Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles: online dating

Showing posts with label online dating. Show all posts

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Internet Dating Is Not Like Ordering a Pizza by Cherie Burbach: A Singletude Review

In case you've been living it up on your summer vacation in Cabo while I've been slaving away over a hot CPU to serve up post after post of relevant, singles-friendly info and not feeling at all bitter about it, you may have missed that Singletude is currently running its first ever giveaway contest! The prize is a gift basket worth over $150 from SingleEdition.com. It also includes a book donated by online dating guru Cherie Burbach, Internet Dating Is Not Like Ordering a Pizza (IDINLOAP).

Burbach, a professional freelancer who is also the Dating feature writer at Suite101.com, knows that of which she writes. After joining an online dating service, she went on a dizzying 60 dates in six months, a figure that defies credulity, memory, and eight hours of sleep a night. She also met her husband.

If you've been reading online dating advice for any length of time, chances are many of the tips and tricks presented here won't be new to you. In fact, Singletude dispensed much of the same advice over a year ago in"Tips for Online Dating Success, Part I," "Part II," "Part III," and "Part IV." However, if the book's strategy isn't totally original, it is solid. The reason you'll find various Internet dating experts parroting this same advice is because it works. What sets Burbach apart from the others is that she conveniently collects all this wisdom in one volume and makes it easy to apply.

How easy? Well, instead of nebulous suggestions to "be unique" or "show off your personality," she offers step-by-step instructions with lots and lots of examples so you can see what that really looks like in a dating profile. Rather than leave you to figure out for yourself what it means to send a reply that's "open" but not "too familiar" or "pushy," she demonstrates several appropriate ways to initiate and respond to messages. In essence, reading IDINLOAP is like shadowing an Internet dating coach as she works the dot-com scene. Whether you've just jumped into the online dating pool or have been swimming in it for awhile without success, you'll benefit from observing how an expert navigates the waters.

Set in big, friendly type with generous spacing, IDINLOAP adopts a conversational tone from the outset, as though the author had stopped by for a casual, one-on-one chat (which is, by the way, the same tone she recommends for dating profiles). Burbach's formula for online dating success can be summed up as the right profile plus the right attitude, and she immediately sets out to show singles how to achieve both. She doesn't skimp; every stage of online dating is covered, from photo selection to first date follow-up.

Drawing on her experience as a professional writer, Burbach reveals the secrets to creating a magnetic profile, which aren't nearly as complicated as you might think. In fact, one of her simplest trade secrets is to write as though you're "describ[ing] yourself to...an alien," someone "who speaks your language but doesn't know anything about your world." Naturally, instead of just rattling off things you like to do and places you like to go, you would describe what those things and places are like, how they make you feel, and why they're important to you. The book's main tenet is that a successful profile isn't one that makes you sound better than you are but one that sounds exactly like you are so it will attract the kind of people who would be interested in you. Burbach's guided questions and examples teach you how to reveal yourself in your headline, profile essay, and multiple choice questions.

Another key part of her strategy is to help your potential date envision him- or herself with you, something you probably thought you had no control over. Don't worry. IDINLOAP will show you how to do that, too.

Soon, you may notice that Burbach's pointers for seemingly disparate pieces of your profile are transforming it into a thematic whole, a story of you that sparkles as more than the sum of its compelementary parts. This "big picture" approach is, to my knowledge, a completely fresh idea in the world of online dating advice and should add an impressive luster to any profile.

Thankfully, IDINLOAP doesn't push the online dating newbie out of the nest once the profile is complete. Burbach walks you through the search process, illustrates how to initiate and reply to messages appropriately, and will even hold your hand through the first date and its follow-up. Along the way, she provides a crash course in netiquette and steers readers away from the pitfalls that online daters unwittingly stumble into.

On that note, if IDINLOAP has a downfall, it's that its many "don'ts" may not be flexible enough for some readers. Burbach has very firm ideas about things like what you should and shouldn't show in pictures, the search criteria you should use, and how long your first date should be (exactly 60 minutes and not a second longer). Some online daters may find these rules too confining or not applicable. For instance, IDINLOAP is squarely aimed at singles looking for serious commitments, so those who want to date casually will have to adjust the guidelines to their own purposes.

Furthermore, the book's overriding philosophy is that online dating is a numbers game, so dating site members should make their searches as broad as possible and write to as many other members as they can. In Burbach's eyes, you can't figure out much about people until you meet them in person, so you should try to meet as many as will say yes to a coffee date. In contrast, the Singletude approach is to start searches narrow and work outward so you have the best chance of finding the ideal match for you. But, then, I'm writing from the perspective of someone who knows exactly what she wants, can detect it easily in profiles, and lives in a region with a lot of online daters. Also, I would find it overwhelming to juggle as many online contacts as Burbach recommends. In short, the Singletude strategy is based on what works for me; the IDINLOAP strategy is based on what works for Burbach. Either one may work for you.

If you aren't comfortable with the book's one-size-fits-all method, you can easily adapt it to your needs. However, most of the advice in this volume is not only sound but repeated again and again by Internet dating vets, so you will want to follow much of it to a tee. In addition, part of IDINLOAP's formula for success is a positive attitude that doesn't get much attention in most online dating how-tos. Everyone knows it's bad form to whine about your ex in your profile, but IDINLOAP's definition of a positive attitude is holistic, extending beyond smiling pictures and an upbeat headline to incorporate your expectations for the dating process on- and offline. Throughout the book, Burbach serves this slice of advice straight up to singles who are letting negativity interfere with their dating prospects and helps site members reframe the sometimes brutal online dating process as a light-hearted, experimental adventure.

If you're new to online dating, IDINLOAP is indispensable and could save you from costly errors and discouragement. On the other hand, if you've been around the cyberblock and are frustrated with Internet dating sites, this book may help you identify what you're doing wrong so you can finally meet your perfect match. Even successful online daters may find themselves refining old strategies with Burbach's advice. To win a free copy of Internet Dating Is Not Like Ordering a Pizza, enter the Singletude giveaway contest today!

Have you had success with online dating? If so, what are some online dating strategies that you would recommend? What are some online dating pitfalls that singles should beware of? If you've read Internet Dating Is Not Like Ordering a Pizza, do you have comments on the book?

Fun Link of the Day

Do you have a book or web site for or about singles that you would like Singletude to review? Contact Elsie!

Don't forget to enter the Singletude giveaway contest for your chance to win over $150 in prizes from SingleEdition.com!

Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have a rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Tips for Online Dating Success, Part IV

Today, Singletude concludes the "Tips for Online Dating Success" series. Now that you're armed with all the tricks in the book, get thee to eHarmony and put them to the test. ;)

10. WHEN THE BALL'S IN YOUR COURT, PLAY PING-PONG.

Okay! You've sent a message, and a prospective date has responded to you! You've reached level one! Give yourself a pat on the back for getting this far and take a minute to rest on your laurels. :)

Now I want to return to what I said in 8. about forcing respondents to pursue you. While Singletude doesn't advocate game playing in the sense of manipulating others toward ends that are beneficial to you and harmful to them, it's helpful in online dating to have an understanding of human nature. And one of the well-researched facts of human nature is that we value things we have to work for.

This is why I suggested in 8. that you hold off on barraging your potential date with compliments, contact info, and requests to meet up. Not only will that put an unbearable amount of pressure on him or her, but it also establishes a pattern in which you're doing all the work. And if you're doing all the work, what incentive does he or she have to meet you halfway?

That is not to say that you should kick back and twiddle your thumbs while your soon-to-be significant other tries desperately to flag your attention. Singletude doesn't support The Rules or similar systems designed to drive your date crazy with angst, jealousy, self-doubt, and confusion. However, if you think of your budding relationship as a game of ping-pong, you'll soon realize that you can't play it if one person isn't returning the ball. When you "ping," your romantic interest has to "pong" and vice versa.

To that end, you've set the pace with the first message, and your prospective date should respond in kind. From this point on, you will probably engage in a series of emails leading up to a phone call or two, and if the phone contact is smooth, you'll most likely arrange a date. (Of course some encounters will depart from this pattern, but at least in my experience and that of others I know, this seems to be the general structure of online dating relationships.) The emails you exchange should parallel each other in response time, rate of self-disclosure, overall enthusiasm, and progression toward the next level.

If you write to a member every day, but he or she only writes back once a week, that's not a good sign. Similarly, if after several weeks of communicating your potential date knows all about your family, friends, job, star sign, and favorite color, and you know...his or her first name, something's amiss. Did you give out your number but wait in vain for your phone to ring? Have you scheduled dates that the member keeps canceling? These are all situations in which you're pinging but not receiving a pong.

If you're not getting consistent pongs, examine your emails for the following problems:

A. Are they too long? When people want to read novels, they go to a bookstore, not an inbox. Run-on emails can make the reader feel overwhelmed or intimidated. The exception to this rule, of course, would be if both parties like to write and send lengthy emails every time.

B. Are they too short? Emails of just a sentence or two may communicate a lack of interest, especially if the other person tends to write fuller replies.

C. Are you responding promptly? If you wait too long to respond, your potential date may lose interest. A good rule of thumb is to reply within two days of receipt of the last message, more often if he or she replies more quickly.

D. Are you balancing your messages between information about yourself and questions addressed to the other member and/or responses to what he or she has written? If you don't seem interested in what the other person has to say, you risk coming across as a self-centered bore.

E. Are you revealing so much of yourself that there's no mystery left? Don't be "easy." Try to save something for the phone call and first date! ;)

Regardless of how closely you adhere to the above guidelines, some members will cut you off during the email stage. This can happen because a member has met someone else with whom he or she has a better connection, detected some incompatibilities after reading your last message, or had a bad experience that suddenly turned him or her off to online dating. Sometimes it may happen when the member is a flake, commitmentphobe, or cheater playing around. For whatever reason it happens, it signals that this person is not a good catch. You may want resolution, and of course you can ask for an explanation, but if you don't get one, don't waste your time. Look elsewhere.

On the other hand, perhaps your pings are getting ponged, and your game is seeming more and more like a love match. Great! Now comes the real hurdle, taking the ping-pong table out of cyberspace and plunking it down in the midst of the real world without losing your stride. How and when do you move your interaction to level two?

There are as many different preferences concerning the pace of online dating as there are singles. Generally, women are more cautious than men, so if you're a guy, don't be fazed if she's not ready for dinner and a movie as soon as you get her personal email. On average, users exchange two to three emails over three to four days, but it's not uncommon for communications by email, IM, or phone to continue much longer before a first meeting. While there is some evidence that these virtual interactions can strengthen the foundation of a relationship, few would deny that chemistry is best judged in person. Accordingly, if you postpone your first date for months on end, you're liable to form expectations based in fantasyland that are particularly suscpetible to disappointment when you finally do meet.

A lot of singles recommend setting a date to meet after a few weeks or a month if possible, and that is Singletude's recommendation as well. If the frequency of communication is quite intense, with emails flying back and forth every day and nightly phone conversations, it may be appropriate to meet even sooner. The point is to make sure that the missing puzzle piece, physical attraction, is present before emotional bonds become so deep that an in-person mismatch is devastating.

Online daters typically spend some time agonizing over where to meet, what to do, and how long to do it for. Obviously, safety is paramount, especially for women. For your first date, you should arrange to meet in a public place and have your own transportation so you don't need to get in a car with your date. It's not a bad idea to leave your date's name and contact info with a friend or family member and promise to call him or her when you get home. Resist the urge to go back to your date's place, no matter how the sparks fly and sizzle. After all, moving slowly never hurt anyone, and it just might save your life. (For more online dating safety tips, see OnlineDatingSafetyTips.com, Safer Online Dating Alliance (SODA), and Online Dating Magazine.)

Even if your date isn't Ted Bundy, keeping your time together short and sweet will build anticipation for date two...or give you a convenient escape route if you're already regretting date one. A lunch break or cocktail hour, after which you have other places to go and people to see, can be the perfect setting. Some singles even go so far as to specify a time limit for the rendezvous, although it may take some finesse to walk out when your date's 30 minutes are up and he or she is only halfway through the story of Uncle Billy Bob's first time on Jerry Springer.

You can maximize your opportunity for interaction by picking a quiet location and an activity conducive to conversation (think coffee at Starbucks, a picnic in the park, or, yes, a walk on the beach). Resist the impulse to avoid the getting-to-know-you dance through a movie, at which words are forbidden, a concert, at which you can't hear them, or some athletic endeavor that will leave you breathing so hard you can't form them. Those are great ideas for later dates, but the first meeting should be about assessing your connection.

Above all, the first date should be casual. Caviar and Cristal at this stage will likely seem pretentious, disingenuous, or even desperate and add an unnecessary weight to what should be a lighthearted encounter. Furthermore, if you're meeting a lot of site members, your wallet will empty quickly unless you budget your dates.

Speaking of wallets, as the evening draws to a close, the inevitable question of who's paying for what will arise. Dates with those you've met online generally follow the same etiquette that you're accustomed to with everyone else--in other words, none, so expect the same confusion over who's supposed to pick up the tab. Many women these days offer to split the bill but hope the men refuse as a sign of courtesy, while others genuinely want to pay their own way as a matter of principle or a concession to fairness.

Personally, I like to go dutch at least until there's an established relationship so that there's no chance my date will feel I owe him something, and I recommend the same policy to other women. The more expensive the date, the more essential this is. Furthermore, the meal ticket attitude that some women have toward men with whom they have no intention of developing a relationship makes me uneasy. Girls, if you know as soon as you lay eyes on the guy that you'd rather kiss an orc, don't smirk behind your forkful of filet mignon while he forks over the cash. Unless he's Mark Zuckerberg and earns money just by breathing, help the guy out!

By the time your date has wrapped, you'll probably know whether your ping-pong tournament has resulted in a match or a zero score. From here on, if both of you want to play, the game of love proceeds the same as it would if you'd met at work, through friends, or in line at the grocery store. Whether or not you reach level three, an ongoing relationship, isn't dependent on how you met but on where you go from here, and you have the same odds of staying together as any other couple. That's why you should consider yourself a successful online dater even when you don't progress beyond level two.

However, if your date isn't so keen on a rematch, be prepared for him or her to disappear. Although this isn't the most polite way of communicating disenchantment, online daters seem prone to fall into the black holes of cyberspace when no longer interested, perhaps encouraged by the anonymity of the medium. If two follow-up calls and/or emails from you are met with silence, accept the member's decision to forfeit the game and move on. Repeatedly contacting someone who has made it clear, in word or in action, that he or she doesn't want further contact, can be perceived as harassment and could get you banned from the site.

But if you and your date don't hit it off, don't worry. If you've made it to level two once, you've acquired the skills to make it there again...and beyond! Internet matchmaking sites are not the holy grail of the dating world, and they hold no magic potion for singles seeking mates. As in the "real world," you'll go on a lot of dates, and most of them won't be with someone you could fall for. But dating sites do provide a venue to meet a lot of singles in a short span of time, and those sheer numbers dramatically increase your chances of finding someone sooner rather than later. So check out the newbies, serve up your best introductory emails...and wait for the volley!

Have you ever gone out with someone you met on an Internet dating site? If so, what advice can you give to other singles about that crucial first meeting? Do you have any success stories or--God forbid--horror stories to relate about people you met through online dating sites?

Fun Link of the Day

(Although I'm no fan of The Rules, if you have the urge to find out why, read it for yourself.)

Clever Elsie is a freelance writer and a successful online dater. If you need help making your online dating profile the best it can be, finding matches, or polishing your emails to potential dates, please contact her for rates and more information.

Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about online dating or some other aspect of the single life? Write in, and you just might see your question posted in a Singletude Q&A!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Tips for Online Dating Success, Part III

Here it is, the third installment you've all been waiting for! Yes, you can sit back from the edge of your seat and stop biting your nails now. :P

Previously, we covered tips for creating a successful online profile. Now that you've posted your bio and smiling pics minus exes and phantom limbs, we'll concentrate on how to attain level one of Internet dating, reciprocal communication. Then, we'll wrap up with "Part IV," which should send you on your way to an actual date!

6. MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR TIME AND MONEY.

This tip I've never seen recommended anywhere, although I'm sure there are other enterprising people who've figured it out on their own. In case you haven't, I'm offering it to you upfront: You don't have to pay for paid dating services.

Most online dating sites let you create a profile free of charge, and some even let you respond to other members, but few allow you to initiate contact, which, as we'll see, is important. However, many dating sites give out free trials of three to seven days. These deals usually stipulate that you hand over your credit card and register for a subscriber package but permit you to cancel your subscription within the trial period. As long as you remember to cancel, you have several days to milk the service for all it's worth. Here's how:

A. Before you register, take an afternoon and complete the search process described below in 7. (Yes, it probably will take a whole afternoon if you're thorough, so set aside a day when you have no commitments.) Make a list of singles who interest you.

B. As soon as you register for your free trial, follow step 8. and write to all the singles on your list. Let them know you're just checking out the site on a free trial and may not continue your subscription or simply say that your subscription ends in ___ days. Then ask them to contact you outside the service at a personal email address. (You can create a free account for this purpose at Google, Yahoo, or any other email provider if you don't already have an address that you feel comfortable sharing with strangers.) Be forewarned that some dating services take pains to mask anything in your communication that resembles an email address, so when in doubt, write it out (eg., "Mary1983 at Gmail" instead of "Mary1983@gmail.com"). Non-subscribing members are such an enormous slice of the online dating population that most paying members expect to receive some communications like this and, if they like your profile, will probably be happy to write to you off the site.

C. Invariably, a few members will answer through the site anyway, sometimes because Big Brother Dating Service managed to filter out your address, sometimes for other reasons. This is why you should send out your emails as soon as you subscribe. You want to have as much time as possible to answer anyone who responds to you through the site as well as to monitor their activities via subscriber privileges that reveal who's looked at your profile, read your email, added you to their list of favorites, etc.

D. Be sure to cancel your subscription before the trial period ends or you may be charged for a full month or more!

Obviously, if you take this hit-and-run approach to online dating, you'll be limited to the current crop of profiles, and you might occasionally miss a response. Plus, most Internet dating services restrict free trials to one a year or less, so if you don't get lucky the first time, you're out of luck for at least 12 months. But if saving money is important to you and you're willing to pack a lot of effort into a few days and leave the rest to chance, this could be the perfect compromise between big, overpriced, feature-rich matchmaking services and free dating sites with only 10 members, eight of whom live in Calcutta.

7. TAKE THE INITIATIVE.

Don't sit around waiting for your soulmate to drop out of the sky! Unless you've signed up on a very small startup site, this is a big haystack, and there are lots of needles besides you. Instead of making your future date go fish, throw him or her a line. Most online dating sites have a search feature. Use it!

Depending on the site, the search capabilities may be quite rich. Take advantage. The more specific you are, the greater the probability that you'll find the person you're looking for. If your search only returns 20 profiles, you can always broaden it, but as a benchmark, I used to live in a town of about 30,000, and when I searched within a 50-mile radius, the engine always returned the maximum number of profiles allowable in one search, so don't underestimate the dating pool in your region even if you live in a small town.

(A word to the wise, though: If you do live in a remote area, you may be tempted to widen your travel range, but if you're seeking a serious relationship, be honest with yourself about how far you're willing to travel on a regular basis. Even an hour's drive each way can become tiring very quickly and put undue strain on a new relationship.)

When browsing the search results, don't immediately skip over profiles with photos that don't quite match your ideal. First see if the profile includes other photos that may give you a fuller picture--literally--of what the member looks like. Even then, if the single in question has a profile that really speaks to you, don't rule him or her out before a face-to-face meeting. Sometimes people aren't that photogenic, and more than once I've been surprised by how attractive someone was in person after assuming the worst from unflattering photos.

Speaking of that profile, READ it carefully. Don't let a gorgeous photo blind you in its angelic light! It doesn't matter if that guy looks like your favorite actor's long-lost twin if he wants a practicing Catholic with blond hair and a PhD when you're an agnostic brunette who dropped out of college to start her own business. And who cares if that girl belongs in a Victoria's Secret commercial if she wants a fellow jazz fanatic to go biking with and you think Billie Holiday was a phat dude and a Mongoose is a weasely little animal? You may think you can remake yourself to fit the bill, but ultimately, the strain of pretending to be someone other than you are will leave you unfulfilled and resentful, not to mention how deceptive you'll seem if your sweetheart catches on. So take the logical approach and choose members who are looking for someone like YOU.

That said, if you fall slightly outside someone's guidelines but are a match in other respects, it doesn't hurt to write, mention that you're aware of the discrepancy, and call attention to all the other things you have in common. Many singles are willing to, say, extend their age range by a year or two or their travel range by five or 10 miles for someone who otherwise seems like a great catch.

Conversely, you'll want to be selective, as well. When you have a smorgasbord of singles an email away, it's tempting to send out "winks" willy-nilly without stopping to ask yourself if you're genuinely interested in any of the members you're contacting. Research proves that commonality is a primary indicator of attraction and relationship success, so your top candidates should be those who are similar in interests, values, and lifestyle.

In addition, try to ascertain upfront whether the member's dating goals are compatible with yours. He or she may simplify this for you by stating that he's in the market for a long-term relationship or that she just got out of a committed relationship and wants to date casually, but oftentimes you'll have to read between the lines.

Though this isn't a hard and fast rule, a single who is seeking a serious commitment will often take the time to write a more detailed profile and will have thought about what he or she wants in a partner, reflected in a list of desired qualities that one would expect in "relationship material" (think: intelligence, ambition, a sense of humor, compassion, faithfulness, etc.). There may be references to family values, a longing to reach the "next stage of life" or "settle down," or traditional coupling activities like reading the paper together on Sunday mornings, cooking meals for each other, or taking weekend trips.

On the other hand, an online dater who wants to play the field may write a vague or incomplete bio that reveals next to nothing about him- or herself, list requirements that are mostly based in the physical (i.e. "hot," "in shape," "good dancer," "sensual") or nonspecific requirements that give off the impression it doesn't matter who responds, or use buzzwords and key phrases like "have fun," "just hang," or "likes to party." This member will concentrate on the rip-roaring good times he or she has dancing, drinking, driving fast cars, and maybe even yachting around the world and invite you to join in the fun, but there will be no mention of love, relationships, commitment, or family. While all this may sound romantic, it will probably be a hit-and-run romance, so be forewarned.

Finally, a picture's worth a thousand words, so be a detective and piece together what you can from the snapshots of his or her life. Pictures of him and his family barbecuing, fishing, and camping suggest he's a family-oriented outdoorsman who enjoys simple pleasures. Shots of her in designer clothes at dance clubs, karaoke bars, and VIP lounges imply that dressing up and hitting the town is a big part of her life and that she may have expensive taste. Members post photos of people, places, and events that mean something to them, so you can tell a lot about their interests, values, and expectations just by taking note of how they represent themselves photographically.

8. SEND IT IN A LETTER.

Many online dating sites give you the option of initiating contact with a "wink," "flirt," or "icebreaker," the equivalent of a smile across a crowded room. While it can be reassuring to get a smile in return, some Internet daters, especially women, are inundated with these gestures of affection and can't respond to or even open all of them. Not surprisingly, online dating experts agree that singles are more likely to respond to those who show they're serious and distinguish themselves from the masses by writing an actual message.

This isn't as hard as it sounds, trust me. You don't have to write a novel, and, in fact, you shouldn't. The goal is to intrigue the member as he or she intrigued you, so save the details of your autobiography for coffee or drinks. A concise paragraph or two will do.

So now that the blinking cursor is staring you in the face, what do you write? Since you want your potential date to know you took the time to read his or her profile, referencing it is always a good tactic, especially if you can do so in a clever or humorous way. Careful, though--one man's one-liner is another woman's cheesy pickup line. When in doubt, opt for straightforward sincerity instead. In your own words, tell your prospective date that his or her profile caught your eye because you could relate to so much of it. Then elaborate with examples of how your interests, beliefs, values, experiences, etc. coincide. Remember that similarity increases attraction!

If you want to throw in a compliment, go ahead, but don't go overboard--fawning will make you look desperate--and stay away from comments on his or her appearance. Any member you write to already knows you find him or her attractive, or else you wouldn't have written; what he or she wants to know is whether you're interested in the person behind the flashy grin.

Conclude by inviting him or her to view your profile and respond if interested. If you're a paying member (and if you're not, see 6.), don't immediately solicit contact information or suggest taking the interaction offline. That's too fast for many people, especially women, and can seem stalker-ish. Besides, you want to put the ball squarely in your online crush's court and force him or her to pursue you if interested. (More on that next time.) If you took the time to write a good profile, it will now speak for you, which is exactly why you don't need to write a novel in the first email.

If for some reason you haven't posted a picture on your profile, this is also the time to attach a picture to your message if the dating service will allow it or, if not, to reassure the member that you have a picture and can send it privately. Be aware, though, that some members will not reply to profiles without pictures as a rule, no matter what you promise.

And now we interrupt this regularly scheduled blog post for a special announcement: A lot of members won't reply, maybe even most. Prepare yourself for it and try not to get caught up in the idea that you're getting rejected because you're not "good enough."

There are myriad reasons why site users might not respond, and many of them have nothing to do with your quality as a potential mate. Some of them have nothing to do with you, period. For example, a member may have recently found someone special and stopped answering correspondence even though his or her profile is still visible. Or, as is the case more often than major dating hubs would lead you to believe, you may have unwittingly contacted a non-paying member, who can't write back.

Even when someone isn't attracted to you, it doesn't mean he or she is looking for someone better, just different. Some people are only ever going to be attracted to blue-eyed blondes. Others want an athletic partner who can go jogging, rock climbing, and sky diving with them. Still others are searching for singles who plan on settling down in the suburbs and raising a brood to rival Brangelina's. If you're a brown-eyed brunette who prefers quiet activities like reading and moviegoing and doesn't want kids, that doesn't mean you're not good enough. You're just not what the above members are looking for.

So don't get down on yourself if the most common response you get is silence. If anything, consider yourself lucky to have eliminated someone who wasn't a match without pumping your hard-earned money into a failed date. Now you're one step closer to finding someone who is right for you!

And, whatever you do, don't "stalk" a single who has indicated he or she isn't interested. If you suspect that someone never received your message, send it once more, but if you still hear nothing back, move on. Pestering someone who obviously doesn't want anymore contact could get you banned from the site and certainly won't land you a date.

9. WHEN FROGGY COMES A-COURTIN', SEND A "NO, THANK-YOU" NOTE.

Inevitably, you'll get some unsolicited emails from other site members. If you check out their profiles and like what you see, terrific. If you don't, you can either ignore the communications or respond with a "no, thank you." Some sites are making it easier than ever to let someone down gently by providing form responses.

As a humanist blog, Singletude believes it's preferable to grant the courtesy of a kind "sorry" than to leave someone hanging. But use your best judgment. You don't owe a response to someone who has sent you a vulgar or intimidating message or who persists in contacting you after you've specified that you're not interested. Many dating sites enable you to block members who bother you or, if all else fails, contact management and complain.

BE WARY of anyone who writes to you from another country and/or asks for money for any reason. Report such people immediately. Internet dating fraud is a growing problem that everyone should be on the lookout for.

Ready for the all-important step 10.? Tune in to Singletude very soon for the big reveal! ;)

Have you tried any of the above methods to find potential dates online and encourage them to respond? If so, did you reach the communication stage? What other approaches to online dating have successfully elicited responses from singles you contacted? How do you deal with the inevitable rejections in the search process?

Fun Link of the Day

Clever Elsie is a freelance writer and a successful online dater. If you need help making your online dating profile the best it can be, finding matches, or polishing your emails to potential dates, please contact her for rates and more information.

Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about online dating or some other aspect of the single life? Write in, and you just might see your question posted in a Singletude Q&A!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tips for Online Dating Success, Part II

In Tips for Online Dating Success, Part I, Singletude explained how to kick-start your Internet dating profile with a user name, headline, and photos that show off your personal style and rocket you straight to level one. (Click on the link to "Part I" to read more about the levels of online dating communication.)

Today we'll jump right into the meat of your profile--the intro, multiple choice, and short answers. (And despite what I just wrote, we'll try to avoid flashbacks to SAT prep.) Before we get started, boys and girls :P, let's review the three components of an online dating profile. Most dating profiles have an intro, or essay section, in which the member is invited to extemporize on the subject of him- or herself and, often, what he or she would like in an ideal partner. In addition, there are multiple choice questions, more extensive at some sites than others, asking the member to volunteer vital stats and other basic info about him- or herself and, probably, about the aforementioned ideal partner. The results of these multiple choice questions are used to match participants at sites that have this capability. Finally, some profiles have added short answer questions to the mix. Depending on the site, short answers may be as routine as sound bites on the last good book read and the best local hangout or as edgy as confessionals of most embarrassing moments and favorite onscreen sex scenes. Either way, they're usually optional.

Any questions before we begin the test?

Yes?

Good! That's what the second installment of "Tips for Online Dating Success" is for! :)

4. WRITE LIKE A COPYWRITER.

For the majority of singles, the most intimidating step of dating site registration is probably penning the introduction. Let's face it--many of us find writing more painful than the prospect of being stabbed to death by a million ballpoint pens. It sucked writing essays in high school, and it's no less sucky writing them now in the guise of "sharing who you are with your perfect partner." However, this is what your English teacher meant when she said you were learning a valuable skill to last a lifetime. ;) Luckily, this time you don't need a thesis, supporting paragraphs, or even a knockout conclusion. You just need some marketing sense.

Copywriters write ads (called "copy") for products. On the Internet dating scene, your product is yourself. (Yes, I know this exemplifies the shopping mall mentality of online dating, but frankly, whether you meet people online, at work, through friends, or at the supermarket, they judge your dateability on your presentation.) Since I've been a copywriter, I'll guide you through some principles of advertising that apply to your online presentation, which is your profile:

A. Deliver on your promise.

If a site member clicks on your profile, she expects to find out more about you. Now that you've caught her attention, follow through by describing who you are and what you have to offer.

You may have heard that the rule of thumb for dating profiles is "the briefer the better." That's not true. Good copywriters know if someone is interested in your "product," he'll read as much as necessary to determine whether he wants what you're offering. Of course, this doesn't mean you should say it in a thousand words if 500 will suffice. But if you need more space to express yourself, take it. The page is your stage! (Okay, that sounds corny, but it's relevant.)

Now if you had a stage to yourself and an audience in attendance just to hear you speak, would you stand there at the podium and mutter, "Well, I'm not really good at this, so just drop me a line if you want to know more"? No, you would not. Not only would no one write to you, but you'd be lucky if you didn't get splattered with the remains of a salad.

Granted, there's one caveat to this: If you're one of those lucky folks with supermodel looks, you'll probably get responses just because you're so "hot." But the rest of us have to demonstrate our other stellar qualities, and even if you are the second coming of Adonis or Helen, do you really want members to contact you based on your looks alone?

After you've hopefully decided that the answer is no, the question becomes : "Well, what do I write? I'm not Faulkner or Hemingway, you know."

That's okay. You don't have to be. Despite popular conception, glitzy, gimmicky ads hold no advantage over clear, straightforward copy. Like any knowledgeable copywriter, your foremost goal is to communicate, not wax poetic. If you can make your prose sparkle, that's icing on the cake (more on this later). So just tell your prospective dates what they want to know:

--What are your most notable personality traits?
--What do you do for a living?
--What do you do for recreation?
--What is your day-to-day life like?
--What are your short- and long-term goals?
--What are your values and beliefs?
--What in your life is important to you?

Now reverse these questions to apply to your ideal partner. What would his most notable personality traits be? What would she do for a living? Before you know it...presto! You have a summary of who you're looking for.

Although I can only speak from my experience on this, I promise that most of the profiles I've responded to didn't rely on cutesy ploys. Instead, they answered these seven questions, and the reason I replied was because I liked the answers. You see, those ads hit their target, and that was me. Which brings us to...

B. Know your market.

A fantastic product can languish on the shelves if advertisers don't know who to sell it to. Before you dive into your "copy," think about who you're writing it for.

Like attracts like. If you're funny and want someone who appreciates your sense of humor, don't just say that you like to laugh. Infuse your intro with one-liners, puns, sarcasm, whatever you do best. On the other hand, if you're intellectual and value book smarts in a partner, instead of merely noting that friends tell you you're intelligent, name your pet theories in astrophysics or the new translation of Voltaire you just finished reading. Are you the arty hipster type seeking an indie chick or beatnik boy? Give us the rundown of what's in your Shared Music folder or your top picks from the Tribeca Film Festival. Write in the language that you use every day with your friends, whether peppered with cyberpunk references, New Age buzzwords, or retro slang.

Some singles worry about appealing to the broadest audience possible, but counterintuitively, trying to please everyone is the biggest mistake you could make in online dating. That's because you don't want everyone. You want someone who's right for you. And the way to attract that person is by revealing as much of yourself as you can so that she will recognize you as the perfect fit. Others will shrug their shoulders and click on to the next profile, but that's okay; they're not your target market. Let them find others more compatible with them. When someone who can relate to your mindset reads your profile, it will hit home as though it were written in a secret code only he knows. This is closely related to the principle that every ad should...

C. Present a Unique Selling Point (USP).

Read through a handful of dating profiles, and you may conclude that they were written by a Borg cluster. If I had a dollar for every time I read "I'm as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as I am in a tux [or high heels]" or "I work hard and play harder," I could buy Match.com! Your objective is to prove to the reader that you're not like everybody else, that you can bring to the table something the next girl or guy can't. That's impossible if you stuff your profile with cliches and generalities. Not only will it be a snoozefest, but it won't provide an accurate picture of who you are.

For example, take the above mantra of the online dater, "I work hard and play harder." Now be specific. Add examples and illustrations. As your high school English teacher paced back and forth repeating till she wore her penny loafers into the ground, show, don't tell. Following these guidelines, you might transform the oversimplified statement above into this:

"I love my job as a teacher, but on Friday afternoon, the lights go out on the ruler and chalkboard. On the weekends, I'll challenge anyone to a game of pool or table tennis, and my friends have been known to call me 'The Karaoke King/Queen.'"

Or you might wind up with this:

"Three years ago, I started my own business, and it was the best decision I ever made. Sure, I have to put in a solid 60-70 hours a week, but working as a consultant also means that I get to travel a lot, and when I do, I turn every business trip into a mini-vacation. Last year, I went scuba diving off the coast of Fiji and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, and this year I'm off to Machu Picchu!"

As you can see, these fleshed out versions of "work hard and play harder" expose two very different singles with different ideas of what work and play mean. Adding details allows both of them to distinguish themselves and better appeal to their separate markets, who are also probably quite different.

Establishing a USP is not only about differentiating yourself but doing so in categories that are important to other members. Take some time to think about qualities that past romantic partners have identified as most attractive in you. Maybe they gravitated to you because you were the life of the party. Maybe it was because you were so caring and understanding. Maybe they admired your talent as a singer or actor. Whatever those attraction factors are, you'll want to highlight them. Those qualities, in aggregate, are your USP, your hallmark, your brand, if you will. That's what you alone can give to the right taker.

Now sometimes, you can enhance your USP with an original approach if you have what it takes to...

D. Be memorable.

Earlier in this post, I said that sparkling prose wasn't necessary to an effective dating profile, but it is icing on the cake. That's because, unlike product ads, which promote utilitarian services, personal ads promote people, and people are valued for their eloquence and creativity. So if you've got it in the verbal department, flaunt it. And while a gimmicky ad that's all smoke and mirrors without substance won't sell you any more than it'll sell Pledge multisurface wipes, as long as you communicate the message defined in A., B., and C., a creative touch can only help you stand out from the crowd.

To inject personal flair into an otherwise dry profile, you'll need to depart from the traditional personal ad format and redesign it. Instead of just answering the seven questions in A. point blank, incorporate them into a unique construct, perhaps one that reflects your interests, hobbies, or professional life. The more unusual your profile, the more memorable you'll be, and that's important when your potential date is browsing through hundreds of matches. Yours should be the profile he or she remembers as "that cute one that looked like a menu" or "that funny American Idol takeoff" after 25 pages of search results.

For inspiration, here are some inventive profile themes I've seen. It's worth mentioning that I still remember some of them years later:

--The Office Memo
--The Auto/Real Estate/Help Wanted Ad
--The Film/Restaurant Review
--The Oscar Acceptance Speech
--The Closing Argument
--The User's Manual
--The Formal Invitation
--The Fairytale
--The Shakespearean Soliloquy
--The Captain's Log

Think of your own interests, and you'll likely discover a convention or two that you could parody in a dating profile.

This is part of branding yourself, to continue the advertising analogy, and branding works because it makes a product memorable. So, if you can, be unforgettable, but...

E. Don't brag.

This is where we depart from the copywriting analogy. You may want your prospective customers to know that Hefty garbage bags are the best thing since gravity, but humility isn't a trait anyone cares about in garbage bags. That said, there's nothing so off-putting as a profile authored by God incarnate. If we want an encounter with him, we'll go to church.

The single who thinks he's too sexy for his shirt isn't sexy. Whether she gives herself away by direct, tactless statements (eg., "I have to admit I have it all. I'm an awesome girl, and only awesome guys need apply!"), whether he uncovers himself by flashing his status symbols (eg., "I have three vacation homes, one on each coast of the States and one in Italy, and travel between them in my private jet, a nice perk of my job as CEO of a Fortune 500 company"), the result is the same: they attract shallow, materialistic types and repel everyone else.

Of course some of us are strikingly beautiful, talented, successful, wealthy, or in some other way blessed, and we rightly want potential dates to know it. Those traits are part of our USPs. However, there's a subtle, gracious way to hint at your desirable characteristics, and a crude, ostentatious way. The former includes posting a few pictures of you winning your Olympic gold, driving your Lamborghini, hanging with your celebrity friends, or what have you; selecting multiple choices answers that inform others you have a PhD, speak five languages, and earn over $500,000 a year; and stating some of these facts in your intro with a mildly self-deprecating and/or grateful attitude.

Undoubtedly, this will still rub some singles the wrong way, as there are those who would prefer you save any reference to your accomplishments for one of those solemn, sotto voce, in-person chats. But if you want to use your achievements as leverage to attract dates, this is probably the most tasteful way to do it. Remember that a little humility goes a long way and makes most singles that much more attractive. And on that note...

F. Accentuate the positive.

Anyone who's browsed an online matchmaking site invariably stumbles upon a few members who see the dating pool as half full. Cynical, bitter, and relentlessly depressing, they're easy to spot. Their profiles overflow with negatives--who they don't want to meet, dates they don't want to go on, problems they don't want to deal with. Chances are when you read these profiles, you were turned off.

We've all been bitten by our share of wolfish dates in sheep's clothing, and some of us have the scars to prove it. But an online dating site is not the place to show them off and compare them. Your profile is the first impression your future date will have of you. If you write a litany of complaints, you might as well walk up to a girl or guy in a bar and introduce yourself like this: "Hey, how are you tonight? Can I buy you a drink if you're not insecure, don't play head games, and don't have too much baggage? You know, I've tried this whole dating thing before, and to be honest, I don't think there's much chance it'll work this time around, either. There's pretty slim pickings out there. Most men/women are self-centered, whiny, ignorant fools." I'm willing to bet if someone like that approached you, you'd find a reason to be late for an appointment or married within five minutes.

So start off your profile on the right foot, and if you wouldn't want to date a downer, don't be one. If you do find yourself harboring resentment over past relationships or online dating experiences, take a break; don't take it out on everyone else. At the same time...

G. Be honest.

Not just because it's the decent thing to do but because if you're not, the truth will eventually out itself, and not only will it ruin your fledgling date, but it might even land you on a site like this or this, when your deceived date blows your cover. Sure, we all have flaws and aspects we'd like to change, but fabricating a flawless alter ego is the pathway to embarrassment, distrust, and rejection, not a fulfilling relationship.

How about this? If there's something you don't like about yourself that you can change, change it. If you can't change it, make peace with it as part of who you are. If someone else is going to love you, he or she will have to love you as you are, warts and all. Would you really want to be with someone who wouldn't love you unless you were ten years younger, earned twice your current income, or had naturally blond hair?

I know what you're probably thinking: "But I know he would love me if he could just get past the 'few extra pounds' thing" or "I know she would fall for me if she could see me and not my bald head." Well, let me disabuse you of that notion. People list their criteria on dating profiles for a reason. They want dates who meet that criteria.

That's not to say that you can't write to a member if you don't meet his or her qualifications. He or she may decide that your height or weight or hair color is trivial compared to your shared passions for spelunking, South Park, and zucchini bread. But if you don't give your would-be date the opportunity to make that choice, one of two things will happen when you meet and the game is up. Either your date will be upset and won't call you again, or your date will forgive you for lying.

If the latter occurs, you'll think you've succeeded. But really what you've done is found a weak-minded person with loose ethical standards who is willing to be lied to. Clearly, this person doesn't value honesty much, nor does he value himself. If she did, she would have a problem accepting a liar into a close relationship with her.

So if for no other reason than that you want a quality partner, do yourself a favor and be honest. And that doesn't just mean checking the correct multiple choice boxes about your relationship status and the number of kids you want. It also means representing yourself accurately in your intro and short answers. In other words, don't fill your profile with jokes you heard someone else tell if you're not that fast on your feet, don't portray yourself as a hopeless romantic if you gag at chick flicks, and don't sprinkle your bio with words you looked up in the dictionary. Although having a dictionary on hand can be useful to...

H. Mind your p's and q's.

It's been said many times before, but it bears repeating as many times as your first grade teacher made you repeat your vocabulary flash cards: proper use of the English language is paramount in a written medium like a dating profile. Again, the dating profile is your ambassador, your would-be date's first encounter with you, so put your best foot forward. Spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes give you an aura of ignorance and imply that you didn't care enough to cross your t's and dot your i's. So proofread!

5. ELIMINATE THE WRONG ANSWERS, THEN TAKE YOUR BEST GUESS.

And now we come to the multiple choice section of the profile. In contrast to the intro and short answers, this section is a walk in the park for most singles. After all, the answers are there in front you. All you have to do is pick the right one.

Which is fine until you realize that you're supposed to exercise "frequently" or "rarely" with no option for "sometimes" or that you've been asked to reveal private information about who you live with, how much you earn, or how many children you want.

Once more, honesty is the best policy, so start by removing your rose-colored glasses. Don't select "average" if you're overweight or gain a few inches on your height.

However, there's no easy answer (pardon the pun) when none of the options quite describes you. You can start by eliminating those that definitely don't, but then you have to make a judgment call. Returning to our above example about exercise, if you jog once every two weeks, is that "frequently" or "rarely"? It's not frequently compared to those who run every day, but it's a lot more often than those who only make it to the track a few times over the season. Similarly, if you check "country music" as an interest, does that mean you snap up every Garth Brooks or Keith Urban album the first day it's in stores or that you like to see what's on the country station when you're driving?

One rule of thumb is to err on the optimistic side. After all, if your only choices are to put a positive or a negative spin on yourself, why be a pessimist? You can also use your own acquaintances as a basis for comparison, recall the feedback you've received on your habits and hobbies, or even imagine a prototypical frequent jogger or country music fan and compare your expectations of that person to the reality of who you are.

At the end of the day, though, you should relax and realize that not everyone will share your definition of frequent versus rare, brown eyes versus hazel, or spiritual versus religious, and that's okay. All you can do is be as honest as possible, and if someone misinterprets you and is disappointed, so be it.

As for those invasive questions that you don't feel comfortable answering, leave them blank or choose "prefer not to answer" or "I'll tell you later." However, be selective when pleading the fifth. Too many blank questions can hinder your placement in search results as well as turn off readers who wonder what you're hiding.

When setting multiple choice parameters for your date, be cognizant of the region you live in. If you're in L.A. or Miami, you can afford to be pickier than someone who lives in a remote village in the Ozarks.

Assuming that you're swimming in a reasonably sized dating pool, know your market and be specific. Some singles worry about alienating other members or restricting their responses, but that's exactly what you want to do. The objective is to find someone who's compatible with you, not collect as many responses as possible from people you have no interest in. Accordingly, if you know you'll only date someone with a college degree, indicate that. If you're never attracted to redheads, don't include them. Now is not the time to be politically correct. If you're not into x, y, or z and date someone who's x anyway, eventually you won't be able to keep up the charade, and someone will get hurt. And if you don't know what turns you on or off, now is the time to give it some thought because it's hard to look for the right person if you don't know who you're looking for. (Also note that girls or guys who read your amazingly egalitarian profile may wonder why you haven't spent any time thinking about it, too, and conclude that you don't take this seriously.)

So be specific from the start. Down the road, there'll be plenty of time to broaden your horizons if you aren't getting enough responses. But why not aim high and increase your chances of finding the best match for you?

Whew! Were you taking notes, class? ;) Now that we've covered the mechanics of constructing a winning online dating profile, we can move on to the netiquette of dating site correspondence and, finally, that all-important first date! Stay tuned...

What tips and tricks can you recommend for composing the perfect online dating profile? Can you share what attracts or repels you in a profile?

Fun Link of the Day

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Tips for Online Dating Success, Part I

So you've read the reviews, you've mulled over the pros and cons, and you've finally decided to take the plunge into online dating. A blank profile and blinking cursor loom before you. Now what?

You have approximately 500 words to reveal your personality, values, beliefs, goals, and dreams (while remaining mysterious), display your fine sense of humor (without offending), charm (without mugging), and be completely honest (without letting on that you've screwed up as much as the next hapless dater) before your potential mate's trigger-happy mouse clicks on its merry way.

What do you do to attract and hold his or her attention? More importantly, what do you say when that coveted response arrives in your inbox? When do you seize the moment to move the interaction offline?

Based on a general consensus of online experts and my own trial-and-error experiences, the next Singletude series offers tips for an unhumiliating, unfrightening, unfrustrating, and ultimately successful online dating experience. (I was going to say "a happy, healthy online dating experience," but that made me want to throw up in my mouth a little.)

Before we get started, let's be clear about what constitutes "successful" in the world of Internet dating. For Singletude's purposes, there are three levels of success. Level one is reciprocal communication, level two is real-world interaction (i.e. a date), and level three is an ongoing relationship. Some people only define success as reaching level two or three, but I think if you've constructed a profile enticing enough to draw a response, then that's a success in itself because it means you're on the right track to higher levels.

As someone who has tried online dating services twice and has reached level three both times, I'd like to suggest the following tips, starting with three today:

1. GET YOUR NAME RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

Many online dating sites won't let you have a redo, so choose wisely. Catchy or humorous names show off your personality and hook in potential dates where senseless strings of numbers or initials do not. Second best to an amusing moniker is one that's descriptive, identifying you with something you like to do, someplace you like to go, or a trait for which you're known.

Avoid names that would be meaningless to a stranger or, worse, have off-color or disturbing connotations. You may think it's cute to call yourself "HiJacker" if your name is Jack or "The420Girl" if your street number is 420, but a lot of people will be creeped out, not drawn in. Even seemingly innocuous handles like "FlirtyGerty" or "ItalianStallion" can leave others with unfavorable impressions of who you are and what you want out of online dating. The moral of the story: "Handle" with care.

2. YOU OUGHTA BE IN PICTURES.

I hate to say it, but the first thing your potential date will look at isn't your headline, and it isn't the stats on your age and residence squished at the bottom of your thumbnail. It's the photo. Yes, I despise this "shallowness" as much as you do. I wish we all could look beyond the surface and appreciate each other's inner beauty. Really. I'm not just pouring on the sarcasm till I get to the punchline. But the reality is that we're homo sapiens. And even though we share more DNA with bats than with dogs or cats, we're not blind. Visual signals are paramount to us, and physical attraction is grounded in them. In fact, dating profiles with pictures are eight to ten times more likely to get responses than those without.

Whether it's because pictures are the only way of assessing attraction on the Web or because they really are pickier, online daters seem to value a photogenic face above all else and are especially unforgiving toward those who don't pass the hot-or-not snapshot test. So make the most of what you have in the physical department, and take a few photos that highlight your best features. If possible, visit a professional photographer for your photo shoot. Some even specialize in dating site head shots. (Point your browser to LookBetterOnline or the aptly named Dating Headshots for starters.) Or if you're determined to take the do-it-yourself route, stick to the following tried and true techniques:

A. Pick a different outfit for every shot so your pictures have a candid feel. Clothing should reflect you at your best on an average day. Sound like a paradox? It's not. What this means is that you should look like you, not someone who just stepped out of a boardroom or a black tie affair (unless, that is, boardrooms and black tie affairs are part of your average day), but neither should you look like someone who just woke up in a pile of Pringles (even if Pringles are part of your average day). What you want to present is the washed, combed, shaved version of you in clothes that you'd wear out with friends in the daytime.
B. Pick a different location for every shot for the same reason as in A. The setting should be part of your usual milieu and not too busy or garish, such as your living room sofa, your back porch, or a park bench where you often spend time.
C. Use slightly soft focus and, if you have a digicam, increase the color saturation or opt for black and white.
D. Shoot in daylight if possible to avoid the orange tint of incandescent lighting unless you know how to adjust the white balance. Try to time the shoot for the early morning or late afternoon hours when the sun isn't directly overhead, or pose in the shade.
E. Get at least one close-up, one three-quarter length, and one full-body picture. Online daters are understandably suspicious if you obscure your face or body.
F. Try a variety of angles until you find one or two that flatter you most. Three-quarter shots are usually more flattering than head-ons or profiles. The camera lens should be held at eye level or slightly above to magnify the eyes and minimize the lower half of the face, which can be a problem spot. A three-quarter pose with the head inclined toward the camera is often a winner. To obscure a feature you don't like such as a high forehead or weak chin, prop a hand against your face.
G. Smile like you mean it! It makes you look friendly and inviting, and most people look better smiling anyway. If your pearly whites aren't so pearly, make it a close-lipped grin.
H. Photoshop, Photoshop, Photoshop! YES, it's OK to use photo imaging software. While you shouldn't abuse it to drop 20 years and 50 lbs. in the click of a mouse, erasing blemishes, dark under-eye circles, and flyaways is what it's all about.

If you're selecting old photos instead of taking new ones, incorporate the above rules and:

A. Choose photos taken within the last year or so, and if your appearance has changed dramatically after piercing your nose in five places or dying your hair purple, make sure your pictures reflect this. Posting outdated photos is misrepresenting yourself, and to say it's off-putting to meet someone with bald spots or fat rolls that were MIA in pictures is an understatement.
B. Screen out pictures with members of the opposite sex unless you can edit them without leaving behind phantom limbs. (Hint: Most people can't.) Even if the offending parties are just friends or relatives, on first glance dating site members may be put off, imagining that you're a player or that they'll have to compete for your attention.
C. If you're displaying group photos, make sure there are also several clear photos of you solo and that one of these is your main photo. Potential dates don't want to play guessing games to solve the riddle of your identity.
D. Be conscious of your image and what your chosen photographs convey about you. If most of your pictures were taken at parties or clubs, potential dates will assume that you're active in the nightlife scene. If you're scantily clad in your photos, you may give off the vibe that you're more interested in a physical relationship than a serious commitment. If you're scaling mountains and waving from hang gliders in your photos, you're portraying yourself as active and adventurous, whereas if you're contorting your face into maniacal expressions, wrestling your friends, and squirting passersby with water guns, you're liable to be seen as a goofball or practical joker. Think of your photos as your ambassadors, and select those that best represent who you are.
E. Limit your exotic safari memorabilia. Some experts will advise you to eliminate such photos entirely, but I disagree. I'm always interested to see that someone has been ice fishing in Siberia or wind surfing in the Caribbean; it tells me a lot about what makes them tick. But some people find these photos pretentious, distracting, or just plain annoying, and the point, after all, is to find a date, not a travel agent. So with this in mind, my advice is to always tip the head shot to landscape ratio in favor of head shots and never to post more than three or four landscapes total. This is, of course, assuming that the landscapes don't show clear images of you. If the breathtaking vistas are just background for head shots, then post as many as your heart desires.
F. Aim to include between three and seven or eight pictures. Don't upload your whole photo album. Few dating site members will wade through 10 or 15 pictures to find the best angles of you and, worse, exhibiting a collection like this may give the impression that you're vain or had a lot of time on your hands to turn your profile into an online gallery. On the other hand, less than three pictures may leave people wondering if you just got one or two lucky shots.

3. MAKE HEADLINE NEWS.

Although it's a distant second to your photo, your headline is the next "unique selling point," in advertising speak, that your "target market" will see, so follow the formula of any print ad and make it brief and cute. The goal is to charm your would-be date and stir curiosity.

Now I'll be honest here. If I like what I see in a photo, I'm going to click on the profile unless the headline is so offensive (i.e. "Back that ass up over here!") or so bluntly solicitous of someone I clearly am not (i.e. "Seeking Tattooed, Bearded BBW") that there's no point in investigating further. But the headline can drop me a clue to someone's personality and affects my overall impression of whether or not he'd be a good match. I react most favorably to dry, witty headlines, and I suspect many others do, as well. My second choice would be the straightforward "last nice guy seeks down-to-earth girl" kind of headline, although such an intro would also suggest to me that the guy wasn't blessed with a heaping dose of creativity. However, what really turns me off is a regurgitation of the most popular headline of the month. (Yes, I'm talking to you if you ever kicked off your profile with "You had me at hello" or "You've got mail!") Only slightly less perturbing are the bland "Prince Charming Seeks Cinderella" or "Superman needs his Lois Lane" variety of headline.

Bottom line: Take some time to invent a clever, attention-grabbing headline that communicates something about who you are. For example, if you're a concert pianist, you might say, "Piano soloist ready for duet." Or if you're in the medical profession, your headline might read, "I promise this won't hurt a bit..." If you must use a quote, either make it a rare one that means something to you or modify it with an original twist. And unless you're on a physical encounters site, please spare us the double entendres.

More tips for online dating success are on the way, so stop in again soon!

In the meantime, please tell us what your tips are for dating profile names, photos, and headlines. What kinds of names, photos, and headlines encourage you to click on someone's profile? If you've had success in the past and are willing to share, what name or headline did you use, and what kinds of photos did you post?

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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Online Dating Pros and Cons, Part II

Last time, Singletude reviewed the reasons that online dating is the best thing since going steady. But before the Match.coms and Yahoo! Personals of the world start gloating, let's be frank--dating sites aren't a quick fix for bars or setups. For the sake of balanced discussion, let's focus in on the dark side of meeting a mate in cyberspace.

CONS

1. Online dating services create the illusion of a larger dating pool but don't always deliver on that promise. While metropolitan areas may have oodles of singles, rural locations may not turn up a blip on the 20-mile search radar. Even if you're willing to travel, you may find that the residents of those teeming cities are not. For those who do choose to begin a long-distance relationship, their budding romance will be tested by the constraints of physical separation, a burden that has broken many a stable long-term partnership.

Plus, matchmaking sites have a dirty little secret--the millions of members they flaunt aren't all paid subscribers, and in most cases, only subscribers can initiate and respond to communication. For example, as of 2004, Match.com had 20 million members but only 910,000 subscribers! (Match.com has apparently stopped reporting updated statistics since they've been losing traffic.) So out of every 20 members you write to, only one will be able to respond. Statistically speaking, the odds are the same as your chances of becoming a victim of violent crime. Better cross your fingers you're his/her type!

2. While this may not be a con for everyone, singles seeking serious relationships will find that the web is a magnet for serial daters attracted by the endless supply of fresh pickings. Thus it can be easy to book a date for the movies but not so much a date for the wedding. On the plus side, there are sites like eHarmony, Chemistry, and True which cater to those who want long-term commitments, but they expect you to pay for the privilege of meeting men and women who are interested in more than sex or free dinner.

3. Online dating sites are very competitive, especially for men. On many sites, men outnumber women seven to three. So it's a buyer's market for the ladies, who can afford to be choosier. However, this doesn't mean that women automatically get their pick of the litter, particularly if they've all set their sights on the same subset of handsome, successful guys. The outcome is that members of both sexes rant and rail about how often they're snubbed and passed over. This can make for a frustrating, disheartening, and even soul-crushing experience if you don't have rock-solid self-esteem.

4. If you want to succeed at online dating, you must be photogenically blessed. On the World Wide Web, the photo is king. Many members won't look twice at profiles that don't include one, which means you'll have to throw anonymity to the wind. Moreover, it's not enough for you to just post a photo. It has to be a good photo, defined as one that makes you look like Niki Taylor or Tyson Beckford. The attractive girl- or guy-next-door look won't get you a wink, much less a date.

The problem is that lots of people aren't too photogenic. Still shots focus attention on facial flaws, which aren't as noticeable in person due to the distraction of continuous motion, speech, and nonverbal expression. Critics of online dating services complain that they get few responses even though they have no problem attracting interest in real life and people who know them personally consider them physically appealing.

5. What you see on a dating site isn't always what you get. Despite the certainty of eventual humiliation and rejection, some members fudge their age, height, weight, hair color (or lack thereof), income, and even marital status. Exaggerations, omissions, and outright lies also abound in the freewriting sections, in which some singles magically become far more outgoing, charming, witty, intelligent, confident, sophisticated, and comfortable in both dress clothes and jeans than they'll ever be in the real world. Granted some of these lies are unintentional, the product of wishful thinking combined with a lack of self-awareness. But the effect is the same--when you meet Mr. or Ms. Too Good To Be True, you feel disappointed and deceived.

Now, it's important to remember that liars don't just lurk online; you can get conned by someone you meet at a bar, in a class, or on the job, too. But when you meet in person, at least you know upfront if you're getting a Cameron Diaz or a Camryn Manheim, a George Clooney or a Boy George. Plus, the more integrated someone is into your world (as with a coworker or friend of a friend), the harder it is for them to hide behind a facade. When your only point of contact is the Internet, a player can keep the game going longer.

6. The shopping mall setup of Internet dating sites enables users to treat other people like commodities. Visit any online dating review site, and you'll see plenty of grousing about this one. Whether online dating encourages this mentality or online daters bring it to the table is anybody's guess, but dating site members are quite vocal about its entrenchment in the web community. Their argument is that dating sites, with their customizable search forms, impersonal methods of communication, and constant influx of fresh blood, enable users to be overly selective, treating people like consumer goods who can be disposed of and replaced as soon as something better comes along.

As a rebuttal to this theory, there is no proof, as far as I'm aware, that online dating site members are pickier than the general public. The fact of the matter is that dating sites allow singles to interact with more people on a given day than they might meet in months or even years of barhopping, so of course they're going to collect more rejections, too. It's a numbers game. The difference is that rejection on a dating site is more obvious because it requires people to be blunter than they would be in person.

If you ignore an email--or, worse, reply with a "no"--you've sent an undeniable message of rejection. However, if you go out to a bar and you're a man, you simply won't approach the women you're not interested in. At the end of the night, those women will go home, and not one of them will think, "Hey, only five guys hit on me, so the other hundred in the bar must think I'm unattractive." If you're a woman approached by a man you're not into, you might make some small talk and then leave for the night with an excuse or a noncommittal "see ya around." Often the guy will massage his ego with the assumption that you were just shy or really did have to get home to feed the abandoned baby porcupines you adopted. On a dating site, however, there's no room to misconstrue a rejection, so naturally you seem to get more of them.

This is not to say that people haven't become overly selective or don't treat their fellow humans like recyclable plastics, but my theory is that this is a widespread phenomenon in contemporary society and is not exclusive to the web. In my experience, most singles I know don't use Internet dating services (and most couples I know didn't, either), and they still reject(ed) and are/were rejected by lots of potential mates. Nevertheless, the immediacy, candor, and volume of the rejections on a dating site can make it a poor choice of stomping grounds for all but the thickest skins.

7. The Internet is a subpar communications forum that fosters a disconnect between single daters. Or so the theory goes. There's no doubt that emails and IMs can't match the richness and complexity of in-person communication. It also may be true that the facelessness of cyberspace depersonalizes people, making it easier for them to be rude, inconsiderate, and dismissive to one another. Some critics go a step further, claiming that Internet dating erodes real-life social skills, although that's stretching it in my book. Most of us still have to interact with colleagues, friends, family, and retailers every day, so we have plenty of opportunities to practice. More threatening than the Internet, I think, is the permissive parenting that teaches kids it's okay to dehumanize each other. The web is simply the field on which these internalized lessons are played out. However, it does seem easier to get away with this on the 'Net, and singles wishing for more personal accountability in their interactions might want to stay away from online dating sites.

8. Yes, Virginia, there really are safety hazards in online dating. Contrary to popular perception, though, they don't usually include psychotic killers. What you're more likely to encounter are dating site scammers, a new breed of criminal who create false personas and lure hopeful, sympathetic singles to send them large sums of money. Also, like any other web site, a dating service is subject to hackers and credit card or identity thieves.

9. The monthly fees of online dating services can add up, and calculating the cost isn't always a straightforward task. Yes, most dating sites allow you unrestricted access for the cost of one dinner date a month. But don't forget that you'll be paying for that access in addition to the dinner dates that you land as a result. Obviously, this is an inequity that tends to fall squarely on the shoulders of the guys. On the other hand, you may never score a date while you keep emptying your wallet to the matchmaking site month after month, and when you finally do, it may lead nowhere.

Furthermore, you may get roped into forking over much more than you estimated. That's because dating sites that charge monthly subscription fees also enforce an autorenewal process, which automatically bills you for another subscription period if you don't take action to resign. (If you only signed up for a free trial, you will automatically be billed for the initial subscription period.) Since this is contrary to most other American subscription-based services, which lapse unless you actively renew, dating sites prey on users' understanding of consumer norms.

Also be aware that although many sites offer discounted packages to those who subscribe for more than one month at a time, unlike true monthly subscriptions, you won't be charged once a month. Instead, you'll be billed in one lump sum, and if you're dissatisfied with some aspect of the service afterward, chances of a refund are slim.

10. Some dating sites are rumored to engage in unethical business practices. For starters, nearly all of them force you to undertake a copious registration process before they disclose their fees. Oftentimes they use ambiguous language to convince you that you'll have free access to services that aren't free at all. More disturbingly, for years members have been accusing online matchmakers of generating fake profiles and emails to lure them in for a bait-and-switch, although such claims are unsubstantiated. Other users have attested that they were charged repeatedly even after resigning. Still others have alleged that some dating services failed to grant promised discounts or refunds. In addition, online dating services are notorious for poor customer service. Often they bury their contact information in remote, inaccessible corners of their web sites or fail to provide live service altogether.

At first glance, there are more cons than pros for joining an online dating service, and you may wonder why anyone would subject themselves to the anxiety, uncertainty, embarrassment, and pain of romance on the web. However, a number of the cons are not applicable to everyone or even to just online dating. Dating anywhere, at any time, is difficult, and some of us will have better experiences than others. Furthermore, for some singles, the pros of online dating sites far outweigh the cons.

Have you ever tried online dating? What are some disadvantages to dating online? Can you share any negative experiences that you've had?

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