Housebound and Single = Home Alone?, Part II

In "Housebound and Single = Home Alone?, Part I," we introduced "Marie," who has spent years trying to sustain a social life despite an existence that is largely confined to the boundaries of her home. She's looking for ideas to help her stay connected to those she cares about as well as to help her find new friends.

The housebound lifestyle is still something I'm figuring out for myself since I was diagnosed last October with a chronic illness that limits my mobility, and, unfortunately, information on the social aspect of housebound living isn't prevalent. However, I'll gladly share what has worked for me and others I've known in hopes that someone will benefit. If anyone out there is also housebound and single, please feel free to contribute your own suggestions to the discussion!



Maintaining Existing Friendships


1. Open up to your friends and family.

Just because someone cares about you doesn't mean they understand what it's like to be you or that they know what you want and need all the time. A lot of younger people have never known a peer who was housebound and may not be sure how to respond. They may assume that you're not well enough for visits or lengthy conversations. They may worry about saying the wrong thing or unintentionally making you feel bad by talking about their busy lives, which you can't participate in.

If they haven't been in touch as much since you've become housebound, make sure your friends and family know that you miss them and want to hear from them. For instance, you could say, "I know it might seem like I wouldn't be interested in ________ [whatever things you can't do anymore], but I'm relying on you to keep me informed. I love hearing about it, and I want to know everything! Hearing your stories is as good as being there."

Be upfront about your limitations, too; no one understands them like you do. Don't leave your friends guessing about what you can and can't do. If you can't handle visitors but can talk on the phone, let them know. If you get too tired to talk for two hours but can talk for one, let them know that, too.


2. Make technology work for you.

If you can't see friends and family in person, be creative. For all the flak that texters and tweeters get, we're incredibly blessed to have such convenient methods of communication at our fingertips. So when you don't have the energy for in-person visits, pick up your PDA and put technology to work for you. From Facebook updates to blog posts, you have a wealth of options for keeping current with the people you care about from the comfort of your own home.

Do you miss the immediacy of face-to-face conversation? Download Skype or similar free VOIP software, order a headset with microphone and a webcam, and your callers will be able to see every smile, nod, shrug, and wink on their monitors. (Yes, that means you have to change out of your favorite Buzz Lightyear pajamas before they call!) If your friends and fam don't have webcams, they make great birthday or holiday gifts.


3. Check your own attitude.

When you talk to your friends, does the conversation revolve around how much it sucks to be sick or hurt? Do you hit them over the head with a litany of complaints? Underneath it all, are you envious that your friends are healthy, and might that attitude be sneaking into your conversation? Chronic pain is a heavy burden to bear physically and emotionally, and you should be able to complain about it sometimes. But many people have a hard time dealing with a constant barrage of negativity, which makes them feel sad, helpless, and even guilty. So try not to contact your healthy friends when you're at your worst and save the gory details for your doctor, therapist, and support group (see 3. under "Building New Friendships" below).



Building New Friendships


1. Seek out other survivors.

Even though Marie has had a hard time finding new friends, her strongest friendship right now seems to be with another survivor of serious illness. As Marie notes, the beauty of the Internet is that it brings together virtually people who can't be together physically. Lots of communities have real-life support groups for people suffering from specific illnesses or injuries (ask your doctor for a referral), but if you aren't able to leave the house for even a limited time, an online support group is the next best thing. If you're suffering from a relatively rare disorder, the Internet might even be the best thing.

Some people who haven't ever been part of an online message board or mailing list may be dismissive of friendships formed this way, but those who've participated in groups like this know that they can provide tremendous reserves of inspiration, empathy, caring, and even humor. Friendships established through this medium, especially those that continue via email, IM, phone, and, eventually, in-person meetings, can be just as deep as friendships that form in the "real world," if not more so. Why? Because other people in a support group understand what you're going through since they have the same concerns. They're likely to be more interested in your progress, more tolerant of your limitations, and more open to developing friendships because they're in the same boat with you, experiencing the same hardships.

To find the right online support group for you, search Yahoo! Groups, Google Groups, Facebook Groups, Yuku, or any other site that has message boards, email lists, or chat. You might also run a search for web sites dedicated to the illness or injury you're suffering from. Online foundations may include forums. If you don't find what you're looking for, you can start your own group or maybe even your own blog or web site!

Prefer one-on-one interaction? Make friends with Craig--Craigslist, that is--and post an ad for a friend in similar circumstances in the Strictly Platonic section. In addition, lots of free dating sites such as PlentyofFish and OkCupid allow users to search for "pen pals," "friends," or "activity partners" and set their profiles accordingly. You can briefly explain your lifestyle in your profile and specify that you want to find others in the same situation. (If you choose to sign up at a dating site, though, don't be surprised if many of the members you encounter expect "friendship" to be an intermediate step to something more.)


2. Don't forget the 'Net for other interests, too.

Just because you're housebound doesn't mean you have to give up your interests and passions. The Web is a wonderful gathering place to discuss art, entertainment, sports, politics, or whatever else is on your mind. Although you may not find close friends among online communities built around special interests, not all conversation needs to be of the deep, soul-baring variety. In the "real world," most of our interaction is based on light small talk, and we need these kinds of loose relationships as much as we need strongly rooted friendships. The Internet allows housebound singles to continue participating in those broad social circles without setting foot out of the house. Furthermore, because communication isn't in real-time, those who struggle with pain, discomfort, or fatigue are free to respond at their leisure. And perhaps the best thing about the Internet is that it doesn't discriminate. Housebound singles can freely express themselves without worrying that others will perceive them through the filter of their physical problems.

You can find online forums for your hobbies and passions in some of the same places you found forums for the housebound. Also investigate large hub sites devoted to your interest, such as IMDb for movies or Care2 for environmental and social causes. Additionally, many companies, TV and radio stations, and print publications have web sites that encourage commentary and discussion.


3. Find good counsel.

As much as your friends and family want to help, it may be hard for them to understand or cope with the physical and emotional pain that are part of your daily life as a housebound single. A mental health counselor can offer you a sympathetic ear and a safe place to vent your frustration. She or he may also be able to suggest new ways to find social support, keep your current relationships strong, or meet routine challenges more effectively on your own. If you're depressed or anxious as a result of the changes in your lifestyle, a therapist can help you overcome that, too.

In Marie's case, a counselor helped her to accept that she was not at fault for the distance that had grown between her and her friends and introduced her to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which, according to the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science, is "a behavioral intervention to help people learn strategies to live life more in the present, more focused on important values and goals, and less focused on painful thoughts, feelings and experiences."

Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychotherapist who has experience with those who are housebound, or search online at sites like MentalHealth.net, MentalHelp.net, or LocateADoc.com.


4. Enjoy your own company.

As Marie's story illustrates, we can't necessarily change the behavior or reactions of others, but we can always change our own way of thinking. Whether or not you're chronically ill, disabled, or housebound, you probably already know that because it's the key to being happy as a single. Singles with singletude can be content in a coupled world because we've changed our thinking--we no longer believe (if we ever did) that a romantic relationship is the only route to a fulfilling life. When illness or injury strikes, we can use this same attitude to inform how we confront our limitations.

While everyone needs some contact with other people, sometimes we confuse our social needs with the desire to be popular, the obligation to fit in, or the fear of being alone with our own thoughts. The next time you feel lonely, ask yourself if it's because you truly miss and want to interact with certain people or because you're afraid of feeling bored, excluded, abnormal, or "uncool" if you don't take up your place in the social pecking order on Saturday nights. Chances are that, at least some of the time, your "loneliness" will be revealed as insecurity about being alone.

With a newfound awareness of the difference between being a lone individual and a lonely individual, you can use your time by yourself to explore interests and ideas you never knew you had. Before long, you may discover that you like being alone and embracing the opportunities it affords to set your own schedule, choose your own projects, and work, think, plan, relax, or dream undisturbed. There's a lot you can accomplish at home on your own. For examples, see "Top Ten Hobbies for Singles." Many of the activities described can be pursued in your own living room. You might also try writing a list of all the things you can do in your time alone that your friends can't and hang it somewhere you can see it every day.



Socializing remains challenging for singles who are housebound. You can't complete a 12-step program to guarantee that your old friends will stay in touch or order new friends from Amazon. But there are measures you can take to encourage the survival of existing friendships and the growth of new ones. Beyond that, you can embrace the circumstance in which you find yourself as an opportunity instead of a limitation. Most people spend each day racing from place to place, often hassled by thoughtless, uncaring people wherever they go. However, the housebound single has a rare chance to experience a degree of autonomy and peace that others may never know. Remember, your home is your castle. Isn't it nice to live like royalty every day?


Are you housebound and single, or do you know someone who is? If so, what have you done (or what has your acquaintance done) to stay in touch with friends and family or make new friends? Have you (or has your acquaintance) found any new activities that can be enjoyed at home alone? What do you do (or what does your acquaintance do) when loneliness strikes? Has the housebound lifestyle required a mental shift of sorts and, if so, can you describe that process?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have an unpublished rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"! Singletude makes every effort to republish submissions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your submission for length and clarity.

Housebound and Single = Home Alone?, Part I

Awhile ago, "Marie" (name changed for privacy) of Footloose Femails, a Yahoo! group for single women, requested a post about the social consequences of a housebound lifestyle for singles. There are a number of reasons why one might be housebound, most of them involving physical or mental disabilities. Occasionally, people also find themselves spending a lot of time at home when living in a remote location or telecommuting, which can be similar to, though not quite the same as, being truly unable to set foot out the door. When you're single and live alone, the challenges of a housebound lifestyle are compounded. Previously, in "Single in Sickness and in Health: Prepare for Medical Emergencies," Singletude covered some of the steps single individuals can take to prepare physically for long-term health issues that limit mobility. But the emotional consequences of living single and housebound are harder to address, especially when many singles rely on activities outside the home to meet their social needs.

I don't think Marie realized it when she asked, but I've been largely housebound since I developed a long-term illness in September. I'm able to go out, but, for various reasons, going out is not that comfortable or convenient for me, so I don't do it a lot. New Year's Eve was my first night out in quite awhile, and by the time the evening wrapped up, I was starting to feel pretty uncomfortable. I'm already learning ways to cope with my isolated lifestyle, but since I've only lived this way a short time, I don't consider myself that knowledgeable on the subject. So, I knew some research was in order.

My first instinct was to search the Web, where I found a lot of information about navigating the health care system, applying for social security, workman's compensation, or other benefits, and securing one's legal rights via a living will, power of attorney, etc. Unfortunately, this wealth of information didn't extend to solutions for maintaining a healthy social life while housebound, particularly when single. So I put out a call for housebound individuals who live alone to take part in an interview.

I received several responses from housebound singles, who generously sent me emails, blog links, and excerpts from their writing. What emerged was a picture of single people living relatively disconnected lives. It was amazing how soon after the onset of serious illness or injury these individuals saw their friends and loved ones start to drift away! Unfortunately, none of them wished to be interviewed for the blog. That's when I realized that I had overlooked my best source of information, one that had been in front of me all along--Marie! I asked to interview her, and she kindly consented.

For 12 years, Marie, age 43, has suffered from the effects of lymphoma, encephalitis, and a benign brain tumor that have left her housebound with debilitating, chronic pain, fatigue, and memory loss. When she was diagnosed, she was a popular young woman, "very social" with "lots of friends" and a boyfriend she was planning to marry. But the onset of her illness forced her to quit her job, and within two years, the strain of it took a toll on her relationship, which disintegrated. She has since decided to remain single.

Unable to manage the illness entirely on her own, Marie moved back in with her mother, who lives in a separate wing of the house, an arrangement that suits them both. "Life is excruciatingly lonely if you're housebound and living alone--so I'm lucky to have the option of living with mum," she says. However, Marie rarely sees friends--once every two or three months, at best. For two years after she became ill, she could still manage afternoons out, but this diminished to a two-hour maximum after another three years, and now she only leaves the house for short daily walks, medical appointments, occasional visits to her brother, and once-in-a-blue-moon shopping trips. If her friends want to see her, they have to make the effort to come to her, and most have proven unable or unwilling to extend themselves over time.

Another difficulty has been that friends find it hard to relate to her life. Explaining how her social circle has dwindled, Marie says, "At the same time as I got sick my good friends got married, moved, and soon had children--so our lives began to take on a completely different route--that ultimately, drastically, affected the friendship...I have lost all but a handful of friends, and those friendships have lost their 'spark.'" This drifting apart due to dissimilar life circumstances is something that many never-married singles experience, but it is magnified for the housebound, who have little opportunity to interact with more like-minded people and seek out new friends.

Throughout her prolonged illness, Marie's social refuge has been the Internet and, to a lesser extent, sewing circles and writing workshops when she was still reasonably mobile. Yet she has only made one new friend in 12 years, another patient whom she met through an online medical support group. This is now the friend that Marie sees most often. Marie's frustration is palpable when she says, "This is despite making a LOT of effort to make new friends--to find local hobby groups to join and hopefully, in time, to make a friend or two....Being housebound for so long has ruined many of my friendships and I have a regular, if not daily, feeling of 'loneliness' that can be fleeting or last for a few hours." Like the other housebound singles I heard from, Marie has clearly defined the problem but is still searching for a workable solution.

As stated before, I'm still new to the "housebound" lifestyle, which I put in quotes because I'm not nearly as housebound as some, so I'm not sure I have any valuable insight into how to form and maintain friendships in these very special circumstances. But next time, I'll offer some suggestions based on what I've heard from Marie and the other housebound singles who responded to my request, as well as on my own ideas, some of which I've already started to implement. Whether you're a single who's technically housebound or just isolated from your friends and family for some other reason, perhaps these ideas will be useful.


Are you housebound and single, or do you know someone who is? If so, has loneliness been a problem? Have friends and family withdrawn since you or your acquaintance became housebound? Has it been hard to establish new friendships or relationships?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have an unpublished rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"! Singletude makes every effort to republish submissions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your submission for length and clarity.

Single, Not Alone for the Holidays

The holiday break is over, and Singletude is back! All of you readers, both those who visit frequently and those who stop by, er, once in a blue moon are wished the very best of everything, including heaps of peace, joy, and (not necessarily romantic) love in 2010! Before Singletude settles back into its weekly routine, I want to share some post-holiday thoughts.

The holiday season is rightly noted as a time of year when singles are particularly susceptible to loneliness. Although we don't all want to be coupled, most of us want to be included, and some of us find ourselves subtly or not so subtly butted out of family circles composed of arm-linked couples. Others are welcomed into the circle only to be shoved to the center, where we're grilled about our personal choices. Still others have no issues with family but are bombarded with depressing media images and couplecentric rituals that suggest singles are not high on Santa's list. And, of course, some single people do want to be in relationships and find the relentless focus on mistletoe and diamond rings that much harder to bear.

In short, it's easy to feel alone as a single. But being single doesn't mean you are alone. This hit home for me this New Year's Eve.

In the past, New Year's Eve for me was very much a date night, often marking the start of a relationship (no pressure there) or a romantic high note in a longstanding relationship. This was one of less than a handful of years that I spent it without a date or even the semblance of a date. My companions were a female friend, dating but single (we'll call her Gwen), and a very cool married couple (let's call them Nicole and Mike). As everyone knows, if you're not paired for the holidays, at no time is this more apparent than during the torturous tradition of ringing in the new year with a great big lip smack at the stroke of midnight. (In this era of swine flu, can't we just call an end to this unhygienic nonsense? ;)) Even though it's my choice to be single, and I don't usually feel lonely, this moment has a way of making me feel like a one-bladed scissor, a single chopstick, or a sole shoelace--conspicuous, useless, and, above all, alone.

So it was a pleasant surprise when the ball dropped and instead of feeling like an appendage, I was part of the circle as we all clinked glasses and exchanged hugs. Then we did something I've never done before. We ran up to the roof and, hearing another roof party down the block, called out our New Year's wishes to these strangers. There was a pause, and then we heard the answering cry, "Happy New Year!" We peered over the lighted rooftop railing and watched as passersby on the street below trickled out of their apartments to greet the first night of 2010 or headed back in after an evening of celebration, and every time one of them passed, we yelled out, "Hey! Girl with the dog! Guy in the hat! Look up! Happy New Year!" At first with confusion, then with dawning amusement, the pedestrians would look around, spot us, grin, and wave back.

Emboldened, we tromped down the stairs and, led by the vivacious Nicole, embarked on a mission to spread as much cheer as we could in one night. Our quota, Nicole decided, was to greet 30 strangers, but before we collapsed back at Gwen's place, I'm sure we had wished half of Soho and much of Nolita all the best in 2010. Everyone, absolutely everyone we passed, got a New Year's greeting. We gave a hearty "Happy New Year" to gangs of college kids, who whooped and high-fived us back; to glittering girls in pairs, who smiled shyly; to roving men, still dressed for work on Wall Street, who winked and raised their eyebrows; to young couples kissing on the sidewalk, who returned our good wishes so they could return to making out; to old couples, walking hand in hand, surprised and delighted that some of us "young folks" hadn't forgotten how to be neighborly; to foreigners in furs, who answered in incomprehensible accents; to hobos in doorways, whose eyes lit with pleasure to be seen and heard; to the revelers in restaurant windows, who raised their glasses; to the guy at the hotdog stand and the crew working late at Starbucks, who broke into grins on this holiday they had thought they would have to sit out; and to single people by themselves, walking their dogs in little plaid coats or rushing off to meet friends or just going home to their dark apartments after a long night, not necessarily expecting anyone to notice them, to care who they were or where they were going.

It was fascinating and heartwarming, in a way, to observe the reactions we got, especially from the other singles, some of whom would glance at us in surprise and perhaps mistrust before smiling in spite of themselves and returning the greeting. Others, sensing kindred spirits, were ready with ear-to-ear grins and boisterous good wishes of their own. That night, I realized that I wasn't alone, and neither were they. We were all in this together, hurtling toward a future none of us could foresee but were hopeful for nonetheless. This was shared human experience that transcended the temporal bonds of marriage or even blood kinship.

In 2010, I want to carry this revelation with me, that life should be about extending ourselves to others in recognition of our common human condition, not organizing our interactions around the artificial boundaries of marriage and the nuclear family. I want to remember that I am single, but I am not alone. I am in this world with millions of other people with the same desires, the same fears, the same struggles, the same satisfactions. When we can all learn that what unites us by birth is more important than manufactured titles that divide, it will indeed be a happy, new year.


As a single, do you feel alone during the holidays? If so, how do you cope with that feeling? Do you believe that single people are automatically alone? Why or why not? Can you share a holiday experience (or any experience) in which you realized that being single didn't have to mean being alone?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have an unpublished rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"! Singletude makes every effort to republish submissions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your submission for length and clarity.

Single and Lonely in Times of Transition?

Today's post is in answer to a special request from a special single blogger--Special K, PhD, who writes The Special K Treatment, a blog about living healthy in mind, body, and soul. Special K recently took on a task that demands a heaping dose of singletude. She moved across an ocean to another country all by herself. Though she had a job lined up, she didn't have a place to live when she arrived, and, to my knowledge, she doesn't speak the language. (Even though a lot of people speak English in this country, it must be disorienting when you can't read the street signs or understand the morning news.) Although K will surely adjust to her new environment and thrive in it, she found herself feeling lonely in the interim and asked for a post about why we feel alone during major life transitions.

In K's case, loneliness is a natural reaction to leaving family and friends 6,000 miles behind. But even when surrounded by loved ones, the transition to a new residence, a new job, or, in my case, a new lifestyle based around a long-term health problem, can trigger loneliness because we're out of sync with those around us. They cannot share in our experience. We're jolted by the reminder that no matter how closely others may follow us, they really can't walk a mile in our shoes. No two bodies can occupy the same space at the same time, and that applies to a life trajectory as well. When this trajectory diverges far from those around us, it becomes painfully obvious that, at the end of the day, we're on this journey alone.

As singles, however, we may be better equipped than couples for the loneliness of these transitions. One of the mythical promises of marriage is that those who pair up for the long haul will never be lonely again. So when upheavals in our lives force us to go to places, physical or mental, where no one can accompany us, it may be especially difficult for people in relationships to face that their marital vows or other commitments can't save them from those desolate moments. We singles, on the other hand, aren't deluded by the fantasy that we'll never have to confront challenges or adapt to changes alone. We're accustomed to self-reliance, which is undoubtedly an advantage when you are your only constant in a shifting world.

Another reason that transitions may rattle us is that many of us are creatures of habit. We grow attached to our routines, our familiar settings, and depend on them for security. To an extent, we define ourselves in relation to them. That's why we personalize our offices, our cars, our dorm rooms with things that remind us who we are--photos, awards or degrees, toys and gadgets, art, souvenirs. Transitional periods are likely to disrupt our rituals and remove us from our customary habitats. The loneliness we feel in these circumstances is a longing for the familiar and, by extension, for the sense of self that depends on the familiar. The chaos of change touches a chord at the very center of one's being, that center in which we wonder who we are apart from the identity reflected back to us by the environment we've carefully constructed.

Once again, I believe singles may be better prepared than marrieds to wrestle with this sense of isolation. For one thing, many of us are young, and change is a way of life. We get a lot of practice with transition as we graduate high school and then college, move away from our hometowns, and start our careers. In the early years of adulthood, we may start over multiple times. More importantly, though, a single person may be more apt to develop a strong sense of self that resides within because the single adult doesn't lose him or herself in a romantic partner or depend on a partner to reflect the self. Therefore, when significant transitions threaten to isolate us from everything that identity is grounded in, the single's robust sense of self can more easily weather the storm.

Above all, we should remember that loneliness is based on perception. There's no magic neighborhood we can live in, no magic club we can join, no magic number of friends we can make, not even a magic relationship we can find that will banish loneliness from our lives forever and ever. If loneliness really was rooted in whether or not we had these things, single people would be a lot lonelier than married couples. Yet we know that they are not. (See The Handbook of Marriage and the Family and Singled Out for evidence.)

Similarly, the loneliness we experience during transitional states is just that--transitional--springing from subjective feelings of disconnection rather than actual isolation most of the time. As uncomfortable as it can be, it is a chance to evaluate who we are at the core, without the crutch of the familiar to prop us up, an opportunity to reinvent ourselves unfettered by the expectations imposed on us by our daily milieu. Eventually, we cultivate new patterns, new norms, new cynosures by which we recognize ourselves, and we are not lonely in our own company once again.


Have you ever been through a major life transition that left you feeling lonely? Why do you think you felt lonely during this time? If you were single then, do you think your singleness made you feel more lonely or less lonely? How did you respond to the loneliness? What advice would you give to other singles who feel lonely during transitional periods?


Fun Link of the Day






Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have an unpublished rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"! Singletude makes every effort to republish submissions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your submission for length and clarity.

"Anderson Woman Married 23 Times" by Konrad Marshall: A Singletude Response

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled blog posting to announce that Singletude has identified the first ever anti-singletude poster child, Linda Lou Wolfe of Anderson, IN, as reported by Konrad Marshall in an Indystar.com article, "Anderson Woman Married 23 Times."

Wolfe, who was born Linda Lou Taylor and is now 68, holds the Guinness world record for the most marriages of any female in a single lifetime. Her former husbands, apparently chosen for their aptitude to quickly and effectively end marriages, include a convict, a homeless man, and two who weren't even straight.

Perhaps desperate to wipe her slate clean in the eyes of God, Taylor Scott Street Smith Moyer Massie McMillan Berisford Chandler Essex, etc. married a Baptist minister, Glynn "Scotty" Wolfe, the male record holder for most marriages, becoming wife number 29. It seems the man of the cloth married so often to avoid the sin of premarital sex. His final marriage to Taylor, etc., a publicity stunt that never paid off, ended when he passed away shortly before their first anniversary.

Good thing he wasn't Muslim. He already got his share of virgins.

Wolfe advises singles to "just get married the once and stay married. I have not had a bed of roses, believe me." That is very true. Instead, she got cheated on, choked, beaten, and padlocked in a refrigerator by her dear hubbies. Nevertheless, she says, "I would get married again because, you know, it gets lonely."

I understand. I too get lonely when a man hasn't padlocked me in a refrigerator in awhile.

Seriously, if there was ever a person totally and utterly lacking in singletude, this must be it. One wonders what would happen to her if she let herself be single for a day. Would she explode like a piece of wedding cake smashed in a young bride's face? Would she melt like a groom's perspiring brow? Wolfe must've feared so. Why else would she have rushed 23 men to the altar--that's an average of one man almost every two years since she started her wedding spree at 16--even marrying one guy three times? (You know, after two times, you gotta figure something isn't working.)

Singletude readers, I don't think I even have to tell you to do as Wolfe says, not as she does. Marriage can be a celebration of a loving union between two people, or it can be a prop for someone who can't stand on his or her own two legs. It's a commitment that two individuals should enter into because they want to live their lives side by side, not because either of them won't have a life without the other. And those vows should be made thoughtfully and carefully, with the intention of fulfilling them, not with divorceonline.com already in your bookmarks.

To people like Wolfe, I say if you can't marry for the right reasons, then don't marry at all. And mere "loneliness" is not a good enough reason! There are plenty of social organizations you can join to combat that, and none of them require a lawyer when you part ways with them. This woman needs a bumper sticker that says, "Reckless Marriages Destroy Lives."

Whew! Okay, I've said my piece. Or peace. Speak now, dear readers, or forever hold it. What do you think about Wolfe's 23 marriages? Do you think loneliness in itself is a good enough reason to marry? What do you think are good reasons to marry? How do you know when someone is the right one?

"Alone Together" by Jennifer Senior: A Singletude Response

On November 23, "Alone Together" was the cover story of New York Magazine. Since I love it when the mainstream media addresses singles issues, I dashed over here to tell you about it. Unlike those brief pop newsflashes with their useless trivia ("4 of 5 Single Women Say they Want to Get Married,"anyone?), this article has heft and meat, even if I got the sense that a few of the marital stats used to dress up this hearty fare had passed their expiration date. Overall, though, the article takes an in-depth look at living single in the country's most populated metro center and, in the end, reaffirms it as a natural and healthy condition.

The fact that singles now live alone in one of every two New York City apartments prompted writer Jennifer Senior to question the stereotype of the lonely, isolated cat lady. In the process, although she trots out the same overblown Waite and Gallagher statistics about how much happier and healthier married people are (see my review of Dr. Bella DePaulo's Singled Out to better understand how this data is manipulated to support an agenda), she ultimately uncovers the truth that has quietly shaped half the American population--that social health is about depth and variety of connection, not marriage. And due to that finding, it should come as no surprise that, despite their tough veneer, cities are often the most fertile grounds for establishing and maintaining all-important social networks. Here are some of the article's highlights:

*Even though people are more likely to live alone in urban environments as opposed to less populated areas, city dwellers are less likely to feel lonely.
*Singles feel more connected when surrounded by other singles and are therefore less likely to be lonely in the city than out in the 'burbs.
*The unhappily married feel lonely as often as or more often than singles.
*A large network of close friends and acquaintances increases happiness and health as much as a good marriage. Urbanites tend to have more friends.
*Singles tend to have more friends and leave home to socialize more frequently than couples.
*Intimate friendships aren't the only benchmark of emotional health. Casual acquaintances (i.e., friends of friends) and colleagues increase our sense of well-being, too.
*The Internet communication that so many in the young single generation favor, long vilified for its propensity to isolate, is, in fact, a valuable means of socialization.
*Living alone in itself may provide personal satisfaction due to its association with maturity, independence, and achievement.

Senior fleshes out these claims with research evidence, expert interviews, and some editorializing that seems mostly on the mark and singles-friendly. She also raises a point that resonated with me and might with you, too. Specifically, if you are among the millions of professional singles who never step off the workaday treadmill, you may be particularly vulnerable to loneliness because your--pardon the pun--single-minded attention to work may preclude developing social contacts. I have to admit right about now I'm hearing strains of "People who need people/Are the luckiest people in the world..."

Now I know there are some critics who will be offended by the article's unabashed crushing on NYC and cities in general. In its defense, when I lived in a semi-rural area, I did feel more lonely than I do now, although I suspect that was due more to a difference of perception than actual hours spent socializing. Still, the potential for connection, as desired, that teems right outside my door in a big city is itself a comfort that I didn't have in a small town, and perhaps that sense of connectedness is almost as important as time spent in the presence of others. Nevertheless, while cities may be hotbeds for happening singles, the most important factor in your social success is how dedicated you are to cultivating connections. Even in a city as enormous as New York, like Senior, I am easily isolated by my work if I don't consciously make time for family, friends, dating, and outside activities.

In any event, I am pleased to see a high-profile magazine put a mostly positive spin on singlehood, confronting the myth of loneliness head-on and discrediting it. I observe so many writers purporting to do the same, who instead end up infusing their articles with nagging doubts about whether all those seemingly happy singles are really just donning a brave facade, intentionally hoodwinking traditionalists, or disconnecting from their true emotions. Senior takes the opposite approach, addressing prejudices right away and dispelling them. Whether you're a denizen of Greenwich Village or the plains of Wyoming, I encourage you to read this portrait of the coming era for singles.


What do you think about Senior's assertions in "Alone Together"? If you live alone, do you feel lonely? Do you think any loneliness that you feel is either ameliorated or exacerbated by the size of the town or city in which you live? Do you think you spend more time socializing and have more acquaintances than your coupled friends do? Do you find your social network as emotionally satisfying as a romantic relationship?


Fun Link of the Day


(This is your reference point for the dubious marital stats.)




Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have a rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a Singletude Q&A or your rant or rave in a Singletude Sound-off!

Pets for Singles, Part II

So maybe you're not into the "I'm gonna get a dog or cat cuz everyone else is doing it" mentality. Or maybe you've just never looked into nontraditional pets.

Well, now's your chance. Singletude presents a list of "alternapets" for the discriminating single:


1. Lagomorphs (Rabbits) and Rodents (Guinea Pigs, Gerbils, & Hamsters)

If an animal is not a pet to you if you can't, well, pet it, but you don't have time to be as involved with it as a dog or cat, consider a rabbit, guinea pig, gerbil, or hamster. Rabbits and guinea pigs, in particular, are a delight to the fingertips, although only guinea pigs will let you hold them for any length of time.

All of the above animals are conveniently housed in indoor cages and are well suited to apartments and other small spaces, although rabbits can be kept in a hutch outside or even housetrained to run free and use a litter box. (If you choose this last option for a rabbit, though, keep in mind that litter-trained rabbits aren’t always as...precise...as cats and may sometimes leave droppings outside the box for your cleaning pleasure.)

Although rabbits and guinea pigs in particular may enjoy interacting with you, they are undemanding pets. They won’t wake you at six in the morning whining to be fed or walked, and in the case of gerbils and hamsters, they can entertain themselves (and you) for hours if you keep their cages stocked with toys. However, you will need to play with them yourself if you want them to be well socialized, and this means supervising them while they’re out of the cage. This can be a joy, though, especially with rabbits, who rival cats in intelligence and will engage you in games of tag and fetch.

Speaking of “cage,” you will also need to clean it regularly, and that can be a daunting task since rodents and lagomorphs are messy animals. Anyone who adopts one should be prepared for this responsibility.

Rabbits, guinea pigs, gerbils, and hamsters have special dietary needs, which can easily be met at your local pet store. But keep in mind, too, that their teeth are constantly growing and, therefore, they will need the rodent equivalent of the everlasting gobstopper to keep them happy. If you don’t continuously supply them with things to chew, they will turn their sizable teeth on whatever is available, and this may include expensive parts of their housing--or yours if you’re not careful.

These animals are also prone to a wide variety of diseases and have fragile health, so monitor them closely. However, they have short life spans naturally–under 10 years–so you won’t be making a lifetime commitment.

In the end, if you choose one of the above pets, you’ll get a luxuriantly touchable, entertaining friend who is content with and without you, freeing you to come and go as you please. And you may have to get out the pooper scooper more often than you’d like, but at least you don’t have to do it outside, rain or shine, in heat waves and in blizzards three times a day.


2. Reptiles (Turtles, Lizards, & Snakes)

Turtles, lizards, and snakes aren’t hands-on pets like their furrier counterparts, so they appeal to pet owners who like to observe more than interact.

Again, if you’re a busy single, you’ll seldom have to interrupt your schedule for reptiles. As long as they have adequate food and water in an appropriate environment, they’ll be content to bask in the rays of the heat lamp all day. That’s not to say that you can’t have fun handling them–in fact, if you want them to remain friendly and comfortable with humans, it’s a must–but they won’t pace for you by the door if you’re out late, and they definitely won’t wake up the neighbors with sounds of excitement when you return.

Many reptiles are stunning to look at due to their bold, brilliant coloration, and, in the case of snakes and some lizards, which eat live prey, their feeding behavior can be fascinating, if not for the faint of heart. And, let’s admit it, there’s a certain coolness factor to owning a reptile.

Don’t be fooled, though. Their needs for interaction may be low, but they are high-maintenance pets. The specialized equipment required for their care, including heat and light sources and, in some cases, filters, is expensive and needs daily fine-tuning to maintain the right temperature, humidity, and brightness for the animal’s health. Reptiles are extremely sensitive to disturbances in environmental conditions and can easily sicken if you don’t keep on top of this. Like rodents, they’re also very messy, and they’ll depend on you to clean those top-of-the-line enclosures.

If you have a reptile, make good friends with your veterinarian. Reptiles, particularly snakes and lizards, develop health conditions and behavioral problems at the drop of a hat, so you and the vet may soon be on a first-name basis.

Another issue that arises with reptiles is that they’re natural escape artists. You’ll have to be very careful when securing their aquariums as well as when letting them out to play. They’re attracted to tight, dark spaces from which you might have great difficulty extracting them. Some have been known to scuttle off and disappear, never to be found again...unless they're found under the sofa of a less than thrilled neighbor.

If your heart is set on a reptile, though, don’t get discouraged. Start with a small, preferably vegetarian species, however, one that will take up less room, be easier to care for, and have a relatively short life span in case you realize you’ve made a mistake.


3. Birds (Parrots and Related Species)

If you’re looking for someone else to fill the silence, a bird’s got you covered. Parrots will gladly oblige by talking, squawking, whistling, chirping, and screaming.

Yes, screaming. Parrots are capable of emitting more background noise than you ever wanted, so think very carefully before buying one. With patience and repetition, you can teach them to talk, and when you do, the results are adorable, but these highly social animals never want to end the conversation. If you’re out of sight for even a minute, that’s too long in the parrot’s eyes, and she will probably fuss, which can sound like a flock of crows has just invaded your home. Depending on the temperament of your bird, this can go on from the crack of dawn till bedtime, so assess realistically whether you can live with that. (And if you can, can your neighbors?)

If you work at home or can take your bird with you every day, a parrot might be a wonderful pet for you. If you can’t, your feathered friend is likely to become withdrawn, depressed, and even aggressive. Armed with that beak, an aggressive parrot is not someone you want to confront.

Those jokes about small-bladdered birds are also true. They’re cuddly and outgoing and will literally walk all over you if you let them, but they have a high metabolism and excrete waste every 15-30 minutes. That can really limit a play session. Before you get a bird, consider whether you’re willing to clean up the mess he makes, both in and out of his cage. Remember, if you're single, you're the only one to do it.

Like rodents, parrots are also chewers. Aside from a well-balanced diet that you will be expected to provide, birds need lots of toys to chew on. They also need toys for mental stimulation since they’re among the most intelligent animals kept in captivity.

Unfortunately, the cost of bird plus cage plus food plus toys can add up quickly. It’s not unusual for parrot owners to spend several thousand dollars just to establish their pets. That's a few thousand that many singles don't have.

Finally, if you want a parrot, remember to do your homework on the longevity of the species. Some smaller parrots live 10-15 years, but many have life spans that rival ours and could easily outlive you. Because parrots bond so intensely to their owners, rehoming a parrot is a traumatic experience, sometimes one from which it never recovers, so please don’t adopt a parrot unless you’re absolutely, completely sure that you can dedicate yourself to it for the rest of its life and, perhaps, the rest of yours. When making this judgment, please take into account how your life as a single might unforseeably change due to relocation, different job requirements, or the addition of other people to your family, any of which might make it difficult to take care of a bird.

If I sound negative towards would-be parrot owners, it’s only because parrots are among the most frequently returned pets, yet they’re the ones who can least afford it emotionally. Each year, thousands of abused and neglected parrots are rescued from owners who promised to care for them but lacked the resources to follow through, especially in the face of their notoriously willful behavior.

If you are that special single who wants a bird to be your "other half," a close, childlike companion you can baby and share your life with, then a parrot may be for you. When they’re well cared for, they’re breathtakingly beautiful, wickedly intelligent, insanely fun clowns. But if you want a good relationship with a parrot, you’ll have to earn it.


4. Fish

Here, at last, is the perfect “alternapet” for singles. They can accommodate any size dwelling (as long as you don’t get a dozen sand sharks, of course), they’re not noisemakers, they’re low-maintenance (daily feedings and a good filter should do the trick), and forget low social needs–they have no social needs. About the only work you need to do is choose a handful of compatible fish, buy a tank, and monitor the water quality from time to time.

On the flip side, for many people, especially those who live alone, an inseparable part of pet ownership is interaction, which is the very thing fish can’t provide.

They’re among the most stunning pets to look at, though, and if you need to calm down after a trying day, there’s no better way than to watch a tapestry of fins swaying hypnotically back and forth, back and forth, among the coral and algae in a miniature sea.


If you're single, have you found it helpful to have a pet? What kinds of "animal companions" have you had? Which ones would you recommend to other singles?


Fun Link of the Day

Pets for Singles, Part I

No matter how full your days as a single, if you live alone, there are still nights when the sound of your iPod isn't enough to fill the silence.

When singles get lonely, some of them rush out and return with the first member of the opposite sex who doesn't smell like something stuck to a bathroom stall.

Singletude doesn't endorse this option. Instead, Singletude recommends making a lifelong commitment to someone you will feed, pay medical bills for, and give up your bed to, who will never ask you why you two don't talk anymore.

A pet.

(No, that is not what spouses are for! Jeez!)

I mean an animal that can be classified in the canine or feline families! Or, if you're more adventurous, a psittacid, leporid, or cyprinid. Animal companions can provide you with affection, entertainment, protection, and even health benefits. That's right--owning a pet can lower your blood pressure and cholesterol level, decrease your risk of depression, and increase your overall health.

Today and tomorrow, Singletude presents reviews of common household pets with the needs of singles in mind.


1. Dogs

No list of pets would be complete without "man's best friend." One of the first domesticated species, dogs have been our allies for centuries. As pack animals, they're especially suited to the hierarchical, cooperative nature of human society. While their temperaments vary greatly by breed, most dogs are affectionate, protective, loyal, and playful. The soft, plushy coats don't hurt, either, especially when you need a hug after a disappointing day.

Singles who struggle with loneliness will appreciate a devoted dog who trots eagerly alongside from room to room and snuggles close at night. Those who feel vulnerable living alone will also find peace of mind with a furry bodyguard at their feet. And, as an added benefit for the busy single, a puppy who wants to play fetch or tug-of-war will give you an undeniable excuse to exercise.

Dogs are relatively low-maintenance. They require two or three meals a day and about as many walks, so working singles won't find it difficult to fit Lassie or Fido into their work schedules. Alternatively, when you're out, you can keep your dog on a run, in a fenced-in yard, or, if he's small enough, in a cage of appropriate dimensions. However, walking a dog may open opportunities to connect with other dog lovers, so singles who are lonely or isolated may want to block in time to take a stroll through the park.

Since two dog breeds can be almost as different from each other as two separate species, make sure you do your research before you pick your pet. Some dogs need more space, attention, or training than many singles can provide. If your dog is miserable, she'll really let you know about it through incessant barking, chewed furniture, or offensively scented "gifts" in inappropriate places. Do what's best for both of you and get a dog that's compatible with your lifestyle. When you find the right match, you'll have found a friend for life.


2. Cats

Cats have a reputation for antisocial behavior, but cat lovers know this is just independence. (Many of us singles can certainly relate!) Ranging from about 5 to 20 lbs., cats are smaller than most dogs and are less demanding, which may be why they've now surpassed dogs as the most popular pet in the nation.

Though they still need to be fed at least twice a day, supervised walks are unnecessary. Primarily outdoor and indoor/outdoor cats can take care of business by themselves, thank you, although it's best to give them an enclosed area unless your neighborhood has little or no traffic and no threat of wild predators. However, many owners opt to keep their pets indoors full-time, with a litter box that is cleaned once or twice a week. Special "clumping" litter and sifting bags have made this arrangement easier than ever. Since cats aren't that active in adulthood and adapt well to small spaces, they don't need time outside to stretch their legs...and the local bird population will thank you.

Cats are unique in that they share many of the advantages of a dog--intelligence, playfulness, good communicative ability, and cuddly, huggable bodies--but not the dependency that can make it hard for singles to go on vacation or even stay out late with a dog at home. Cats can spend hours, even days alone without incident and are well known for conserving their food.

Plus, if you're squeamish about small critters, a cat on patrol can discourage rodents and eliminate quite a few leggy, hairy things better seen in horror flicks than on your bedroom floor.

Singles should be aware, though, that cats can be destructive due to their profuse shedding, frequent vomiting of hairballs, and long, sharp claws, which need regular trimming or rubber nail sheaths if the cat won't reserve them for the scratching post. Cats also delight in mischief, and it's difficult, if not impossible, to discipline them since they have much less motivation than dogs to submit to the will of a superior. Furthermore, some breeds are more sociable than others and can be almost as jealous of your attention as dogs, so choose with care.

However, if you welcome a cat into your home, you will be rewarded with hilarious antics that will occupy you for hours and a warm, purring friend to keep you company on long, cold nights.


Dogs and cats are so common that most people have had some experience with them, and they're often the first animals that come to mind when a single individual is considering a pet. Unfortunately, many people overlook animals that fly under the radar, and that's a shame because such animals can be better suited to the needs and concerns of singles. Tomorrow, we'll feature some of these less traditional pets.


Fun Link of the Day