I Love You, Man: A Singletude Review

It's official! I have a crush! Since it arrived from Netflix, I've been in deep like with I Love You, Man. The bromance of the century is as spit-out-your-Sprite funny as the likes of Wedding Crashers and Knocked Up, but the themes it addresses through dialogue so achingly real it feels like a hammer to the funny bone elevate this flick several cuts above. So why am I still withholding affection? Because while the movie skewers matrimania, it still demonizes singles.

Meet Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd), a straight-laced, dependable, ambitious yet sensitive real estate agent in touch with his feminine side. Now meet Zooey Rice (Rashida Jones), sweet, attractive, easygoing co-owner of a retail boutique. The two live in a beautiful house in the suburbs of LA, and Peter has just proposed. They have it all, which usually signals the end of the movie. Not in this case.

See, Peter is missing something--friends. Oh, he has co-workers and acquaintances, even fencing buddies, but no one close enough to stand up for him at his wedding. After he overhears Zooey's BFFs critiquing his social skills, he has an epiphany: "I gotta get some f****** friends!" he vows. From that point on, he becomes a man on a mission to cleverly exploit every parallel to contemporary dating cliches. In the process, he endures misguided "set-ups" (one of which includes possibly the best projectile vomiting scene in cinematic history), discovers that men online lie about their age, and agonizes over how soon to call for that first "man date." The expected hilarity ensues, not just because Peter isn't actually romancing these guys but because it hits home that much of the same hope, anxiety, frustration, and excitement that we associate with dating applies to courting a new friend, as well.

Now enter Sydney Fife (Jason Segel), a womanizing, Cheeto-munching, bar-brawling, air guitar-riffing man's man. Here the movie takes a detour to Fight Club Lite as Sydney bonds with Peter, teaching him to speak Guy (a language he flubs often and spectacularly), obey the rules of the brotherhood, and grow a pair. It's all good, and Peter is feeling the brotherly love until his fiancee fears that their relationship is threatening to become a menage a trois.

Because this is, after all, a Hollywood comedy, alter egos Peter and Sydney must each know something the other needs to learn in order to grow and change. Peter, obviously, needs friends. Director John Hamburg has decided that Sydney needs a girlfriend. Or maybe not a girlfriend yet--mercifully, the set-up that Peter and Zooey force on him doesn't work out--but the maturity and interpersonal skills necessary to land one. Therein lies the reason for my love-hate relationship with I Love You, Man.

What the movie does right is present a positive model for a balanced relationship that is not overly couplecentric. Peter and Zooey love each other and enjoy spending time together, but, by the end, they also have fulfilling lives apart with their own friends and career interests. The message that marital partners can't be each other's "everything," that they need platonic friends outside the relationship, is so enlightened and exceptional in the entertainment world that singles with singletude can't help but fall hard for this film.

On the other hand, as much fun and heart as Sydney brings to this story, he's still a caricature of the aging bachelor who refuses to grow up while all his friends are settling down. In one troubling scene, he phones everyone he knows to make weekend plans but is rejected by one after the other. Turns out his friends have wives and children who top their priority lists. Ok, Mr. Hamburg, we get it. When push comes to shove, family trumps friends. Fine. But then you pull out the heavyweights, the three Bs, and leave Sydney looking bummed, bored, and bereft. This is a guy who supposedly has a successful investment business, a collection of high-end guitars he rocks out on, a dog he's devoted to, and friends he hangs with a few times a week. Yet the one day everyone is busy, he's presented as a pathetic no-life who can't find a way to amuse himself on his own. Then there's Zooey's token single friend, who is, of course, a whiny, desperate Plain Jane (the cool, sexy one is married) and a mini-lesson toward the end about respecting the privacy of interactions within the sanctum of the relationship. These elements combine to proclaim a message that matrimaniacs are losers, but singles are losers, too, that to strike a successful balance, one should find a happy, healthy relationship or at least accept that relationships make the world go round. I'm down with the first half of that thesis but not the second.

In fantasyland, Sydney teaches Peter what he needs to learn without ever succumbing to the vices of stereotypical bachelorhood. But then there wouldn't be a conflict, and as all wannabe screenwriters know, a script without conflict is like a platinum wedding without a bridezilla. Or something. Anyway, it doesn't sell. Though I can't commit my whole heart to I Love You, Man, as the only movie in recent memory to call out matrimaniacs and lampoon intensive coupling, it still has me pretty infatuated.




How important do you think it is for a couple to maintain separate friendships outside their relationship? What can couples do to balance time together and time apart? How do you think bachelors are usually portrayed in Hollywood? Is the Hollywood version of the bachelor at all representative of the single men you know? If you've seen I Love You, Man, what are your thoughts on the movie? Do you think it has a positive or a negative message about singles in general and single men in particular? What does it say to you about matrimania/intensive coupling/enmeshed or codependent relationships? By the end of the movie, do you think Peter and Zooey provide a healthy model for couples or not? Can you recommend any other movies that tackle matrimania?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have an unpublished rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"! Singletude makes every effort to republish submissions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your submission for length and clarity.

How to Be Attractive to Singles...and Others, Too

Nerds Do It Better alerted me to this post, 37 Simple Things You Can Do to Be More Attractive to the Opposite Sex. Actually, most of these tips apply not only in romantic situations but in any social environment, whether at work, in school, or with friends. Quite possibly, you'll be familiar with some if not all of them-- be confident, stay in shape, be optimistic, and the like--but the real gems are hidden in the links, which serve up practical and sometimes innovative resources for everything from honing your sense of humor to whitening your teeth with home remedies.

Also, ladies should be especially attentive to the section aimed at women. Although I don't endorse all of them, there are some good pointers here that you don't see every day (i.e. learn to accept a compliment, dress consistently with who you are, etc.). (There's a section for men, too, but I didn't find the advice there to be out of the ordinary.)

I thought I'd round out the list with Singletude's own recommendations for increasing your attraction factor, whether your goal is dating, friend finding, job hunting, party crashing, or anything else that demands you make a good impression:


1. Cultivate your interests. Interesting people have interesting skills, hobbies, and goals. If you sack out on the couch every night like a lumpy potato, stop vegging and start juicing up your life with those guitar lessons you keep postponing or that novel you always wanted to write. Well-rounded singles have more entrees to conversation, are more impressive to others, and are more fun to talk to. Besides, you never know when that newly acquired talent for gargling while playing the kazoo will land you a job...or at least fifteen minutes of fame.

2. Find a job that you like...or, better yet, love. Singles who like what they do for a living radiate a positive, satisfied glow that attracts others like moths to flame. Because these individuals are living self-actualized lives, others admire them and are inspired by them. Conversely, people who are forever whining about intolerable job situations can be pretty intolerable themselves. If you're unhappy in your current career and envision yourself on another path, you owe it to yourself to try on a different job hat for size. As a bonus, you may find others responding favorably to your newfound happiness and zest for life.

3. Be open-minded. To new ideas, new people, new places, new activities. A healthy sense of adventure is attractive, as is respect for others' opinions and modes of life, even if you disagree with them. If you freeze out others on first contact, you might miss out on some terrific opportunities to have fun and develop relationships. You know the phrase "don't knock it till you try it"? Well, tattoo that on your brain.

4. Be personable. Go out of your way to introduce yourself, strike up a conversation, or offer help when needed. People naturally gravitate toward those who seem to like them. (This is called reciprocal liking.) In other words, you have to be friendly to win friends.

5. Be present. Ah, yes, "live for the moment." You've heard it a thousand times before. But what does it mean? Singles who are "in the moment" are excited about who and what is around them. They pay attention to those they're with and revel in their current circumstances rather than moping about the past or procrastinating until the future. If you regularly battle with these demons, realize that nothing you do today can change the past, but you're building the foundation for the future right now, in the present, so everything you do from hereon out counts. You need to give 110%! Some people may have a hard time being present because of depression. If you suspect you're one of them, please see a therapist so you can regain your ability to enjoy the present. Remember: the present is the gift you give yourself. ;)

6. Carry the conversation. Somewhere between email, voice mail, and text messaging, the art of conversation began to die out. These days, articulate, communicative people are hard to come by. Yet conversation lays the groundwork for human interaction and continues to build and support a relationship throughout its lifespan. Singles who master the art of verbal expression have an advantage on the dating scene as well as on the job. But you don't have to be the next Shakespeare or Byron to talk a good talk. Just be enthusiastic, listen carefully, and keep up your end of the conversation. Don't expect your conversational partner to entertain you since that can be stressful for him or her and ultimately create an unfavorable impression. If you find yourself running out of things to say, ask questions. Most people like to talk about themselves and will be flattered you asked.

7. Connect to a higher power. Have you ever been in the presence of a spiritual teacher, maybe a nun or yogi or rabbi, and felt a deep sense of peace just sitting and listening to them? The sense of calm and purpose that permeates the lives of people of faith can be contagious. If you often feel irritable and stressed and are searching for meaning in life, make it a point to delve into spiritual traditions that interest you. Once you're more centered in your beliefs, you may find that, as a happy side effect, people are drawn to you. Notice I said "side effect," though. A spiritual transformation has to be something that evolves naturally out of your own desire for it. If you try to force it out of ulterior motives, others will see through the shallow depths of your disguise.

8. Know yourself. Your likes and dislikes. Your opinions. Your values. Your beliefs. Singles who are in touch with themselves have more to offer to others. If you've ever been around someone who had no distinct thoughts of his or her own, you probably know what I mean. People like to share and sometimes debate ideas, and if you haven't figured out what yours are, you're in danger of coming across as though you have all the personality of a bologna sandwich. In contrast, people who know themselves can be confident and decisive in conversation because they don't need to hem and haw and mull over how to present the best facade. If you're confused about who you are, try writing some lists of things that make you happy or unhappy, causes you believe in, pet peeves, etc. Instead of disengaging from controversial topics, watch the news or read the paper and monitor your responses to the headlines. You might also try journaling to force yourself to verbalize your feelings.


Including the original 37 tips on Nerds Do It Better's list, that brings us to a total of 45 things you can do to make yourself more attractive to others! So why are you still here reading? Go get started!


What would you add to this list of ways to be a more attractive person? Have you or someone you know tried any of these pointers and found that they did or didn't work?





Fun Link of the Day

When You Don't Like Your Friend's Friends

Today Singletude is taking a break from the subject of online dating to address an issue that's been at the forefront of my thoughts recently: What do you do when your friend's friends are no friends of yours?

Lest any of my own friends assume they inspired this post, let me state for the record that it's not addressed to anyone in particular. Rather, this topic has recently been prominent at message boards I read as well as in conversations with acquaintances of mine who've complained about it, and their collective distress, confusion, and disenchantment prodded me in the direction of my keyboard and ultimately Singletude.

Most of us can probably remember at least one episode of contact frienditis, the emotional equivalent of contact dermatitis, that itchy rash you get when you have sand in your bathing suit, a pebble in your shoe, or other prolonged contact with an irritant. Occasionally, a friend shows up with a new boyfriend, girlfriend, or an entire clique in tow, and the newbies just rub you the wrong way. It might be something concrete that bothers you, such as a drug habit, sticky fingers at the store, reckless driving, or other behavior that makes you uncomfortable, or it might be something less tangible, perhaps an arrogant attitude, a sharp tongue, or a pessimistic mindset. Maybe you can't even put your finger on it, but something doesn't sit right with you.

At first, you probably try to keep the peace. You figure it's not your place to tell your friend who he or she should hang out with. Perhaps you talk yourself into giving the new addition another chance...and another...and another. After all, your friend must see something special in him or her, right? But the more time you spend in your friend's broadening social circle and the more disconcerting stories your friend recounts about it, the more you're convinced that your friend has picked up an issue of the Bad News Times and the new stars of his or her social life are on the front page.

It's becoming clear that you have to take a stand, but how and for what and to whom? None of your options guarantees a peaceful resolution. If you confront your friend, you risk angering and alienating him or her. If you withdraw from your friend, you'll be labeled passive-aggressive, snobby, or flaky. However, if you swallow your discomfort and pretend everything is peachy, you may fool your friend for awhile, but you'll betray yourself.

Before you rock that boat, it would be wise to chart your course with the following road map:



1. Do you truly dislike your friend's new companion(s), or are you actually jealous that your friend has less time to spend with you?

A. If the former, see 2.

B. If the latter, this situation requires some compromise. Talk to your friend about how much you miss the things you used to do together and suggest reserving a regular time for the two of you to connect. Try to be nonconfrontational and emphasize how you want to resume your formerly close friendship rather than criticizing your friend's choice of companions or accusing him or her of deserting you. Much of the time, people get caught up in new relationships or friendships, and their neglect of older acquaintances is unintentional. Once they realize how much their absence is felt, they gladly return, often with apologies. However, to uphold your end of the bargain, you'll have to learn to share your friend, acknowledging that finding new friends and lovers is part of life. If there's a gap in your social circle now that your friend is busier, it may be time for you to embark on some new relationships, as well.


2. Though you may be accused of jealousy, there are times when that has nothing to do with your genuine, deep-seated, out and out dislike of that schmuck your friend is toting around calling a boyfriend/girlfriend/BFF. In order to plan your next step, you need to clarify what irks you about the intruder. Chances are the offending party falls under one of these categories:

A. He or she is probably an okay person but doesn't get along with you.
There are all kinds of reasons why this might be the case, including differences in personality, background, lifestyle, values, and beliefs. Sometimes it's just not comfortable to hang out with someone you never see eye to eye with, especially if he or she isn't tolerant of your differences. If this best describes your situation, see 3.

B. He or she is not an okay person, and you know why.
Maybe you've seen the bruises on your friend's arms after her boyfriend slapped her around. Maybe you saw his girlfriend making out with someone else last week. It could be the new addition has a serious problem like alcohol addiction, run-ins with the law, or a penchant for the kind of risk-taking that lands someone in the hospital, or maybe he or she is just a garden variety gossip, liar, bigot, poser, whiner, user, manipulator, snob, flake...Whatever it is, you've seen the evidence of an egregious personality flaw, and you've reached a verdict--you don't want this person in your life, and you wish your friend didn't, either. See 5.

C. He or she might not be okay, but you don't know why.
Something seems off about the inductee to the inner circle, but you don't know what. Maybe you've heard rumors, or perhaps you've witnessed some questionable comments or behavior but nothing you'd condemn per se. You feel unsettled in his or her presence and can't help thinking that he or she is not a great match for your friend. You just wish your friend would pick someone more...or less...well, more or less something. See 4.


3. If you chose A. in 2., you've admitted that your friend hasn't made a bad choice as much as one that you personally have trouble handling. Therefore, complaining to your friend should be a last resort.

Before you stage a confrontation you might regret, give the newbie(s) a chance. Try to look beyond surface differences, establish some common ground, and avoid hot-button topics. This won't be the last time you're thrown together with someone who gets on your nerves, so use this opportunity to work on your people skills and practice empathy, self-control, patience, and forgiveness. Eventually, you may warm to each other, and you'll broaden your social scope by getting to know someone you might otherwise have overlooked.

At the end of the day, though, if you can't agree to disagree, it's understandable that you'd rather be elsewhere on a Friday night. If you're not often invited out with the new addition, you can conveniently be "busy" on the few occasions that you are. However, if your friend expects you to embrace the newcomer, you'll eventually have to have a serious conversation, in which case see 5.


4. If your answer in 2. was C., just breathe because you may have a long wait ahead of you. Probably you're itching to bitch and moan to your friend, but as soon as you do, he or she will want to know why you have an issue with the new companion(s), and if you can't provide concrete reasons, you'll appear petty, paranoid, judgmental, or--you guessed it--j-j-j-jealous. Proceed as in 3., and you may be pleasantly surprised to discover that you were mistaken about the newbie, who was just shy, rough around the edges, or suffering from foot-in-mouth syndrome. On the other hand, if he or she is a closet jerk, sit back and wait for the jerkiness to come out of the closet. When it does, proceed to 5.


5. Few people like confrontation, and there are particular reasons to avoid it if at all possible in this situation. Specifically, people tend to identify themselves with their friends and lovers, so if you criticize either, there's a good chance your friend will take it as a personal affront. The stronger your friend's feelings for the new addition(s), the more delicate you'll have to be, so tread lightly, especially if the source of your frustration is a boyfriend or girlfriend. Remember that a romantic partner or even a new sidekick is likely to be in your friend's life for a long time, maybe even permanently, so any bone you pick now may be picked over for years to come, and since your friend cares about this individual, he or she may be highly motivated to deny even legitimate complaints, again, especially if your issue is with a romantic partner.

Unfortunately, certain behavior is so disquieting that you can't, well, keep quiet about it! If you've reached your breaking point, broach the subject when you and your friend have some time and privacy to discuss it thoroughly.

If you're having this conversation because you saw yourself in 2.A. and can't coexist with the newbie(s) no matter how hard you try, be especially careful not to insinuate that you disapprove of your friend's companions just because they aren't the companions you would choose for yourself. You can ease some of the sting by agreeing that the newcomers have been good to your friend, acknowledging their importance to him or her, and even pointing out some of their good qualities. Then you can transition to wishing that you got along with them better. At this point, your friend may want to intervene and play peacemaker, and if you feel comfortable with this, then fine. If not, gently but firmly repeat that you know he or she means well, but you've put a lot of effort into fitting in with the newbie(s), and it just isn't going to happen. Express your support for your friend's other relationships and stress that this is about your comfort level, not something that's wrong with your friend. Then finish by reminding him or her how much you value your friendship and want it to continue, even though you don't expect to form close ties to the new acquaintance(s).

In contrast, if your position more closely resembles 2.B., you may not think the newbie(s) have been good to your friend or possess discernible "good qualities," and it's probable you don't support your friend's new social ventures. In fact, you might be deeply worried about the effect they're having on your friend. Again, though, you want to sound concerned, not accusatory, so keep the focus on yourself and your own feelings to begin with. Start off by confessing that you've been anxious about how your friend would react to your revelation so that he or she will (hopefully) not take immediate offense, then explain that you've become uncomfortable around the newbie(s). Since you've come this far, be honest about why. If you don't like his trigger temper, say so. If her backbiting bothers you, come clean about it. Admit that his, her, or their behavior makes you feel hurt, angry, worried, afraid, offended, or whatever it is that you feel. If your friend isn't too defensive by this point and is open to hearing what you have to say, you can express your concern for how the newcomer(s) treat him or her as well. Conclude by stating that you respect your friend's right to choose his or her associates but that you felt obligated to voice your concern because you care about your friend's safety/happiness/future/wellbeing as well as your own, which is why you can't continue hanging out with the newbie(s).

In either case, don't be surprised if your friend is put off by your attitude toward the new star(s) of his or her social life, no matter how tactfully you present it. He or she may accuse you of being jealous, unsupportive, dramatic, manipulative, dishonest, judgmental, anything to avoid the issue at hand. He or she may question your friendship and even withdraw for a time. If this happens, try to imagine how you would react if someone had picked apart a relationship you hold dear and reach out to your friend to let him or her know you're still around. Quite likely, if the person or persons your friend is passing time with are as shady as you think, your friend will realize it sooner or later and need you more than ever.



It's a sticky situation when your friend adopts a social circle that makes you feel out of the loop or, worse, spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E that your friend can't seem to read. Sometimes you can adapt to the new addition(s), and other times, you may be forced to back off to protect yourself, whether or not you can protect your friend, too. At the end of the day, the most you can do is be true to yourself and faithful to your friend and hope that your good faith is rewarded. If your friend is insensitive enough to dismiss your feelings, maybe he or she wasn't worthy of your friendship, but if he or she can respect that you won't always see people through the same colored lenses, then yours is a friendship with a rosy future.


Have you ever disliked someone a friend dated or befriended? Why did you dislike him or her, and how did you handle the situation with your friend?


Fun Link of the Day

Can Single Men and Women Be Friends?, Part II

Well, yes and no. In a previous post, "Can Single Men and Women Be Friends?, Part I", Singletude delved into some scenarios in which male-female friendships thrive. But we all know that not every platonic pair rubs along together like Jerry and Elaine. Today we'll consider a few scenarios in which attempting an opposite sex friendship will put you on the fast track to Couplesville...or Frenemyland.



When Single Men and Women Can't Be Friends


1. Friends Plus

We've all lingered in this delightful stage between friendship and romance, "accidentally" bumping into each other in the break room, nudging each other at parties, and locking eyes across the table. It's a stage I've nicknamed "friends plus" because it's more than innocent camaraderie but less than full-blown love.

The key word here is stage. It's transient. At some point, the pent-up frustration reaches fever pitch, and Peggy Lee starts singing in the almost-lovers' twitterpated heads. The pressure on these two is greater than on two initiates in the mile high club, and something's gotta give. Usually, it's the friendship. The two become an official couple or at least add benefits to the mix, and if they ever demote themselves to "just friends" again, it will be through the filter of past carnal knowledge.

If they choose not to sacrifice the friendship, then they invariably head down one of two roads. Either they relegate each other to Not-Worth-It standing, in which case the friendship can survive if they're committed to it (see "Part I" above), or the attraction continues to simmer unfulfilled as they watch each other hooking up with others from afar and eventually boils over in a traumatic fit of accusations or tears. Because of the high probability of the latter occurrence, Singletude suggests that Friends Plus really can't be friends and should come to a decision on their pseudo-friendship as soon as possible, either transitioning it into a relationship or making a break entirely.


2. Ex-lovers With Regrets

You may recall that in "Part I," we established that Ex-lovers With No Regrets are rare. That's because most relationships are ended unilaterally. Someone is the dumper, and someone is the dumpee. Even if there's a mutual agreement that the relationship isn't working, there's often one person who would rather try a little harder, forgive and forget, see a counselor, or patch it up in some other way. In other relationships, neither member is content with the decision to split, both harboring fantasies of what might have been "if only."

Lots of former couples try to adjust to friendship, especially if they had a history as friends before the relationship. Unfortunately for these folks, navigating a friendship can be like steering the Titanic through iceberg-infested waters. Around every bend is a hazard--unrequited love, unresolved disputes, jealousy of new partners. Whatever hurt or anger resulted from the relationship isn't going to vanish just because it's no longer a relationship, and if one or both partners cling to old affections, the friendship can become an anchor that keeps both of them from moving on.

Over time, a lot of these well-intentioned "friendships" become empty shells as the partners grow increasingly distant. Others implode like Friends Plus-ships deferred. The sad truth is that these formerly dynamic duos can't be friends.


3. Seesaw Friends

Seesaw friends are inherently imbalanced. One of the friends is grounded in the steady knowledge that this is a friendship and nothing but a friendship, and his or her affections are stably platonic. The other friend, however, is flying high on infatuation and begins to get frustrated as it appears that the return of his or her feelings is forever up in the air. After hanging onto hope for a long time, this friend either spills his guts or becomes manipulative, trying to insinuate herself into the beloved's dating relationships, enacting various ploys to win the beloved's attraction and/or jealousy, or rolling out the red carpet treatment in hopes that the beloved will realize how wonderful the wannabe lover is. If Friend A remains firmly planted in friends territory, Friend B's resentment may erupt into passive-aggression or outright hostility that undermines the friendship.

The saving grace of Seesaw Friendships is that crushes come and go, and someone who's falling for a friend today may be mortified tomorrow at the prospect of squeezing their friend's hairy butt. While a Seesaw Friendship may not be one to discard offhand, friends should keep close tabs on it. If unrequited love persists, it may be time for these playmates to get off the seesaw.



Have you ever tried to maintain a friendship in one of the above circumstances? If so, what was the outcome? Do you think it's possible for men and women to be friends in these situations? In what other scenarios is it difficult or impossible for members of the opposite sex to be friends?


Fun Link of the Day

Can Single Men and Women Be Friends?, Part I

Every two minutes, someone somewhere in the U.S. asks, "Can men and women really be friends?"

Well, okay, I don't know the stats on how often this question pops up, but I'll wager it's frequently. From the workplace to the college classroom to movies starring Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan, men and women have teamed up, tested the boundaries of the buddy system, and sometimes crossed them, either to their newfound joy or lasting regret.

For singles, cross-gender friendships are a sensitive issue because neither friend comes with a "strictly off-limits" prohibition in the form of a wedding band. So, in theory, the door to greater intimacy is always ajar if not wide open. But in practice, quite a few singles would prefer that their friends not have benefits attached.

So can they practice what they preach? Can males and females have friendships unchanged by their differences below the waistline? Singletude takes a stab at the answer:



(Note: The following scenarios are based on heterosexual cross-gender friendships and may have a very different dynamic for people of other orientations.)


When Single Men and Women Can Be Friends


1. Big Brothers and Kid Sisters

This is the male/female duo that best approximates the annoying but affectionate sibling dynamic you grew up with. They pick on each other, play hard together, occasionally open up to each other, and, at the end of the day, have each other's backs. There's also not an ounce of attraction between them.

While anecdotal evidence and some research suggests that men are less likely than women to dissociate attraction from friendship, there really are guys who want to sleep with a particular female friend about as much as they want to have a prostate exam. Okay, probably most guys would rather be felt up by a friend than a latex glove, but the fact of the matter is that, despite the steady diet of stereotypes most women have been fed, men don't want to rummage around in the pants of every woman they'll ever meet. Some of those pants are filled with bodies that certain men don't find attractive. Or the man might have no complaints about a woman's body, but her personality fails to fire a response more passionate than his interest in beer and baseball.

In friendships like these, in which the thought of exchanging saliva leaves both parties pickle-faced with disgust, a purely platonic relationship is quite plausible.


2. Ex-lovers With No Regrets

I would venture to say that most exes can't be friends. (We'll talk about why next time.) However, the exception to this rule is when neither partner is pining for the lost relationship and both are, in fact, glad it's in the rear-view mirror.

This can happen in the rare event that two lovers mutually agree to end their romantic relationship. (I'd like to emphasize the word "rare" in the preceding sentence. Rare, rare, rare. Rare.)

It can also occur in the more common break-up scenario in which, after a one-sided disappointment, the wounded party heals, moves on, and wonders what the heck he or she ever saw in that lousy ex-lover who is now a terrific platonic friend. These friendships seem to be especially workable when both exes have committed to new romantic relationships and aren't as susceptible to loneliness or misplaced nostalgia.

Again, if both parties really don't harbor lingering romantic feelings--and I know from experience that it is possible to completely outgrow such feelings--then a friendship based on shared history, mutual understanding, and respect for each other's divergent life paths is entirely doable.


3. Not-Worth-Its

This is the schizophrenic category, the one that covers tenuous friendships that may be here today and lovelorn tomorrow. These are the opposite sex friends who kinda sorta feel attracted but know it would be foolhardy to pursue whatever may or may not be between them. It might be that the attraction isn't strong enough to risk the friendship, or maybe they both know their irreconcilable differences would tear them apart as a couple faster than the bonds of friendship could stitch them together. Either way, they've both entertained the idea while drinking alone in unattractive, puffy slippers on a Friday night and have concluded that it's not worth it.

If Not-Worth-Its commit to upholding the boundaries of their friendship, they have a good shot at maintaining it. But there's the ever-present danger that they might succumb to their attraction and curiosity in a weak moment.



Now that we've visited some scenarios in which men and women have a good shot at sustaining a friendship, you may be wondering when it's not advisable to have opposite sex friends. I know it's an effort, but contain your curiosity, dear readers. The answer is forthcoming next time!


Do you have opposite sex friends? In your experience, what makes a good foundation for a cross-gender friendship?


Fun Link of the Day

How to Forgive

Today, I had the pleasure of reading Symphony of Love's sentiments on forgiveness and was inspired to address the topic (and free you from more, er, taxing matters for the day). We're often urged to let go of the past and cast off our anger, hurt, and resentment, emotions that have no place in the present. According to conventional wisdom (and medical research), holding a grudge can spiritually and physically damage the one who bears it. It can also make for some really cheesy Japanese horror, but we're going to nip that in the bud before you go there.

As singles, we see people come into and out of our lives as we transition through stages that may be less stable than if we lived in a fenced-in yard with 2.2 children, a chocolate lab, and a minivan. Lovers come and go, friends get married and move away, coworkers leave for better bonuses. Sometimes we watch them depart with hard feelings.

Few would deny that it's important for our own wellbeing to forgive, but it's easier said than done. For all the touchy-feely spiel about forgiveness, seldom do we get definitive, concrete suggestions for putting it into practice. Today, Singletude rises to the challenge with a list of steps to not only talk forgiveness but feel it:



1. Realize what's done is done.

Break the cycle of why's and what-if's by accepting that whoever wronged you can't change the past, no matter how he or she regrets it. Understand that the event itself is history and that only your obsession with it can impact the present.

With that in mind, consciously decide to move beyond the transgression and reclaim your future from the memories so that every time they haunt you, you purposefully shift your attention to something worth your time. Pick up a book, turn on the TV, get out of the house and meet up with a friend. Find some way of distracting yourself until the memory fades into part of your ancient history--not forgotten but not revisited with a gleam in your eye every night while watching The Godfather.


2. Express yourself...

"...hey, hey, hey, hey." Oops, sorry. Guess you discovered my Madonna mix tape, heehee.

Seriously, sometimes the roadblock to forgiveness can be removed by a simple apology, but many of us neglect to ask for one. Often, we expect the transgressor to come begging if he or she is really sorry, but sometimes the offending party assumes we want to hear from them like we want to hear The Spice Girls' Greatest Hits. Other times, he or she isn't even aware that a line has been crossed.

If the idea of approaching the "traitor" makes you want to throw up, maybe it's because you need to swallow your pride. Contact the one who hurt you and be truthful about how upset you are. (A face-to-face meeting is best, a call is second choice, and an email should be your last resort.) Explain why their actions hurt you and directly ask for an apology. You may be surprised by how quickly one is forthcoming...and by how easily it dissolves your anger.


3. Send it in a letter.

Or don't. Send it, that is.

If your relationship is beyond repair, or if part of you can't accept an apology even though you want to, you still need a way to burn off that excess bitterness. Try composing a letter to the person who slighted you, venting all your rage, disappointment, and pain. At the end, declare that despite all these offenses, you're now going to close this chapter of your life and move on. Then, symbolically bury or burn the letter, releasing your pent-up emotion and freeing yourself from tangible ties to the traumatic event.

Go ahead...burn, baby, burn. Smokey the Bear will look the other way, I promise.


4. Walk the walk...

...in someone else's shoes, that is. Whether or not you iron out your interpersonal problems, it will help you shake off that negative energy if you can imagine yourself out of the mind of the victim and into the mind of the perpetrator. (Yes, you can watch a few episodes of Law & Order to get you in the mood.)

If you were your betrayer, what thoughts and feelings would be coursing through you at the moment of betrayal? Ask yourself what motivated your formerly trusted friend, paramour, relative, or associate to hurt you in the way he or she did. Was the wound inflicted an aberration, perhaps provoked by undue stress or a misunderstanding? Were there any alternatives to hurting you in the way he or she did? Might you have done the same thing if the tables were turned? What was your own contribution to what transpired?

The more you ponder these questions, the more obvious it may become that the person you've wasted so much time hating could've been you under different circumstances. We all make mistakes, and as a great teacher once said, let he who is without blame cast the first stone.


5. Accentuate the positive.

If you want to patch things up with the doer of bad deeds, you need to reframe him or her as the same person who held a special place in your life long before forgiveness was needed. Make a list of all the reasons you love this person, from the time she drove three hours to commiserate with you when you lost your job to the extra tickets he always slips you to shows at the club he manages. Chances are after you read over the list, you'll feel a lot less like putting a horse head in his or her bed and a lot more like going out for a drink to resolve your differences. Even if you don't want to rekindle the relationship, focus on the good that came out of your pain.

I know what you're thinking: "Elsie, I'm all for the positive and such, but I'm not a masochist!"

To clarify, I don't mean that you should celebrate what you suffered but that you should take stock of what you learned from it. For example, maybe you're harboring resentment toward your boss because he hinted that you were next in line for promotion, but then you were passed over. Instead of dwelling on how your boss crossed over to the dark side, use his indirect feedback to analyze how you can improve at work so that you'll land the coveted position next time. Or perhaps you can't let go of your wrath at an ex who cheated. Rather than continue simmering about it, think of how fortunate you were to have found out she was unfaithful before you made a deeper commitment. After all, that's not the kind of person you'd want for a long-term partner.



Even if you follow these guidelines to the letter, be prepared to have bouts of misery over whatever it is you're trying to forgive. The memories will rush over you in a tide of emotion...but then recede. The more you practice the steps above, the more your anguish will be an outgoing tide. You won't forget what happened, but the memories of it will cease to be salt in your wound until your response to them is no more or less intense than memories of what you ate for breakfast. At last, the tide will turn, and the incoming waves will be ones of peace, acceptance, and forgiveness.


Have you ever had difficulty forgiving someone? What techniques did you use to expel the negative emotions and forgive? Do you believe that it's always best to forgive, or do you think there are some circumstances in which we shouldn't?


Fun Link of the Day

"Why Aren't You Married Yet?"

Sooner or later, someone pops the question: "So, why aren't you married yet?" It may be your great-aunt at that family reunion. It might be a guest at your friend's wedding. Or maybe it's that well-intentioned coworker, who asks while staring at you like a wide-eyed Sally Struthers wondering why you still don't have your high school diploma.

Granted, it may not be this version of the question. Instead, you may hear:

"What's a great girl/guy like you doing single?"
"I'm surprised no one has snapped you up yet!"
or
"When are you going to give me some grandchildren?"

These questions are often followed by creative problem solving, such as:

"I should introduce you to my neighbor's daughter's boyfriend's cousin, who just got off parole."
"Don't be too picky."
"Go catch that bouquet! You might be next!"

No matter which unwanted questions or solutions you hear, your reaction is likely to be the same--an awkward smile and shrug while you grope for words that are confident, witty, and upbeat but not forced or desperate. Somehow, you always invent a diplomatic answer that makes you wonder why you're not Barack Obama's speechwriter, but you can't help feeling irritated that you were backed into that smooth-talking corner in the first place.

Fortunately, I've never had the displeasure to be asked this question or a variant thereof (though I have gotten the modified, somewhat more acceptable "Are you seeing anyone lately?"). Perhaps it's because most of my friends and family are understanding, respectful, and discreet people, who are more interested in being sensitive to my feelings than they are in dredging up the melodrama of my life. Or perhaps by now they're used to the fact that I only pass on the nuggets of my love life when I want to, and when I don't, I tell them I don't want to get into it right now. But nosy friends and relatives rank near the top of many singles' Worst Fears During the Holidays list. Therefore, Singletude presents an open letter to married people addressing our concerns, which you can adopt for yourself, make your own, and distribute at appropriate times:


Dear Married or Otherwise Coupled Person,

Thank you for your recent interest in my love life. I know that your curiosity is only an expression of your concern for my wellbeing and future happiness, and your input is appreciated.

However, while I am grateful for your concern, I must ask that you refrain from this line of questioning. At this time, I do not know why I am single, or, if I do know, I prefer not to hold an open discussion about this personal choice in a public forum. If you would like to register an appeal, you may provide three (3) documents certifying why you are still married, when you expect to have more children, and, if you are female, how you plan to achieve my career.

Failure to acknowledge the existence of a love life should not be interpreted as an admission that I do not have one. Due to rapid and unpredictable changes in the status of my dating relationships, I reserve the right to withhold comment in order to avoid embarrassment or pity should a full-scale merger not take place. Sometimes a prospective partner I have backed suddenly withdraws, and I do not wish to disclose, and thus relive, my hurt and disappointment, especially not when it appears that my misfortune has become a sideshow for the married and bored.

More to the point, since my solo operation continues to produce much contentment and even happiness, I am not compelled to expand it to a limited partnership. At this juncture, I believe that I am positioned well to fulfill my expectations of a meaningful life, and I do not wish to endanger that trend by incorporating with the wrong partner. Unfortunately, due to incredulous and dismissive feedback from my "supporters," I have discontinued communications regarding my bullish outlook on singlehood. This positivity will remain part of my paradigm, though it will not be on display until test groups reveal a shift in acceptance of my long-term singleness.

In lieu of questions about my marital status, it is suggested that you inquire into aspects of my life that are important to me and would demonstrate your esteem for me and the things I hold valuable. For instance, you might ask me about my work, a hobby to which I am devoted, or my family (i.e. children if I have them, parents, siblings, and extended family). You may also discuss with me all the subjects on which you would routinely converse with a married individual, including politics, economics, entertainment, and social issues. You will find that I am no less opinionated, articulate, or sociable than any member of a marital partnership. Further, longtime friends and family are encouraged to monitor complications I have brought to light, such as a job loss, impending move, or health crisis, which might burden me disproportionately as a single individual, and assist as you are able (eg., by providing counsel, job referrals, your helping hands or pickup truck for heavy lifting, etc.). The help you extend in this capacity is calculated as a greater investment in our relationship than investigations into my dating life and will appreciate for future returns.

Your compliance with the above requests is integral to the continued growth and success of our relationship. Refusal to adhere to these guidelines may result in needless aggravation, the disruption of friendly relations, and mutual alienation.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. I apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused. Please address any questions or concerns to me. You are a valuable member of my social community, and I look forward to continuing our relationship in the years to come.

Sincerely,

A Positive Single


Are you often asked probing questions about your life including why you're still single or a similar variant? How do you respond to these questions?


Fun Link of the Day

Single and Shy: How to Work With Your Shyness

A few days ago, a Singletude reader, bobbyboy, suggested that I blog about the plight of the shy single. I can only suppose he suggested this because he sees right through my timid writer's persona and knows that inside lies a poised, confident tigress of an extrovert trying to claw her way out.

{sigh}

The truth is that, along with at least 40% of the population, whenever I meet with new people or even people I don't know well, my heart stomps like a clog dancer, and my insides whirl around and do-si-do. As a writer, I have a job that allows me to work in privacy most of the time. But as a single woman, my shyness can be a hindrance. It hampers me from meeting new people and inhibits me from revealing my full-on humorous, fun-loving personality to those I do meet.

Research indicates that people who have social anxiety, debilitating shyness across social settings, are less likely to marry. While Singletude recognizes that some people prefer to remain single, a problem arises when singles want to date but can't due to a profound fear of social situations. The suffering of a shy single isn't confined to his or her love life, either. Shy people may have a hard time forming friendships and business connections, which are particularly essential for a single person, who otherwise runs the risk of becoming socially isolated. Less likely to succeed at work or school, shy singles seem to have the cards stacked against them.

What's worse, although shyness may be learned, there's substantial evidence that some people are born temperamentally shy, so it's not a trait you can just "grow out of" if you try hard enough. That's why this post isn't about how to overcome your shyness but how to work with it. Although shyness is still a daily reality for me, I'll share with you some of the methods I've adopted to make it my friend instead of my foe.

First of all, you have to accept that it's okay to be shy, just as it's okay to be single. Shyness is a normal, adaptive personality variation, just as singlehood is a normal, adaptive state. Because shy people are more cautious than most, their genes were naturally selected and survived. You don't have to push yourself to become temperamentally different than you are, a task which is no more achievable than becoming 6'3" if you're 5'1".

Second, you need to conform your environment to who you are, not conform yourself to it. On the job front, it's absolutely fine to pick a position that requires mostly solitary work. Despite all the dire warnings of social psychologists, shy people can find job satisfaction in more careers than ever before. The explosion of the tech industry has provided all kinds of jobs where a worker's closest colleague is his computer. Creative types like audio producers, copywriters, graphic designers, and the like also work mostly in solitude and are judged by the quality of their output, not their communicational skills. The same applies to scientific researchers and mathematicians. In an effort to be greener and more family friendly, many businesses now allow their employees to telecommute, as well, reducing the need for face-to-face contact. If yours doesn't, approach your employer about giving it a trial run. Alternately, consider self-employment. Running your own business can be immensely rewarding, both financially and emotionally. Independent contractors, web retailers, caterers, pet sitters...These are just a few of the pros who run their own show and do so with limited personal contact.

On the home front, it's perfectly okay to live alone in a cottage in the country if you wake up smiling and refreshed every morning. Many shy singles need a place to retreat and recharge so they're ready for another bout with the world. If this applies to you, make your home your sanctuary. It's worth it to live a little farther from your workplace if it means you can afford to live by yourself. When you get home, don't feel obligated to answer the phone. That's what voicemail is for. Don't spend all evening responding to email, either. Force other people to respect your boundaries by responding during work hours only.

On the social scene, most shy singles tend to cultivate a few good friends rather than a circle of party-hopping, club-going butterflies. It's okay to dislike large crowds and parties, and it's equally okay to decline invitations to group events. A false sense of obligation has pinned many a shy single to the wall of a nightclub, commiserating with the nearest potted plant. This doesn't have to be you. If you know that you've never enjoyed social functions in the past, quit telling yourself that maybe next time will be different. It won't.

Instead, explain your shyness to the friend who thinks she's done you a favor by rescuing you from solitude on a Saturday night. Communication is very important here because you want her to know unequivocally that you're not refusing her invitation because you don't like or want to spend time with her. Inform your friend that you're painfully shy in crowds, that it's something you've struggled with all your life and have come to accept as part of who you are. Follow that up by inviting your friend to hang out, just the two of you. If your friend values your company, he'll be happy to make yours a one-on-one friendship. If he fades away, then he wasn't worth having as a friend.

No matter what, it's imperative that you remember that your friendship style is as valid and worthwhile as that of any Mr. or Ms. Popularity. No one is capable of maintaining more than a handful of close friendships at a time, and people who flit from one party to the next are less likely to have time to develop the rich, deep relationships that you have.

But what about when you, as a shy single, want to find new friends or potential dates? It probably seems like you act out the same scene in a different setting every time. Whether it's the bar, the break room, the gym, or the book club, you go with the best intentions of yakking it up with like-minded people and return alone, without any phone numbers or email addys, after burying your nose in a beer or feigning interest in a bulletin board for an hour. How do you overcome this paralyzing shyness?

The answer is you don't. Again, you work with what you have.

When at a social event, chances are you'll know at least one or two other people in the group. Try to sit near them and ask them to introduce you to other people so that you'll have an entree to conversation without having to think up lines about the weather. Hone in ASAP on what you have in common with whoever you've been introduced to--maybe you're both new in town, work in the same industry, or recently traveled to the same country--and center your conversation around that. It's easier to keep the conversation going if you know what you're talking about. If you find that you don't have anything to talk about, instead of hemming and hawing in a desperate attempt to revive a dying conversation, just excuse yourself and move on.

If you're going to a party or other function and know already that you'll be in a roomful of strangers, invite a friend to accompany you. Sometimes, all you need to boost your confidence is the knowledge that you have a safety net. You and your friend can work the room together, picking up the slack for each other in flailing conversations and providing solace for each other if either of you gets overwhelmed.

If you can't bring a friend, seek out others who are attending alone, especially those who are obviously ill at ease. Chances are they'll be especially grateful that you approached them and relieved them from the company of the potted plant. Plus, fellow introverts can make the best friends and lovers because they understand another shy single intrinsically. They won't throw earthshaking parties and insist that you be the guest of honor, they'll murmur in sympathy when you bemoan the speech you have to give tomorrow, they'll share their own tips and tricks for dealing with social anxiety, and most importantly, they'll be glad to give you lots of one-on-one time and plenty of downtime to yourself because they need the same to maintain their sanity.

Finally, don't overlook the Internet as a haven for shy singles. Today, there are whole web sites devoted to the socially anxious. Even those that attract a more general audience allow shy singles to fulfill some of their social needs without face-to-face (FTF) contact as well as to get to know potential FTF friends or romantic interests in a comfortable, nonthreatening environment. Since many shy singles are verbally oriented but can't display this talent under the pressure of an FTF introduction, they're thrilled to discover that the web is a more natural forum for them to shine. Most of all, shy singles have an advantage on the Internet because they can build relationships slowly in a virtual setting and delay FTF contact until they feel relaxed with their new friend or date, so they never have to wade through that awkward stage that turns off so many of their potential friends and lovers.

In the end, there will be some single introverts who will either refuse to embrace their shyness or will be so crippled by social anxiety that even the above tips aren't viable. In those cases, Singletude advises seeking a professional therapist who is experienced in treating social phobia. There are cognitive-behavioral techniques that can help painfully shy people work through their inhibitions as well as prescription medications that can alleviate some of the stress of social interaction.


Are you a shy single? If so, how does your shyness affect your life? What steps have you taken to either work with or combat your shyness?


Fun Link of the Day

Resolving Differences in Relational Needs

Last time, Singletude concluded with some questions about how to deal with differences in relational needs:

So is there hope if you and a loved one have different relational needs or the same relational needs in different quantities? Is there any way to break out of the habit of judging others' relational needs by our own? And, more to the point, is it possible to meet someone else's needs and still get our own needs met when those needs are different?

When differences in relational needs are causing dissatisfaction in a relationship, many therapists and self-help gurus wave the time-worn banner of COMMUNICATION. The solution to mismatched needs, they say, is to communicate those needs to each other.

Talking can help diffuse feelings of resentment and further a compromise if your needs are not too far apart. It can also bring to light mistaken assumptions about your needs or your partner's. For instance, using the example of togetherness versus independence, it may turn out that your seemingly clingy girlfriend would prefer to spend more time apart but thought you wanted to be a malignant growth on her hip. Or, using the example of self-disclosure versus privacy, maybe that friend who's about as talkative as the Mona Lisa would like to open up if she knew you wanted her to.

Even if discussion reveals that your needs really are at opposite ends of the spectrum, communicating can help you rethink how you judge your partner's relational needs. If you recall the story of Evan and I, for example, I mistakenly assumed that he didn't call me as often as I would have liked because he didn't care enough about me. After we talked, I understood that he did care about me but had lower communicational needs than I did. Sometimes, just knowing that different needs are different, not bad, can be enough to help you coexist with the differences. Occasionally, you may even realize that your own relational needs aren't reasonable and that you need to revisit the origin of those needs and learn to satisfy them in a more realistic way.

On the other hand, in some cases, even if you understand and empathize with another's needs, that can't bridge the Grand Canyon sized gap between their needs and yours. For instance, even though I revised my understanding of the significance of Evan's relational needs, nothing changed the fact that I still wanted more frequent communication than he did. You can rehash your needs till the sun goes supernova, but if they're not the same, nothing is ever going to make them the same. You may understand you partner better, but you still need what you need, and trying to forgo your own needs or fulfill needs you're not equipped to meet will only engender bitterness and frustration.

If you're in an otherwise happy dating relationship, friendship, working partnership, etc. and are intent on saving it, be honest with yourself about whether you can live with the differences in your relational needs. Remember that some aspect of your relationship will always be conflicted because you're not getting your need met in that area. However, all relationships require compromise, and if you're willing to compromise your relational needs, you have to also be willing to consciously and repeatedly let go of the hurt, disappointment, resentment, and perhaps anger that the denial of your needs will continually provoke.

The alternative solution is to make a preemptive strike, if you will, and end the relationship as soon as you realize that your needs are incompatible. If you're paying attention, this will be early on, so neither of you should be devastated when it doesn't work out. However, be sure to discuss your incompatible needs first so that your partner isn't clueless as to why you're dissatisfied. Give him or her a chance to respond in case you're mistaken but also be wary of the wishful thinking that might drive him or her to deny your differences. One of the main reasons that so many relationships fail is that people gloss over these basic dissimilarities because they're so intent on being in a relationship.

It's tragic when an otherwise healthy relationship can't continue because of conflicting relational needs, especially when you've already developed strong feelings for the incompatible partner. So when you add someone's relational needs to your home decor, train your eye to identify which ones complement yours and which don't. It's easy to make a return during the trial period, but if you let incompatible needs settle into your living room and start collecting dust, they'll be so much a part of your life, it will break your heart when you finally have to redecorate your home.


When you and someone else have had conflicting relational needs, what have you done to resolve the differences? If you chose to continue the relationship, were you able to make it work despite the differences?


Fun Link of the Day

Quantifying Relational Needs

Ah, those relational needs. Pesky critters, aren't they?

You think you've found your partner in crime, that guy or gal who finishes your thoughts before you think them, who knows you better than you want to know yourself, who makes you feel like if you could never, ever listen to your iPod or buy new shoes or eat pizza again, it would be okay as long as you were with them. Bliss follows.

And then one day, you crack that trunk of musty old stuff from his or her childhood attic--otherwise known as baggage--and out pop the relational needs. At first you think they'll fit perfectly with yours because they're all, say, living room furnishings. So you take them back to your new place and set them up in the living room with your own relational needs. That's when, to your dismay, you discover that these relational needs clash with yours. They're not the same style, color, size...nothing. You try to dress them up in a fresh coat of paint, change the lighting to give them an air of grace, a certain shabby chic, if you will...but it's still painfully obvious that while all these furnishings belong in a living room, they don't belong in the same living room, together.

That is, you and another person might have certain relational needs in common (eg., a need for excitement and novelty or a need for intellectual conversation), but your slice of that need pie might be a lot bigger or smaller than theirs. To continue with the home decorating metaphor, our needs exist on a spectrum much like the spectrum of color swatches you see when you want to paint your walls. There's not just blue but robin's egg and sky and cobalt and turquoise and aquamarine and periwinkle. It's the same with relational needs. Maybe you and another person have the same need but to differing degrees.

That's why trying to match your needs with someone else's can be like trying to find a stranger whose DNA matches your own. If you can't match your genotype, it really doesn't matter how identical your phenotype appears. In the end, you're incompatible.

Quantitative (as opposed to qualitative) differences can show up with all kinds of needs, but they are, perhaps, most damaging when they involve communicational needs. Communicational needs, I've found, are among the most integral yet variable relational needs. While we can break most people into two qualitative groups of communicators--verbal and nonverbal--within those groups are endless variations in communicational patterns. Think of all those fractal designs a mathematical genius can derive from a single equation. Yeah. Like that.

The problem is that our individual relational needs (and, in this case, our communicational needs) inform our expectations for interaction with others. So when a loved one, even or especially one who has the same qualitative needs, doesn't meet our needs to the degree that we expect, confusion, heartache, and the demise of the relationship ensue.

As an example, some years ago, I dated two men in succession who were, ironically, at opposite ends of the verbal communication spectrum. (Yes, the swing from one end to the other was a wild ride!) While they were both, like me, verbal (as opposed to physical) communicators, the degree to which they desired communication was like night and day.

The first guy–we’ll call him David–wanted a lot of contact, right away. No sooner had we gone on our first date than he was calling me every night and every afternoon at lunch and IMing me whenever he saw me online, too. Well, this was overkill to me. In my mind, it was too early in the relationship for daily chit-chat, and even if our relationship had progressed, I wasn’t sure I’d ever want someone to habitually contact me whenever he had a spare moment. Soon, I was avoiding his calls or excusing myself after five minutes to, you know, take that meeting with Barbara Walters. Eventually, David confronted me, complaining that I didn't like him enough. In fact, I liked David quite a bit. But he and I weren't on the same frequency--literally--with our communicational needs. I just didn't require that much contact, so his need became a burden.

After David, I dated a man we’ll call Evan. Evan and I were together three times as long as I’d been with David and were in a committed relationship, whereas David and I had just been casually dating. Nevertheless, not only did Evan refrain from calling me twice a day, there were quite a few days that he never called at all. Up till that time, I'd never been with anyone who didn't call at least once a day, and his behavior threw me for a loop. I talked to him about it, telling him that I preferred some daily communication, and he nicely but firmly told me that although he loved me, that wasn't the way he operated. While he was happy to see me in person more often, he didn't like conversing on the phone or Internet and had no intention of doing it every day. I tried to content myself with this, but the fact remained that my need was greater than his, so I was dissatisfied right up until we ended our relationship.

Tragically, many otherwise healthy relationships, friendships, and working partnerships unravel due to differing degrees of communicational needs. This is not only because the need itself goes unfulfilled but because we approach our relationships with assumptions based on our needs. For instance, David's assumption was that if a girl liked him, she would want to talk to him two or three times a day like he wanted to talk to her. In contrast, Evan's assumption was that I should know he loved me, whether or not we talked every day, like he knew I loved him. We conduct our relationships based on these highly individualized needs, communicational and otherwise, and then are shocked and dismayed when other people don't share our needs to the same degree. What's worse, we interpret others' behavior in the context of our needs, not theirs. So, continuing with the example of communicational needs, that person who calls us more than we need to call them is deemed "desperate" or "insecure," while the one who doesn't call as much as we'd want is "cold" or "detached."

So is there hope if you and a loved one have different relational needs or the same relational needs in different quantities? Is there any way to break out of the habit of judging others' relational needs by our own? And, more to the point, is it possible to meet someone else's needs and still get our own needs met when those needs are different? Tune in next time to find out!


Have you ever had a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with someone who had similar relational needs but to a different degree than you? What problems did that cause for the two of you? Have you ever judged someone's actions based on your own relational needs and then realized you were wrong?


Fun Link of the Day

I've Got What You Need: Identifying Relational Needs

First off, a big thank you to Singletude readers for your patience during the hardware upgrade. The new computer is settling in and starting to look at home in its surroundings. :)

While searching for some data to support a Singletude post, I stumbled across this web site. Entitled Commitment: Get Married Soon, it’s obviously aimed at single women who are chomping at the bit to cross the marital finish line. Ignore the intended audience for a minute, though, and instead of that bit, chomp on the food for thought in “Lesson One.” The unnamed author’s advice is universal and applies to both sexes, in any kind of relationship–-romantic, platonic, familial, or otherwise.

In case you’re pressed for time, I’ll sum it up: Your love can go deeper than the Titanic, but your relationship isn’t going to be satisfying unless you meet each other’s needs. Yes, I know–cue the Marvin Gaye, massage oil, and a bottle of Chardonnay, right? Okay, we need to be on the same page with those needs, too, but this extends beyond the boudoir.

The article introduces the concept of inherent needs rooted in the variations of personality that make us so fascinating yet incomprehensible to each other. These relational needs, whether biologically based or socialized at an early age, are, nevertheless, undeniable. Examples include the dichotomous needs to be a caretaker or be taken care of, be a leader or be a follower, have a trophy or be a trophy, be distant or be close, and be verbal or be physical. I’m sure there are many more. Some of them are unusual, and many are politically incorrect, but humans didn’t evolve in a court of law.

Not surprisingly, the article contends that the relationships that work best are those in which both parties meet each other’s needs. According to the article, if a fundamental need is unmet for too long, the unfulfilled partner will grow restless and want out.

So, no problem. Just give the person a generous helping of what they need, fill them up on nurture or intellectual stimulation or intimacy and everything will be fine, right?

Of course it’s not that simple. The catch is that what the other person needs has to be something you can and want to give, and vice versa. Not only that, but you also must find the right proportional balance for those needs, which can be very tricky and is, in my opinion, why we so rarely find that perfect fit we call “the one.”

For instance, maybe you’re a woman dating a man with wanderlust. He needs someone who also has restless feet, who knows he’s literally going places and either wants to come along for the ride or is fine holding down the fort till he returns. If you can’t catch his travel bug, if you only tolerate but never really encourage his excursions to remote corners of the world with unpronounceable names, you’re going to run into problems because one of his primary needs in a partner isn’t being met.

Or maybe you’re a man dating a woman who’s organized and likes to plan. She feels more comfortable when she’s the one to arrange your parties, evenings out, and day trips. In this case, you have to be the kind of guy who isn’t interested in the particulars of your leisure time together and would rather someone else take that load off your shoulders. Again, if you secretly resent that she manages your social calendar, your ire is going to smolder till it consumes you both.

To varying degrees, the same bargain is also struck in non-romantic relationships. For example, most of us are familiar with that perennial Hollywood duo, the hero and his sidekick. But that dynamic isn’t confined to the silver screen. Go to any bar on a Saturday night, and you’ll see pairs of friends in which one is a talker, the other a listener; one is outgoing, the other reserved; one is a storyteller, the other cracks the punch lines. Or step into your office, and watch this same give-and-take play out between co-workers or employers and employees. Over here’s the curmudgeonly boss soothed by his sweet, compliant secretary. Over there, Jane and John are assigned to the same project because Jane is the creative visionary and John knows the devil is in the details. These dyads have become stereotypes because they’re based on real interpersonal patterns that arise from relational needs.

A primary reason why we often feel disconnected from each other is that it’s a near miracle to find that needle in a haystack who not only meets your kind of need but does so to the degree that you need it. Next time, Singletude will explore how this seemingly minor issue of degree can make or break a relationship, with special attention to communicational needs.

Do you know what your relational needs are? Have you ever had a relationship, romantic or otherwise, that either worked well or didn’t due to the compatibility of your relational needs? Tell us about it!


Fun Link of the Day

Who to Choose as Friends, Part II

Continuing from yesterday, Singletude completes the list of characteristics to look for in a friend:



3. Your friend has firm roots, rain or shine, and if you need to lean against him, he won't break.

No matter how sparkling your friend's personality, no matter how much the two of you have in common, if he isn't dependable, he's not a good friend.

When you make a plan with a good friend, he shows up. He doesn't keep you waiting for an hour or cancel at the last minute because he found something better to do. If she gives you her word, she keeps it; she doesn't make a habit of breaking promises. If you tell a good friend something in confidence, you can trust her not to gossip. And if he has a problem with something you've said or done, he'll take it to you before anyone else.

If you've had a bad day or you're in a bind, you can count on a friend to come to your aid. This isn't a privilege you should abuse--then you wouldn't be a good friend--but if you occasionally find yourself in hot water, a true friend will grab your hand and help you out.

A good friend is stable enough that you're not thrown off balance by his giant mood swings. You have the sense that you know who he is. He doesn't continuously contradict himself, she doesn't change personalities like sweaters.

Real friends should be reliable enough with their finances to pay their own way most of the time. They shouldn't ask you for favors they never repay.

All these things contribute to your friend's dependability, and dependability is an integral part of friendship. In its absence, resentment builds and can topple a friendship that otherwise would have been strong. Once in awhile, everyone slips up and forgets you had plans for dinner, leaves their wallet at home, or gets into a car accident and needs a ride. But if your friend is habitually unreliable, it will take a toll on your time, your bank account, and most importantly, your faith in people. The last is especially true if your friend is personally unreliable and can't be trusted to keep a secret, protect your reputation, or follow through on his word.

Unreliable people tend to out themselves early, so watch for the above behaviors, not just in your own friendship but in how your new friend treats others. Weed out the undependables and nurture the friends you can rely on to go the distance.


4. Your friend is like a strong, healthy tree in bloom--pest-free, disease-free, and no signs of decay.

Some years ago, I became close with someone who was just not healthy, although I didn't see it at the time. (We'll call him Nathan.) I thought he had gone through some rough times, that he was improving, and that I could help him by being there for him. As the years passed, though, Nathan only got worse, spiraling downward until it was apparent that not only couldn't I help him, but he was going to take me with him if I didn't get out. While I'm not going to give you the Us Weekly version of events, I will give you a list of unhealthy traits I learned to avoid, either from direct experience or by inference:

--Drug or alcohol addiction
--Criminal behavior
--Severe psychiatric disorders (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, personality disorders, debilitating depression or anxiety)
--Financial instability, including gambling, overspending, and long-term unemployment
--Violent or uncontrollable temper
--Pathological lying
--Manipulative behavior
--Inability to set or accomplish life goals (i.e. chronic quitter)
--Inability to maintain good relations with family, friends, romantic partners, and coworkers

Obviously, you'll have to use discretion when applying this list. There are some wonderful individuals who are recovered alcoholics or medicated manic-depressives, ran into trouble with the law in their teens, or took a long time to find their career niche. But when you meet a person who is still struggling with one of these issues--and especially when you can run down the list and check off multiple problems--that person may need a counselor more than a friend.

Quite a few of us singles are people who have a lot of love to give, and some of us can't wait to give it to anyone who needs it. So when a troubled individual wanders into our lives, we see him as a withered plant. We think if we could just give her enough water or sunlight or Miracle-Gro, she'd perk right up like the other plants.

What we don't understand is that people like this are suffering from something systemic, a blight that extra food or water won't cure. And we're not arborists. We don't have the expertise to diagnose the problem or the resources to treat it. And so, even as we're knocking ourselves out hauling big buckets of water, setting up heat lamps, and checking the pH of the soil, the blight begins to spread.

Troubled people need love and affection. Absolutely. But much of the time, they're not able to receive it, nor can they return it. What's worse, instead of absorbing our love like oxygen and breathing it back into the friendship, these people tend to absorb the oxygen and give off carbon dioxide, returning our affection with toxic doses of vitriol, dishonesty, manipulation, and even violence. Eventually, they'll either overgrow your beliefs, values, and conscience until you're a prisoner in the game, or you'll get out. Either way, you'll be brutalized, and it will be a long time before you can recover from the devastation. Although I escaped Nathan with everything but my trust intact, some people lose friends, go bankrupt, or land in the hospital due to their encounters with "bad seeds."

So what makes a person "healthy"? Try reversing the list:

--Uses alcohol or drugs sparingly or not at all
--Has not had major trouble with the law or, if so, was never arrested for a violent crime and has had a clean record for at least 10 years
--Has no major mental health problems or has been in treatment for at least several years
--Has a steady income and spends wisely
--Is calm, reasonable, and nonthreatening
--Is a genuine, honest person
--Does not manipulate or "play games"
--Sets goals and pursues them
--Has good relationships with a network of long-term friends, family, and co-workers

If your friend displays all or most of these traits, you can be pretty sure your friendship will thrive and blossom.



Since I've been accused of being "too picky" with my friends in the past, I wondered if this series of posts would get some rebuttals, but apparently not. What do you think about today's criteria for choosing friends? How do you choose your friends?


Fun Link of the Day

How to Meet Single Friends

Now that you know where to meet single friends, you and your pals from the soup kitchen, the reiki center, or your Meetup.com group for cryptozooligists from Laguna Beach must be bonding over lattes at Starbucks, calling each other to pet sit, and borrowing each other's Juicy Couture, right?

No?

You mean Singletude has handed you four different opportunities to meet your bosom buddy and you still haven't sealed the deal?

Well, don't despair. You're not alone in your, uh, aloneness in the middle of the crowd.

I have a single friend who's diligently pursuing a career in law and is surrounded by new classmates (read: prospective friends) semester after semester. Whenever I catch up with him, he has a story or two about some of his fellow students. He chats with them before and after class and even by AIM but complains he's lonely because he can't seem to take these acquaintances to the next level. This guy is intelligent, humorous, loyal, insightful, patient, and understanding. If you were going to build yourself a customizable friend, you'd want him to be the template. But he's shy and sometimes doubts himself, and it's hard for him to know how to transition a casual social contact to a friendship.

Initiating a friendship is, in some ways, like asking someone out on a date. You have a finite window of time to make a positive impression, establish rapport, and get his or her number without seeming like a loser, a weirdo, or the second coming of Borat. Even though your interest isn't romantic, it still makes you vulnerable to rejection. You're holding open the door to someone who didn't ask to come in and doesn't know what's inside beyond what they've glimpsed over your shoulder, and there's a chance they'll say no thanks to your invitation to find out. That's hurtful, whichever way you cut it. So it takes guts to get a new friendship off the ground, and it also takes some savoir faire.

The guts I can't help you with.

Here, then, are some steps to scoring that friend date with grace under pressure:



1. Make It Personal

Presumably, you and your future friends have convened for a higher purpose than dishing about your cousin's wedding, your trip to Cancun, or your souped up but eco-friendly SUV. You have lofty goals of rehoming the homeless, communing with the divine, or deconstructing postmodernist fiction.

It's your job to bring the discussion back down to earth, and when you do, make it personal. You don't have to preface every statement with "this one time at band camp," but if it makes sense to interject an anecdote about something that happened to you, do it.

When singles are evaluating potential social connections, the most useful tool you can give them is insight into who you are. They won't get that by sticking to a syllabus. As you chat before, after, or even during a workshop, lecture, performance, outing, or other event, reveal things about yourself whenever appropriate. These tidbits can be as lightweight as where you're from and what you do for work or as serious as where you stand on politics, religion, and who's going to be America's next top model. What's important is that you open up about yourself and help set the tone for an informal, friendly environment where everyone can interact on a personal level.

Be sure to engage other group members by asking them about themselves, too. Ask the woman on your left where she got her adorable handbag because you've been looking for one just like it. Ask the guy with the Yankees cap what he thinks the odds are of a win in the game tomorrow night. Most people will be flattered that you requested their opinion or complimented their style and will be happy to not only expound on the answer but follow your lead into an actual conversation. As you chat, it will be obvious if there's a congenial vibe between you that could be the basis for a friendship. This "vibe" may seem as mysterious as the continued popularity of bold print disco clothes, but it's based on the not-so-mysterious commonality factor that you're both sizing up as you...


2. Match It Up

Research shows that like attracts like. People pick friends who are similar to them. So if you're trying to form a bond with someone, emphasize what you have in common. If someone in your group mentions an author, band, or actor you like, let them know you share their taste in entertainment (unless it's, say, Tom Cruise or the reunited New Kids on the Block, in which case it would be better for everyone if you kept it to yourself). If someone else has a view on health care that jives with yours, support their position. If someone reminisces about a childhood experience that you also had, chime in. The more common ground you establish with someone, the more likely it is they'll feel an affinity with you.

The opposite principle holds true as well, so you'll want to minimize the differences between you and your would-be friends. This does not mean you should misrepresent yourself or be dishonest, but you might avoid jumping into debates with both feet. Some people try to impress others by poking holes in their arguments, but if you're overly critical of group members' beliefs, such tactics may backfire and leave your one-time friends fuming about how they'd like to poke a hole in you. All friends have differences that affection bridges, but wait until the bridges are built before you burden them with loaded questions. ;)

Instead, play up your commonalities and think up ways to explore them together because now you're ready to...


3. Take It Outside

This step crosses the divide between social acquaintances and friends. Unfortunately, it's the step that tripped up my legal eagle friend because it's the most slippery. This is when you cast aside the crutch of your book club, charity, bible study, or what have you and see if your friendship has what it takes to go the distance in the real world. It's also when rejection threatens and your dedication to the cause is tested, so it's at this juncture that a lot of beautiful friendships cue the violins and bow out before they've debuted.

But yours won't be one of them. :)

First, keep in mind that you don't have to make the transition all at once. You can start by using your group activity as an excuse to meet outside of it. For example, if your group has any kind of educational or performance focus, it's tailor-made for practice sessions. If you're in an acting workshop, invite your prospective friends to rehearse. If you're taking a college class, suggest that you be studdy buddies. Learning to swim? Get together on a day you don't have lessons and time each other on laps (water wings optional). Afterwards, have a chat over coffee or lunch and get to know each other better.

Or maybe you don't have a reason to meet up, but you live near your new acquaintances. If so, ask them if they'd like to car pool to your next group activity. That will give you a chance to socialize apart from the group and see how the two (or three or four) of you get along. Better yet, if your group meets on a rotating schedule, volunteer to host a meeting at your house and then round up everyone for dinner or drinks afterward.

If you take these baby steps before the last big one, both you and your friend-to-be can take the friendship for a trial run, so to speak. Eventually, it will seem like a natural extension of your extracurricular meetings to call your new sidekick just to talk or ask him or her to go shopping or shoot some hoops. Since you've learned by now that you two have plenty in common, it won't be a stretch to plan an afternoon you'll both enjoy.

On the other hand, if there are no baby steps available to ease you beyond the confines of the group, your commonalities will anchor your invitations. For instance, let's say you meet a kindred spirit at a pottery class and find out she loves antiques, just like you do. Tell her about the grand opening of an antique shop in your neck of the woods and invite her to go with you. Or maybe you bump into someone cool at a Meetup.com event for small business owners. If you know of an upcoming seminar on small business management, inform your new friend and arrange to grab a bite to eat beforehand so you can talk shop.



See, that wasn't so painful, was it? Not even a bruised ego, right? :) Taking that last step doesn't have to be a leap of faith if you've taken intermediate steps first.

And if your growing friendship doesn't take root immediately, don't give up. You know from experience that singles are twice as busy, right? ;) If your new friend turns down a few invitations because he or she has other commitments, don't assume it's an excuse. Sometimes, too, people need a little convincing to give a new friendship a try. Especially as they get older, many singles are more selective about their friendships since each one requires a substantial investment of time and emotion. Be persistent (but not a stalker) and demonstrate that you're serious about pursuing a friendship.

So now that you know where and how to meet single friends, the only question left is who to choose for the position. Oftentimes we latch onto whoever happens to be available and regret it later. In the next post, Singletude presents some traits of a good friend...and some traits to avoid like "the Rachael."


Have you tried any of the above strategies to turn acquaintances into friends? Were they successful? What other tactics have you used to make friends?


Fun Link of the Day