What NOT to Do in a Social Networking Profile

MySpace. Facebook. Bebo. Xanga. Orkut. Ning.

Like it or not, they've parked their URLs in the World Wide Web, and they're here to stay. Social networking accounts are now as ubiquitous as cell numbers and email addresses. MySpace alone had over 200 million accounts as of September 2007. That's more than half the U.S. population! Chances are you have a profile at one or more social networking sites, and, if you're single, it's probably attracting dates, friends, or friends who will hopefully become dates. That is, if it's not repelling them.

If you've spent any time on a social networking site, you're aware of the most visible dangers of the repulsive profile: Excessive Flash displays have been known to cause blindness and sudden browser failure. Glitter heart comments may induce nausea and vomiting. In some users, bursts of offensively bad music at high volume may permanently damage taste. And those are just some of the visual turn-offs.

If you want your social networking profile to attract the kind of people you'd want to hang out with in real life--nice, normal singles who leave their clothes on when they take pictures and don't need to send you a sparkly Tinkerbell to wish you a happy birthday--you may want to avoid the following profile hazards:



1. Templates For Tots

These are the templates only a first grader could love. They remind one of the results of a primary school coloring contest; every shade known to Crayola is on display. These backgrounds are generally incomplete without clashing patterns that would make a postmodernist painter blush. Adding to the busyness are glittery comments with movable parts, at least one YouTube video, and a profusion of bouncy dividers, icons, smilies, and cursors.

Now before you blast me for censoring anyone's freedom of expression, let me clarify that there's nothing wrong with creating such a profile. Just be aware that the overall effect connotes extreme youth or ADHD. Plus, the longer a profile takes to load, the fewer the people who are going to sit around waiting for it. That is all.


2. Soft Porn Profiles

Is it just me, or does it seem like everyone on MySpace is, was, or wants to be America's Next Topless Model? Again, if you want to rip your shirt off and put your six-pack abs or ample bosom on display, that's your business. But keep in mind that a picture is worth a thousand words, and in this case, the picture says, "I'm looking for sex." So don't be surprised if the kinds of messages and comments you get have a decidedly sexual bent. Moreover, if your profile claims that you're a "nice girl" or "nice guy" who just wants to find another of your kind to settle down with, be aware that, as unfortunately stereotypical as it is, some people you might have been interested in will not believe you; they will believe your scantily clad photos. And not for nothing, as we all know, employers are increasingly turning to the Internet as an additional reference for job candidates, and social networking profiles are notoriously hard to delete.

Perhaps you feel safe because your photos are relatively tame. That's fine, but are your top friends baring it all in their profile photos? Is Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt draped across your wallpaper in next to nothing? Like it or not, everything on your profile is associated with you. It boggles my mind when I see singles advertising for a "sweet, down-to-earth, GOOD man (or woman) for a real relationship" when everyone on their top ten list is shirtless and fancy free. Again, stereotypical or not, visitors will assume that what you want is what you've got--swingin' singles whose poses announce that they're here for flings 'n' things. And be careful of subliminal messages. If you have pictures of your favorite celebrity hotties decorating your page, potential partners may assume that's what you expect of them.


3. I'm Drawing a Blank About Me

Please, please, please don't just stick up a photo and walk away from your profile. There are lots of pretty faces on social networking sites. Members want to know why they should get to know yours. And, no, "I don't know what to write in these things" doesn't cut it. If you care about making personal connections through a social networking site, be personal. You don't have to be a Pulitzer winner, but say a few things about yourself. For starters, try where you're from, what you do for a living, what you do for fun, where you've gone or want to go, and who you hang out with (i.e. family, friends, pets, etc.). If you're witty or eloquent, this is the place to showcase it. The droller the better is usually the rule on social networking sites. Let your bio reflect your personality. Are you sarcastic? Pour it on. Romantic? Post a poem. Optimistic? Share some inspirational quotes.

Don't forget to apply this rule to whoever you'd like to "friend" as well. Millions of profiles take short and sweet to a new level with requests like "I just want a girl/guy who is FUN, HOT, and has NO DRAMA." My immediate reaction to a generalization like this is that the writer must either be a one-dimensional person or doesn't care who responds to the profile since statements that could apply to anyone will attract everyone. That's a turnoff.

Perhaps you do want anyone if you don't intend to establish any permanent relationships from the social networking site. But if you hope to find something lasting, take a moment to consider what attracts you to people and be specific about it. Do you want to find a tennis or jogging partner? A travel companion? Someone who likes the bar and club scene? If you can string together more than two or three words here, you're communicating that you've put some thought into who you'd like to meet, and many singles will react favorably to that. Plus, you'll have a better chance of connecting with someone who's here for the same reasons you are. (Yes, you'll still get spam and messages from smitten singles who never looked beyond your photo, but somewhere in the mix will be responses from people who did.)


4. AllAboutMe.com

On the other hand, this is a social networking bio, not a Match.com profile. The tone and ambience of a social network is different than that of an online dating service, usually lighter and more informal. While it's perfectly normal to see a detailed listing of all your character traits and those of your "ideal partner" on a dating site, the same qualifications can come across as rather desperate or heavy-handed in the casual environment of a social network.

So save the unabridged edition for Yahoo! Personals and cut the details of how many kids you want to have and where you'd go on the perfect date. Instead, make your readers laugh with a few quips about yourself and your outlook on life. Since a social network is a visual space, try to reveal as much as you can through pictures (except, of course, your nether regions; see 2.), the more cleverly captioned the better. The idea is to provide enough of a glimpse into your life to intrigue a casual browser without obviously fishing.


5. Sampler Accounts

These are the everything bagels of the social networking world. These members are here for "friends," "dating," "relationships," "networking," and a bag of chips. Their profile designs are likewise schizophrenic, featuring a bland, basic template for someone whose primary purpose is social or bloody flowers and death metal for someone who's here to promote a catering service.

Singletude advises that you define your objective on a site before you create your profile and restrict it to one sphere, personal or professional. (Better yet, break this down further into one profile for pursuing romantic relationships and another for your circle of friends. Read the fourth point in "Where to Meet Single Friends" for an explanation of why.) Then, construct your profile in accordance with its goal.

A business profile should contain a lot of your work and very little of your personal info and should be clear and easy to navigate. A personal profile is, of course, the place to let loose and express yourself (though hopefully not like a three-year-old; see "1. Templates for Tots" above). If you choose to have a separate profile for dating, this is where you can specify what's important to you in a mate, whereas the profile you use to interact with your friends need waste no time on this. Separate dating and friends-only profiles also allow you to have more control over the distribution of information within your social circle. That is, you can keep your friends abreast of the personal details of your life without making an immediate open book of yourself to potential dates who may or may not become permanent fixtures of your social life.



Ultimately, creating the perfect profile is a matter of taste. But social networking accounts weren't meant to be works of art or repositories of self-expression. They were meant to build networks. That means appealing to other users, who will judge whether your taste is good or bad. Hopefully, the preceding pointers will help you win a favorable judgment from all your friends-to-be.


What are your thoughts on the five profile missteps listed above? Can you think of any other tips for what not to do in a social networking profile?


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Where to Meet Single Friends

Whether you're single or not, friends are an indispensable, though often undervalued, resource in life. A good friend wears many hats--activity partner, entertainer, conversationalist, teacher, cheerleader, counselor, moral support, and, hopefully not too frequently, emergency rescue worker. Like relationships, friendships are both a solace from the harsher edges of the world and an opportunity to grow.

The "singletude" philosophy is that friends are an essential ingredient in life, no matter your marital status. They're a natural life sweetener, if you will. If you're in a relationship, a network of strong friendships prevents you from being suffocated in the cocoon of your nuclear family and provides respite from and perspective on your home life. If you're single, without a spouse or kids to help meet the relational needs we all have, friends are even more important to your emotional well-being.

When you're young, friendships spring up overnight. In the communal environment of the university dorm, you can attract them as easily as cold germs but with much happier consequences! That's because throughout the college years and during your first job, a lot of your peers are both single and transitioning to a new stage in life, so they're especially open to making friends on the journey. However, as you progress into your mid-twenties and beyond, single friends move away or get married and have kids, and whether or not it's the healthiest outcome for you or your friends, many of them become absorbed in their families to the exclusion of old acquaintances.

If you find yourself in this situation, chances are you've taken some lonely bike rides through the park or eaten some meals at a table for one pondering where you could meet new friends. Preferably romantically unattached friends who would have time to devote to the friendship, share your interests and concerns as a single, and not want to give you a play-by-play of Little Suzie's very first web search on her brand new Quad-Core Intel Xeon Mac Pro.

If most of your friends are married, most of their friends are also couples. And unless you work in a profession that draws young, single people, most of your coworkers are married or otherwise coupled, too. The traditional hunting grounds for singles, like bars, clubs, and Yahoo Personals, are for Cupid's arrows only; try to pick up a "friend" here, and he or she will hear "benefits" automatically attached. There's no matchmaking service for singles who want to be matched with friends.

Sometimes you wish you could take a page from Little Suzie and just order a customizable friend--a single-processor unit, please. :) But before you resign yourself to being your own best friend, here are some ways to meet and greet potential pals that might surprise you:



1. Scoop Some Soup

You've probably heard that volunteering is a great way to meet dates. It is. But it's also a great way to meet friends. Whether you're going door to door campaigning for your favorite politician, serving up dinner in a soup kitchen, or manning the lines at a crisis center, you'll be surrounded by people who care about the same things you do. Since volunteers tend to be generous, kind-hearted types, you can trust that your fellow soup scoopers have qualities that will also make them good friends. And even if you don't find a new kindred spirit, you'll have spent your time contributing to a good cause.

If you'd like to get involved in volunteering with other singles, Single Volunteers, Inc. has chapters in 19 states plus Canada and Costa Rica.


2. Get Religion

If you're the churchgoing type, look into activities for singles at your parish, congregation, synagogue, or other spiritual home base. Lots of churches sponsor Bible studies, retreats, volunteer groups, and other organizations just for twenty- and thirtysomethings. Don't be afraid to visit several churches until you find one that has the kind of social environment you'll feel at home in.

If organized religion isn't your thing, there's no time like the present to explore other forms of spirituality. Sign up for a yoga class, join a discussion group on the teachings of Kabbalah, attend a summer solstice celebration. Don't worry if you're an atheist or agnostic. There are communities for you, too. The Unitarian Universalist Church, for instance, is a gathering place for people of all backgrounds and faiths who welcome diversity and have a humanistic outlook.

Whatever your spiritual leanings, practicing them in a group setting will introduce you to other people who share your values and encourage you to get better acquainted. And in the process, you may awaken a whole new side of yourself and crystallize what you believe.


3. Read the Paper

After the Business section, many papers keep a section you probably skip over in your eagerness to get to Sports: the Entertainment or Life & Style section. You'll have to look the other way to avoid enlargements of Nicole Richie's ribs, but between Liz Smith's snark, models walking around in what might be awnings or shag carpets, and funnies that, well, aren't, you may find a calendar of events in your vicinity. This calendar will list local concerts, theatrical performances, art show openings, film screenings, and even the occasional poetry reading. Some of these events will include receptions, lectures, workshops, and discussion groups, which are all venues for connecting with people over that natural conversation starter, a work of bad art.

Seriously, these events are guaranteed to attract people who share your interest in 14th-century French tapestry or the double Eb hypolaxodochrian snood. And they're a lot lower pressure than events intended for singles, where everyone is supposed to latch onto a fellow lover of Van Gogh or Byron by the end of the night or risk bad reviews on your art of flirtation. As with volunteer and spiritual activities, even if you don't exchange numbers with your new best friend, you'll have spent an evening entertained by the astonishing lack of genius all around you.


4. Surf the Web

You knew it was coming. This is a blog, address P.I. (Post ID) 4802653972541191741, Blogspot, World Wide Web. It would be hypocritical for Singletude to belittle the 'Net as a means of widening your social circle. We all know the downfalls of the online medium--the safety issues, the false personas, the lack of real-world chemistry. Nevertheless, the Internet remains the best place to meet people on paths that wouldn't cross your own except by some miracle. Besides, the aforementioned pitfalls of online dating are much less likely to apply when platonic friendship is the goal.

The web is rife with social networking sites, chat rooms, message boards, and other modes of communication. Many people know their way around the web like they know their local mall, but newbies can get overwhelmed faster than pop-up ads can pop. If you're new to surfing, look for online communities with broad appeal like About.com, iVillage, and MSN Groups, which host legions of message boards and mailing lists catering to a full spectrum of interests and tastes. Whether you're a connoisseur of chocolate-covered slugs (yes, the little green-filled kind) or an authority on wave-particle duality, there's a message board where others like you are happily chatting away about Newton and Einstein and how to best dip the antennae to ensure full coverage.

Believe it or not, there are message boards and chat rooms for singles, too. In fact, there are probably more singles communities online than in your nearest metropolitan region. Be aware, though, that these boards and chats are most often geared toward dating, and even if you're outspoken about seeking friends only, you may still be bombarded by messages and IMs from those whose interests are more than platonic. One such board where that is not the case is the free-spirited Quirkyalone, a community of singles who aren't about to change their solitary status anytime soon.

Then there are the social networking sites, which allow you to post a profile and contact other members with similar interests. In the last few years, they've exploded onto the web scene, with MySpace and Facebook leading the pack. Relative old-timers Friendster and Livejournal (which is primarily for blogging but also includes a social networking aspect) have been dethroned as the flavor du jour but are still hanging in there, while newcomers like Bebo, Xanga, and Gather are knocking at the gates. Social networking sites used to be most popular among the 25 and under age group, but as more of them specialize in niche interests, their appeal to older singles is increasing. This Wikipedia list is a reference point for more than 50 social networking sites and the special interests they serve.

As with message boards and chat rooms, if you're single on a social networking site, it's commonly assumed that you're looking for love. If possible, specify that you're seeking friends only and don't respond to members of the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's your orientation) who have checked off "dating" or "relationships" even if they don't initially flirt or ask you out; if they're searching for romance, they'll most likely try to take your friendly encounters to the next level sooner or later. However, if you also have your eyes peeled for relationship material, create a separate profile for dating. This will make it easier to maintain the boundary between budding friendships and blossoming romance.

Finally, there are plenty of offline organizations that advertise or recruit members online. A search for a keyword that interests you like "hiking," "knitting," or "writing" along with "groups" and the name of your city may return home pages of numerous clubs devoted to your hobby as well as retailers and nonprofits that host activities for enthusiasts. Chief among these is the massive Meetup.com, which exists solely to facilitate outings built around common interests. Unlike members of message boards, chat rooms, and social networking sites, participants at Meetup and similar web sites live near you and are actively interested in face-to-face contact, so you'll have a better chance of cultivating friendships.

A word of caution: If your primary interest is friendship, avoid Match.com, Yahoo Personals, American Singles, and those other dating sites like a bad pick-up line. Although most of them let you identify yourself as seeking "friends" or "activity partners" only, these are still dating sites, and the majority are there to date. Thus, a lot of the singles you approach about platonic friendship may not be interested or, worse, will assume you want to be "friends first" in preparation for a relationship. And you can bet that many of the singles who approach you are operating on the same assumption. Since there are so many sites whose primary purpose isn't dating, you should exhaust their resources before you consider a dating site.


So now that you know where to meet single friends, the question becomes how to meet them. It's easy enough to go where singles are, but how do you transition a casual acquaintance to a friendship? Singletude's next post will attempt to answer that without subjecting you to the traumas of small talk, endless emails, or playdates for your kids.

Where have you had luck meeting friends? If you've tried any of the suggestions here, what was your experience with these methods? Do you have any other suggestions for singles seeking new friendships?

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