keeps both of them from moving on.

Over time, a lot of these well-intentioned "friendships" become empty shells as the partners grow increasingly distant. Others implode like Friends Plus-ships deferred. The sad truth is that these formerly dynamic duos can't be friends.


3. Seesaw Friends

Seesaw friends are inherently imbalanced. One of the friends is grounded in the steady knowledge that this is a friendship and nothing but a friendship, and his or her affections are stably platonic. The other friend, however, is flying high on infatuation and begins to get frustrated as it appears that the return of his or her feelings is forever up in the air. After hanging onto hope for a long time, this friend either spills his guts or becomes manipulative, trying to insinuate herself into the beloved's dating relationships, enacting various ploys to win the beloved's attraction and/or jealousy, or rolling out the red carpet treatment in hopes that the beloved will realize how wonderful the wannabe lover is. If Friend A remains firmly planted in friends territory, Friend B's resentment may erupt into passive-aggression or outright hostility that undermines the friendship.

The saving grace of Seesaw Friendships is that crushes come and go, and someone who's falling for a friend today may be mortified tomorrow at the prospect of squeezing their friend's hairy butt. While a Seesaw Friendship may not be one to discard offhand, friends should keep close tabs on it. If unrequited love persists, it may be time for these playmates to get off the seesaw.



Have you ever tried to maintain a friendship in one of the above circumstances? If so, what was the outcome? Do you think it's possible for men and women to be friends in these situations? In what other scenarios is it difficult or impossible for members of the opposite sex to be friends?


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Can Single Men and Women Be Friends?, Part I

Every two minutes, someone somewhere in the U.S. asks, "Can men and women really be friends?"

Well, okay, I don't know the stats on how often this question pops up, but I'll wager it's frequently. From the workplace to the college classroom to movies starring Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan, men and women have teamed up, tested the boundaries of the buddy system, and sometimes crossed them, either to their newfound joy or lasting regret.

For singles, cross-gender friendships are a sensitive issue because neither friend comes with a "strictly off-limits" prohibition in the form of a wedding band. So, in theory, the door to greater intimacy is always ajar if not wide open. But in practice, quite a few singles would prefer that their friends not have benefits attached.

So can they practice what they preach? Can males and females have friendships unchanged by their differences below the waistline? Singletude takes a stab at the answer:



(Note: The following scenarios are based on heterosexual cross-gender friendships and may have a very different dynamic for people of other orientations.)


When Single Men and Women Can Be Friends


1. Big Brothers and Kid Sisters

This is the male/female duo that best approximates the annoying but affectionate sibling dynamic you grew up with. They pick on each other, play hard together, occasionally open up to each other, and, at the end of the day, have each other's backs. There's also not an ounce of attraction between them.

While anecdotal evidence and some research suggests that men are less likely than women to dissociate attraction from friendship, there really are guys who want to sleep with a particular female friend about as much as they want to have a prostate exam. Okay, probably most guys would rather be felt up by a friend than a latex glove, but the fact of the matter is that, despite the steady diet of stereotypes most women have been fed, men don't want to rummage around in the pants of every woman they'll ever meet. Some of those pants are filled with bodies that certain men don't find attractive. Or the man might have no complaints about a woman's body, but her personality fails to fire a response more passionate than his interest in beer and baseball.

In friendships like these, in which the thought of exchanging saliva leaves both parties pickle-faced with disgust, a purely platonic relationship is quite plausible.


2. Ex-lovers With No Regrets

I would venture to say that most exes can't be friends. (We'll talk about why next time.) However, the exception to this rule is when neither partner is pining for the lost relationship and both are, in fact, glad it's in the rear-view mirror.

This can happen in the rare event that two lovers mutually agree to end their romantic relationship. (I'd like to emphasize the word "rare" in the preceding sentence. Rare, rare, rare. Rare.)

It can also occur in the more common break-up scenario in which, after a one-sided disappointment, the wounded party heals, moves on, and wonders what the heck he or she ever saw in that lousy ex-lover who is now a terrific platonic friend. These friendships seem to be especially workable when both exes have committed to new romantic relationships and aren't as susceptible to loneliness or misplaced nostalgia.

Again, if both parties really don't harbor lingering romantic feelings--and I know from experience that it is possible to completely outgrow such feelings--then a friendship based on shared history, mutual understanding, and respect for each other's divergent life paths is entirely doable.


3. Not-Worth-Its

This is the schizophrenic category, the one that covers tenuous friendships that may be here today and lovelorn tomorrow. These are the opposite sex friends who kinda sorta feel attracted but know it would be foolhardy to pursue whatever may or may not be between them. It might be that the attraction isn't strong enough to risk the friendship, or maybe they both know their irreconcilable differences would tear them apart as a couple faster than the bonds of friendship could stitch them together. Either way, they've both entertained the idea while drinking alone in unattractive, puffy slippers on a Friday night and have concluded that it's not worth it.

If Not-Worth-Its commit to upholding the boundaries of their friendship, they have a good shot at maintaining it. But there's the ever-present danger that they might succumb to their attraction and curiosity in a weak moment.



Now that we've visited some scenarios in which men and women have a good shot at sustaining a friendship, you may be wondering when it's not advisable to have opposite sex friends. I know it's an effort, but contain your curiosity, dear readers. The answer is forthcoming next time!


Do you have opposite sex friends? In your experience, what makes a good foundation for a cross-gender friendship?


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