Singletude Seeks Rants and Raves

Okay, all you budding writers! Sharpen your pencils and don your thinking caps because this is your chance to flex your literary muscle on Singletude! That's right, for one day, the homepage of Singletude will be your platform to sound off at the world!

Do you have a pet peeve about the single life? Maybe you love your job but want to tear out your prematurely graying hair every time your coworkers skip out early to pick up their kids. Maybe your patience is wearing thin on the scraps of time your coupled friends are feeding you. Maybe you fantasize about advising your nosy aunt to get her proboscis out of your love life and back in her knitting. Nicely, of course. There's no telling what damage she could do with that schnoz.

Or, keeping in mind that this is supposed to be a positive blog, after all, maybe you'd like to share with our international audience, especially those married cynics who can't (or won't) imagine us enjoying ourselves at a chill lounge or comedy club while they're wrestling two tantrum-y tots into bed, what really rocks about being single. Perhaps you'd like to tell us about the new business you started after your last break-up, the exotic vacations you jet off to without worrying about anyone else's schedule, the unbreakable bonds you have with your circle of singleton friends, or even something as seemingly minor as your full nights of dreamless sleep, uninterrupted by someone snoring, tossing and turning, stealing your covers, or shoving you into a remote corner of the bed.

Whether you have a rant or a rave, as long as it's about the single life, you're invited to submit it for possible publication on Singletude and dazzle the readers with the prowess of your pen. Your rant or rave can be long or short, formal or conversational, wickedly humorous or sweetly sincere. My one request is that you write it with a PG or PG-13 audience in mind. I reserve the right to edit submissions for content, clarity, and length, though I will make every effort to leave them as untouched as I can. I'll also include a link to your blog or web page so that people can find out more about you.

If this gets a good response, the rants and raves will become a regular feature, and I may even run a contest for all published submissions. (Yes, that means prizes for you!)

So make a date with your word processor and send the results to Singletude! I look forward to reading your rants and raves!

Singled Out by Bella DePaulo: A Singletude Review

Today I want to introduce you to an eye-opening book that confirms what many of us have suspected about singlehood but lacked the research to prove--yes, we singles are treated like second-class citizens, but we're still some of the happiest, healthiest citizens in the world. Welcome to Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever Afterby Bella DePaulo, Ph.D.

In bookstores across America, self-help manuals instructing supposedly desperate singles to settle a little more and love themselves a little less overflow the shelves. This is not one of them. Singled Out shatters the stereotypes of the forlorn spinster surrounded by cats and the messy bachelor in the midst of dirty laundry and pizza boxes and replaces them with the research-based reality of 87.5 million singles leading richly fulfilling, resilient lives in which marriage is an afterthought if it's a thought at all.

In an effort to raise awareness for the last unrecognized minority in this country, DePaulo coins the term singlism, discrimination based on relationship status, and shows how insidiously pervasive it is. When you're taxed at a higher rate because you're single, when you're denied access to a relative's Social Security or health insurance because yours is the bond of blood, not a marriage certificate, when you bankroll couples' hotel accommodations, car rentals, and gym memberships by paying the full fee as a single person, that's singlism. It pops up in subtler, more personal ways, too--at those parties you're not invited to because your friends "didn't think you'd want to sit around with a bunch of couples," in those alumni newsletters that advertise weddings and births but not professional accomplishments, in those tsks and tuts from family members when you don't bring a sweetheart home for the holidays again this year.

Anticipating the argument that marriage really is our natural state, DePaulo traces the history of the institution as a practical foundation for reproduction and its eventual convergence with the concept of romantic passion in the 18th century. While denying that she is anti-marriage, DePaulo asserts that the marital relationship has only recently been elevated to the pinnacle on which it now reigns, above all other ties of family, friendship, and community. This is an unnatural state, she declares, albeit one that our society has become invested in supporting for reasons detailed in the book. She then lays out ten popular myths about singles, scrutinizes the falsified claims undergirding each one, and systematically demolishes their flimsy pedestals, which can't stand against solid research.

You may be surprised and dismayed at how many of these myths you've unknowingly bought into, even if you're happily single. For instance, most of us singles know that we have a rainbow of interests beyond just dating (Myth #2), can be as hard-working and generous as marrieds (Myth #4), and are far from "alone" (Myth #9), maintaining strong connections with our friends and family.

But did you also know that, despite facing rampant prejudice, which has been proven to contribute to depression, singles and marrieds barely differ in self-reported happiness? On a scale of one to ten, the difference in happiness between singles and marrieds is less than a point. It's even smaller, half a point, when only never-married singles are considered. Furthermore, married individuals were happier from the outset, long before they were married, so we can't conclude that marriage made them happier. On the other hand, we can conclude that financial and health status both predict happiness better than marital status.

Speaking of health, did you know that, regardless of media propaganda to the contrary, marriage actually doesn't convey any longterm health benefits? Men who marry experience a boost in good health around the time of the marriage, and widows and widowers see a dip in health when their spouses die, but within a few years, all of these people are no more or less healthy than they ever were. For never-married singles and married women, there's no change in health status, while those who divorce are healthier than ever once their marriages end.

What about sex? We all know that married people have the most sex, right? Well, no. Cohabiting people do. Okay, but married couples have the most emotionally satisfying sex lives, right? Err, um, not quite. Never-married cohabiting women are more likely to be "extremely emotionally satisfied" with their sex lives than are married women. As for men, although more marrieds than singles report high levels of emotional satisfaction, the most emotionally satisfied men are--wait for it--cohabiting divorces. And--oh, dear--guess who complains of the most sexual dysfunction? That would be married men. Moreover, there's no data to compare how sexually active or satisfied any of these individuals were before and after marriage, so, once again, we can't say it was a white dress and a minister that made the difference.

One by one, Singled Out picks apart some of the most lauded, influential studies on marriage and shines a light on their bias toward couples, explaining the tactics they use to obscure confounds in data collection and interpretation. This could be dry, confusing, or intimidating, but DePaulo uses everyday language, real-life anecdotes, and a light, humorous tone to demystify the charts and stats. In fact, even if you have no interest in singles issues, this book is worth the read simply as a layperson's crash course in experimental analysis, after which you may forever view pop science headlines with a more critical eye.

A brief summary of the myths DePaulo addresses and refutes wouldn't do justice to Singled Out, which teems with truths about the single life that will by turns amaze, appall, and encourage you. However, suffice it to say that by the time you've read it, any stereotypes you've clung to about such maligned figures as chronic bachelors, career women, and single parents will be turned inside out. However, the main thrust of the book, once you perceive the patterns evident in the research, may startle you even more, and no, it's not that the single life is better than marriage. It's that marriage doesn't matter all that much. At the end of the day, whether you take a husband or a wife or a solo trek around the world, your life will probably be about the same. Your experiences will be different, but you'll still be as healthy, happy, and wise as you would've been had you taken the opposite path, maybe even more so.

You see, while finding a spouse doesn't appear to be a transformative event, losing a spouse is. Eventually, recovery is possible, but on numerous measures, those who've always been single fare better, making marriage, at least as it's practiced in the Western world today, a risky proposition. DePaulo suggests that glorification of the nuclear family at the expense of the larger social network guarantees that many couples will wrap themselves in the insular bubble of The Relationship, only to be devastated when the bubble bursts, leaving one or both of them flailing in a sea of strangers. The final chapter presents a vision for the future in which this trauma would be ameliorated by true legal equality, renewed emphasis on extended families and community, and respect for singlehood as a legitimate lifestyle.

If Singled Out has any flaw, it's that it may underestimate the deep-seated desire to couple that many singles have. In one vignette, when someone asks DePaulo why she's never married, she replies, "I love being single...I just love my life…the way it is." Much of the book seems to operate on the assumption that most singles would agree, but the evidence isn't entirely convincing. For instance, the oft-quoted Pew Internet & American Life Project survey does show that 55% of single adults are "not looking for a partner," but that includes the elderly, divorced, and widowed, who may not be eager for a second or third time around. But among adults in the prime marrying years, 18-29, only 38% are "not looking." This is not to say that marriage is preferable to singlehood or that the wish to marry isn't partially fueled by enculturation, but it is a wish shared by a substantial portion of the population, both men and women, and shouldn't be dismissed.

That said, if there is a tendency to minimize the urge to couple, it's a minor complaint in this remarkably clear-eyed, meticulously documented depiction of the single life with all its--pardon the pun--singular challenges and satisfactions. DePaulo is the champion that we singles have awaited to validate the worth of the individual in a "matrimaniacal" culture and advocate for our fair treatment, and Singled Out could be the vehicle for a sea change, a reconstitution of what it means to be single. Read it, enjoy it, learn from it, pass it on to other singles to inspire them and to couples to clue them in. Even with the cards stacked against us, we singles are doing okay. In fact, we're doing better than okay--we're growing, thriving, and living our lives to the fullest. We know it, and now it's time everyone else knew it, too.




Were you surprised to learn about some of the myths discussed above? Have you experienced singlism in your life? If you've read Singled Out, do you have comments on the book?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a book or web site for or about singles that you would like Singletude to review? Contact Elsie!

"The Merry Recluse" by Caroline Knapp: A Singletude Response

A few days ago, I came across this excerpt from Caroline Knapp's book, The Merry Recluse: A Life in Essays, and I wanted to share it with you. Though I haven't yet read the book, you'll find a link to the titular essay in the title of this post.

Singles can generally be divided into two camps, single by choice and single by circumstance. Knapp is most definitely a member of the former. Or perhaps it's more complicated than that.

Maybe there's a bridge category, one which straddles the conscious choice to forge a life on one's own and the land of disorientation and despair that many people dwell in when single against their wishes. The river between is where people like me reside, floating on the tranquil, sparkling surface of contentment even as currents of doubt and regret swirl deep beneath, bubbling up only on dark days when the storms of life threaten to disturb the equilibrium. I liked Knapp's essay so much because reading it was like peering over the edge of my raft into the river and seeing her face reflected back at me; I knew she and I were fording that river together.

Knapp understands that our thoughts on singlehood are like running water--deep, fluid, ever-changing--and much harder for most people to grasp than the solid land they know best. An uncomprehending world expects us to join one of the camps on opposite sides of the river. "People don't live in the water," they effectively say. "Either you're a radical feminista womyn with no use for anything as prosaic as love, or you've already bought a wedding dress a la Muriel and foam a little at the mouth every time an eligible bachelor walks by." (With some imagination, you can turn this statement inside out to apply to a single male as well.)

It doesn't occur to them that we who live on the river might, at times, be lonely, that we may gaze at the Isle of Couples with curiosity or frank longing to explore there, but that we would rather pass that island by than be shipwrecked there with someone we don't love. They don't understand that we are peaceful and even joyful singles, happy in our eccentricities, thankful for the uninterrupted time to devote to our own projects, the freedom to make our own decisions, and the opportunity to pursue our own whims, and that we must weigh these advantages in the balance before we consider sacrificing them to someone else. They aren't aware that, nevertheless, we always keep an empty seat in the boat just in case we should encounter that one person who would make it worthwhile.

Knapp knows all these things, so if you recognize yourself as a river rafter--or are just curious about what it's like to be one--give her a read.




Are you a river rafter? If so, do you feel misunderstood by the rest of the world? What's your response to Knapp's article?


Fun Link of the Day

Ten Reasons to Be Happy You're Single

1. Sure, you have to clean up after yourself, but you don't have to clean up after anyone else. Unless you're a single parent, in which case you have to clean up after the kids, but at least you don't have to clean up after their mother or father, too.

2. If you don't clean up after yourself, there's no one to nag you about it.

3. You don't have to okay your plans with anyone. Wanna waste ten bucks on a James McAvoy tearjerker so you can ogle Jamey boy shirtless? Go for it. Rather stay home with a beer and chips and watch the Patriots game? That's your call, too. And no one's going to make you feel like a loser for it.

4. Flirting with that gorgeous blonde at the bar isn't cheating.

5. You can climb the career ladder faster when there's no one asking you to slow down and spend more time at home. Don't want to run in the rat race? Fine. There's no one expecting you to keep your shared bank account filled to the brim.

6. If you want a change of scene, pick up and move across the state border. Not far enough? How 'bout cross-country? Or the other side of the Atlantic? As a single, you have that option. It's a lot harder to do with a family in tow. Conversely, you'll never have to pick up and leave a life you love for someone else's career opportunities.

7. No in-laws. Not even friends you have to make nicey-nicey with.

8. No drama. No emotions spiraling out of control every time he or she forgets your birthday or goes out to lunch with an ex or criticizes your taste in music. Your life is calm, and your moods are even.

9. More time for your friends and family. No arguments about where to spend Christmas this year, no guilt trips about girls' or guys' night out.

10. The possibilities. Once you have a family, everything you do, every decision you make, revolves around them. Your life is not your own. When you're single, the possibilities are endless. You can take up snorkeling off the coast of Vanua Levu, open your own singing telegram business, write a book about writing books. You're free to pursue any path your heart desires, and what's more, you don't yet know where that path will lead, so you can look forward to the adventure of finding out.


What reasons do you have to be happy you're single?


Fun Link of the Day

Welcome to Singletude

Welcome to Singletude! This blog aims to keep its chin up in a world that often looks down on those who are unmarried, either by choice or by circumstance. Each day, Singletude will feature a new blog about issues relevant to singles. Although this will include dating and relationships, this is no Sex and the City.

First of all, it's not about me. It's about you.

Here you'll find no self-indulgent diary entries inspired by my own navel (cute though it may be, even I get tired of looking at it), no emo lyrics masquerading as posts, and no "Page Six" reports on Elsie's adventures in dating. You will find useful links, news, discussions, and advice pertinent to your independent lifestyle, and, hopefully, you will find the occasional chuckle.

Second, although Singletude addresses the difficulties of life on your own in a society that glamorizes romance and incentivizes marriage, the focus here isn't on how you can make it through another miserable night of consulting the dog about what to watch on TV. "Singletude" is the mindset that you don't have to have an "other" to be significant. It's the attitude that you are a complete, worthwhile individual, whether or not you have a band on your ring finger. This blog encourages you to pursue your dreams, advance your interests, protect your rights, and explore your options as a person, not just as somebody's partner.

On the other hand, Singletude isn't a platform for manhaters, female bashers, and others who've swallowed too many sour grapes and cast off all human contact to buy a little house in Hermitville. On the contrary, I'm convinced that relationships are the building blocks of our well-being, and this blog promotes them. However, Singletude also acknowledges that romantic relationships aren't the only bonds which can meet our healthy needs for interaction and that, in fact, other kinds of relationships are sadly undervalued in today's social climate.

But, when and if you do enter a romantic commitment, "singletude" is the philosophy that a couple should be comprised of two unique people, not a collective Borg hivemind or the Bobbsey Twins. To that end, in short-term arrangements and serious relationships alike, Singletude advocates a thoughtful approach to dating in which both members of a couple treat each other's feelings and beliefs with respect and consideration. This is, above all, a humanistic blog, one which asserts that all people, male or female, married, dating, or just friends, have a responsibility to deal with each other sincerely and compassionately. Singletude celebrates the potential that people have, as social creatures, to change each other's lives and recognizes that we can use that power for our betterment or our detriment.

I'll also be answering reader questions and publishing your rants and raves about any aspect of singlehood that's on your mind, so please submit yours for consideration. Feel free to send suggestions for future blog topics, as well. I look forward to hearing from you!