Singletude Posts Appear at SingleEdition

This just in! SingleEdition, an up-and-coming online lifestyle magazine for singles, will be reprinting a number of Singletude articles, beginning with Crime Safety Tips for Singles from my original post Crime Safety Tips for Singles, Part I.

SingleEdition provides news, feature articles, product reviews, a panel of experts who answer reader questions about everything from fashion to real estate, and interviews with singles like you. Topics are wide-ranging, as is the style and tone since lots of different authors and experts have input. Stop by and ask a question about the practical concerns of single life or get ideas for your Christmas list. And, of course, look for upcoming Singletude posts in the Feature Article section!

Singlism: Examples in the Media

Last time, Singletude ran a review of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After by Bella DePaulo. In the book, DePaulo coins the term singlism to refer to discrimination against singles. Sometimes singlism is blatant and has visible consequences that are keenly felt by those who are unmarried, as with the singles tax penalty, singles travel supplements, or the lower wages paid to singles even when other differences are factored in. Other times, singlism is an attitude, an expectation, white noise in a culture of couples. Just the other day, I saw two examples of the latter form of singlism in the media.

The first was part of this quiz, called "Are You Aging Yourself?" by Gabrielle Linzer at AOL Health. The test informally assesses how your lifestyle might contribute to early aging, honing in on sleep patterns, eating habits, exercise routines, and the like. But then there's this gem of a question:

At the end of the day, you are greeted by:

A. Your loving (occasionally annoying) family
B. You're not home too much
C. A silent, empty house

Guess which choice is right, students. If you circled A., give yourself a gold star. AOL gives you a green check mark next to the "right" answer and red x's next to the "wrong" ones. In explanation, "the benefits of keeping connected" are touted, and a psychologist is quoted warning of the health risks of isolation and loneliness. In summary, "if you aren't graced with a family or someone special," AOL reminds you to hang out with your friends and keep busy with social activities.

Well, okay, but if your life's a social whirlwind, wouldn't it be safe to say that you're probably not home too much? Seems like that was the so-called incorrect answer B. Moreover, just because you live alone (and notice that the only options given are living alone or living with family since no one lives with friends or roommates apparently) doesn't mean you're automatically lonely or isolated. Plenty of singles like living alone and the peace and quiet that come with it. And living alone hardly means they don't have voicemail in their inboxes and options of who to see on a Saturday night. To top it all off, AOL points you in the direction of friends and social organizations only if you aren't "graced" with the real blessings in life--a significant other and kids. Guess I'm one of the unlucky unloved!

And how about this article by MarketWatch reporter Ruth Mantell, which made the Internet rounds last Thursday? The first sentence says it all:

Women have become increasingly vulnerable to job losses during downturns, putting families at greater financial risk during these troubled times, according to a Tuesday report from the Democratic staff of Congress's Joint Economic Committee.

The article goes on to bemoan how difficult it is for families when the second income earner loses her job, leaving no padding for her primary wage earner husband. Excuse me, but shouldn't these families be thankful they have a primary wage earner? The fact is that half of households in this country are headed by singles, which means that half the population doesn't have a fallback to begin with. If a single woman loses her job, she doesn't have any cushion other than her butt when it hits the street. Obviously, the same goes for single men.

Oh, but that's right. I forgot. Singles don't count. Their lives aren't important to the media or the government. Your needs are of no concern unless you're part of a family, which means a husband and a wife, preferably with children.

You see how insidious this stuff is, folks? One article here or there, maybe it doesn't mean a lot. But when you start to compound them, with all their digs, dismissals, and diminishments, they take their toll on how singles are perceived...by others and by themselves. After awhile, you almost don't notice it anymore. Of course couples with kids are healthier than singles, right? Of course families with children are worthy of more economic protection. It becomes taboo to even question the validity of these premises. If you do, you must be selfish or a child hater.

So where is the "positive" in this blog post? It's in who we are. It's in the quality of our lives and our value as productive members of society even when it's not acknowledged by the media. It's in our ability to be shrewd consumers of news who know bias when we see it and don't buy into the popular image of the singleton. The first step to combating singlism is awareness, and that's a positive thing.

You know what? I'm going to challenge everyone who reads this post to write a letter to the editor denouncing singlism the next time you see an example of it in a newspaper, magazine, or other publication. Then come back here and tell me about it, and I'll run an announcement about your letter as soon as it's published. I, too, will accept the challenge and write my own letter to the editor.

It's easy for a single voice to get lost in a crowd of families, but if we raise our voices together, they'll be 89 million strong. Think about it.


Fun Link of the Day

Singled Out by Bella DePaulo: A Singletude Review

Today I want to introduce you to an eye-opening book that confirms what many of us have suspected about singlehood but lacked the research to prove--yes, we singles are treated like second-class citizens, but we're still some of the happiest, healthiest citizens in the world. Welcome to Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever Afterby Bella DePaulo, Ph.D.

In bookstores across America, self-help manuals instructing supposedly desperate singles to settle a little more and love themselves a little less overflow the shelves. This is not one of them. Singled Out shatters the stereotypes of the forlorn spinster surrounded by cats and the messy bachelor in the midst of dirty laundry and pizza boxes and replaces them with the research-based reality of 87.5 million singles leading richly fulfilling, resilient lives in which marriage is an afterthought if it's a thought at all.

In an effort to raise awareness for the last unrecognized minority in this country, DePaulo coins the term singlism, discrimination based on relationship status, and shows how insidiously pervasive it is. When you're taxed at a higher rate because you're single, when you're denied access to a relative's Social Security or health insurance because yours is the bond of blood, not a marriage certificate, when you bankroll couples' hotel accommodations, car rentals, and gym memberships by paying the full fee as a single person, that's singlism. It pops up in subtler, more personal ways, too--at those parties you're not invited to because your friends "didn't think you'd want to sit around with a bunch of couples," in those alumni newsletters that advertise weddings and births but not professional accomplishments, in those tsks and tuts from family members when you don't bring a sweetheart home for the holidays again this year.

Anticipating the argument that marriage really is our natural state, DePaulo traces the history of the institution as a practical foundation for reproduction and its eventual convergence with the concept of romantic passion in the 18th century. While denying that she is anti-marriage, DePaulo asserts that the marital relationship has only recently been elevated to the pinnacle on which it now reigns, above all other ties of family, friendship, and community. This is an unnatural state, she declares, albeit one that our society has become invested in supporting for reasons detailed in the book. She then lays out ten popular myths about singles, scrutinizes the falsified claims undergirding each one, and systematically demolishes their flimsy pedestals, which can't stand against solid research.

You may be surprised and dismayed at how many of these myths you've unknowingly bought into, even if you're happily single. For instance, most of us singles know that we have a rainbow of interests beyond just dating (Myth #2), can be as hard-working and generous as marrieds (Myth #4), and are far from "alone" (Myth #9), maintaining strong connections with our friends and family.

But did you also know that, despite facing rampant prejudice, which has been proven to contribute to depression, singles and marrieds barely differ in self-reported happiness? On a scale of one to ten, the difference in happiness between singles and marrieds is less than a point. It's even smaller, half a point, when only never-married singles are considered. Furthermore, married individuals were happier from the outset, long before they were married, so we can't conclude that marriage made them happier. On the other hand, we can conclude that financial and health status both predict happiness better than marital status.

Speaking of health, did you know that, regardless of media propaganda to the contrary, marriage actually doesn't convey any longterm health benefits? Men who marry experience a boost in good health around the time of the marriage, and widows and widowers see a dip in health when their spouses die, but within a few years, all of these people are no more or less healthy than they ever were. For never-married singles and married women, there's no change in health status, while those who divorce are healthier than ever once their marriages end.

What about sex? We all know that married people have the most sex, right? Well, no. Cohabiting people do. Okay, but married couples have the most emotionally satisfying sex lives, right? Err, um, not quite. Never-married cohabiting women are more likely to be "extremely emotionally satisfied" with their sex lives than are married women. As for men, although more marrieds than singles report high levels of emotional satisfaction, the most emotionally satisfied men are--wait for it--cohabiting divorces. And--oh, dear--guess who complains of the most sexual dysfunction? That would be married men. Moreover, there's no data to compare how sexually active or satisfied any of these individuals were before and after marriage, so, once again, we can't say it was a white dress and a minister that made the difference.

One by one, Singled Out picks apart some of the most lauded, influential studies on marriage and shines a light on their bias toward couples, explaining the tactics they use to obscure confounds in data collection and interpretation. This could be dry, confusing, or intimidating, but DePaulo uses everyday language, real-life anecdotes, and a light, humorous tone to demystify the charts and stats. In fact, even if you have no interest in singles issues, this book is worth the read simply as a layperson's crash course in experimental analysis, after which you may forever view pop science headlines with a more critical eye.

A brief summary of the myths DePaulo addresses and refutes wouldn't do justice to Singled Out, which teems with truths about the single life that will by turns amaze, appall, and encourage you. However, suffice it to say that by the time you've read it, any stereotypes you've clung to about such maligned figures as chronic bachelors, career women, and single parents will be turned inside out. However, the main thrust of the book, once you perceive the patterns evident in the research, may startle you even more, and no, it's not that the single life is better than marriage. It's that marriage doesn't matter all that much. At the end of the day, whether you take a husband or a wife or a solo trek around the world, your life will probably be about the same. Your experiences will be different, but you'll still be as healthy, happy, and wise as you would've been had you taken the opposite path, maybe even more so.

You see, while finding a spouse doesn't appear to be a transformative event, losing a spouse is. Eventually, recovery is possible, but on numerous measures, those who've always been single fare better, making marriage, at least as it's practiced in the Western world today, a risky proposition. DePaulo suggests that glorification of the nuclear family at the expense of the larger social network guarantees that many couples will wrap themselves in the insular bubble of The Relationship, only to be devastated when the bubble bursts, leaving one or both of them flailing in a sea of strangers. The final chapter presents a vision for the future in which this trauma would be ameliorated by true legal equality, renewed emphasis on extended families and community, and respect for singlehood as a legitimate lifestyle.

If Singled Out has any flaw, it's that it may underestimate the deep-seated desire to couple that many singles have. In one vignette, when someone asks DePaulo why she's never married, she replies, "I love being single...I just love my life…the way it is." Much of the book seems to operate on the assumption that most singles would agree, but the evidence isn't entirely convincing. For instance, the oft-quoted Pew Internet & American Life Project survey does show that 55% of single adults are "not looking for a partner," but that includes the elderly, divorced, and widowed, who may not be eager for a second or third time around. But among adults in the prime marrying years, 18-29, only 38% are "not looking." This is not to say that marriage is preferable to singlehood or that the wish to marry isn't partially fueled by enculturation, but it is a wish shared by a substantial portion of the population, both men and women, and shouldn't be dismissed.

That said, if there is a tendency to minimize the urge to couple, it's a minor complaint in this remarkably clear-eyed, meticulously documented depiction of the single life with all its--pardon the pun--singular challenges and satisfactions. DePaulo is the champion that we singles have awaited to validate the worth of the individual in a "matrimaniacal" culture and advocate for our fair treatment, and Singled Out could be the vehicle for a sea change, a reconstitution of what it means to be single. Read it, enjoy it, learn from it, pass it on to other singles to inspire them and to couples to clue them in. Even with the cards stacked against us, we singles are doing okay. In fact, we're doing better than okay--we're growing, thriving, and living our lives to the fullest. We know it, and now it's time everyone else knew it, too.




Were you surprised to learn about some of the myths discussed above? Have you experienced singlism in your life? If you've read Singled Out, do you have comments on the book?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a book or web site for or about singles that you would like Singletude to review? Contact Elsie!