Singles and Adoption: The Intentionally Single Parent

First off, my apologies for my extended absence from Singletude! I think this is the longest I've gone without posting an entry, and I feel terrible about it. Life circumstances have conspired to keep me away, but one of my most time-consuming focuses of late, the wedding of a close friend, will be over at the beginning of October, and I'll have that much more time to spend here. :) I've also been "nesting"--not with a baby but with a newly hatched screenplay, and the "little one" is very demanding!

The other day I was wasting time at a favorite message board that is my gossip magazine, sitcom, and newsroom rolled into one when I stumbled onto a debate about single-parent adoption. I can't remember what sparked it, perhaps Meg Ryan, Sheryl Crow, or some other single celebrity mom who found it in her heart to share her love and considerable resources with a deserving child. Whatever or whoever it was, the board was abuzz with adulation and condemnation for single adopters.

I can hear you now: "Condemnation, you say? What's to be condemned in the extraordinary sacrifice it takes to raise a child someone else brought into the world? Especially for a single adult, whose resources of time and money may already be finite, it seems like a remarkably selfless choice!"

But there are those who believe that a child can only be healthy when raised in a two-parent home and that singles who adopt deprive kids of the chance to have "real families." Regrettably, I used to be one of them.

Go ahead. Fling stones at my glass house. It's true. There was a time when I thought that single adopters were as selfish as a triple decker stroller is long and destined to raise a gaggle of little Christina Crawfords. Needless to say, I've since changed my mind. Not because I've been seized by the irrepressible urge to adopt and now have to justify my decision (I haven't) but because arguments have come to light that have convinced me I was just plain wrong. Here's why:


1. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children & Families, as of 2006, there were 117,380 children in foster care who were eligible for adoption. Of those children, 50,379 (less that half) found adoptive parents. I guarantee you those 67,001 kids still shuffling through the foster care system or fending for themselves in state-run institutions would rather live with a loving single parent.

2. Just because someone adopts as a single parent doesn't mean he or she will always be single, just as married couples who adopt may not remain married. Never has marital status been as fluid as it is today, but the role of mom or dad is forever. So it seems foolish to base the decision to adopt solely on whether the adoptee will enter a one- or two-parent home.

3. A single adopter doesn't necessarily parent alone, while married adopters don't necessarily parent together. Research from around the world demonstrates that singles, including single parents, have social networks at least as deep and rich as those of married couples, sometimes more so. When a single individual adopts, she or he may have an army of "co-parents" ready and willing to be role models, caregivers, mentors, and activity partners as well as to step in at a moment's notice in times of crisis. These can include the adoptive grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins in addition to friends, coworkers, and neighbors. In married households, on the other hand, children don't automatically get a double dose of parental devotion. As a matter of fact, mothers still spend almost twice as much time with their kids as fathers do, so it might be more accurate to say that these youngsters have one and a half parents, not two! Okay, okay, it's not all about quantity, I realize. But if time spent together is indicative of parental involvement and influence, then it's hard to see how children in two-parent homes are so much better off than children with one parent and, say, special adult friends or relatives they visit once or twice a week.

4. Children can bridge the gap between singles and the surrounding community, which can benefit both adoptees and their single parents. Although the data cited above proves that singles aren't lonely or isolated in general, there will always be some people who have trouble connecting with others. Far from reinforcing social withdrawal, parenting opens doors to interaction. Whether through PTA fundraisers, Little League games, or Girl Scout meetings, single parents can meet and build relationships with each other and their families. Some single parents have even moved in together to share the responsibility of childrearing!

5. Children adopted by singles aren't suffering for lack of a backup parent. In fact, they're thriving on the single-minded dedication of unmarried adopters. Studies comparing adoptees in single- and two-parent homes reveal that outcomes are similar or even better for kids adopted by singles. Surprised? Here's some more evidence. These counterintuitive results may arise from the fact that singles are more likely than marrieds to establish relationships with children prior to adoption, or it may be that single adopters don't bring marital stressors to the equation. Furthermore, many adoptees have special physical or emotional needs that are better addressed by someone who can focus completely on the child rather than dividing his or her time between a spouse and other kids in the home. Whatever else you may argue, the proof is in the pudding of thousands of well-adjusted young people who are learning, playing, growing, and discovering what it is to be part of a loving family in the homes of single adoptive parents.


If you've ever thought of adopting a child as a single parent but hesitated to do so out of concern for the child's well-being, I hope I've cleared up the misconceptions about single adopters that dissuade so many big-hearted individuals from opening their arms to needy kids. In today's transitioning society, perhaps we can finally peel away the mask of the traditional family, look into the eyes of love behind it, and allow that love to shine forth in any form it wants to take--through families large or small, nuclear or extended, blood-related or adopted, married or single.

What do you think about single parents who adopt? Have you adopted a child as a single parent, or do you know someone who has? If so, can you share your/their experience? If not, would you ever consider adopting while single?


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Singles Clothing and Accessories: Be Single in Style

Next time you go out, instead of advertising your favorite sports team or fashion house, why not advertise yourself?

Move over, Craigslist Missed Connections! Singles no longer have to rely on subtle glances and preening gestures to make our intentions known. Now we have t-shirts, hats, rings, even buttons to do the job for us! Apparel and accessories for singles range from the subtle and sophisticated to the in-your-face and proud of it to the cute and flirtatious, but these products all have one objective, to broadcast our single status. The rationale is part badge of honor, part icebreaker in a world in which we're increasingly connected to devices and disconnected from each other.

A few months ago, Quirkyalone blogged about tees for singles, and that started me wondering just how many choices there are for trendy unattached types who want to make a fashion statement. Turns out there are quite a lot. I've compiled a list of those I tracked down, complete with ratings, here:



Clothing

--SingleTease
Probably the best publicized retailer of singles merchandise, SingleTease offers two basic women's t-shirt styles in eight earthen tones and a selection of slogans from the frank "say hello." to the coy "support your local library (check me out)." There's a significant jump in price from the affordable baby tees, which are $20, to the full-length tees, which are $28. Adorable, but the limited number of designs (six) and colors (each tee is only available in one or two) are disappointing. And why no shirts for men?
***

--SinglesT
These unisex tees have snappy slogans, although their meaning might be too obscure to those who aren't already clued in to their purpose. For example, "Long Term Lease Available Inquire Within" and "You Never Know Until You Ask" are cute, but outside the context of a singles bar, passersby might think you've printed a t-shirt to advertise your room for rent. Also, the slogan's placement on the back of the shirt may hinder the opportunity for a stranger to make eye contact across a crowded room. The selection is even smaller here--just four designs to choose from, and they only come in one color scheme--but at $14.99, the price can't be beat.
**

--Other Retailers with Singles Lines
My search turned up lots of designers and distributors who don't specialize in singles apparel but have one or two t-shirts that celebrate singlehood. Many of them operate through CafePress, Zazzle, or other print-on-demand sites. Here are some of the isolated designs that popped up in Google:
Ask Me If I'm Single
Date me I'm single
Happy Single Awareness Day!
Hi, I'm single.
I think, therefore I'm single.
If You're Hot, I'm Single
If You're Rich...I'm single!
I'm Rich and Single
I'm Single Let's Mingle
It's Summer. I'm Single.
Kiss Me I'm Single
National Singles Awareness Day
Single Awareness Day
Yes I'm single...And I like it that Way!
You Make Me Happy I'm Single.


Jewelry

--Just Looking Singles
The most popular singles-themed adornment appears to be the bracelet. Made of black rubber, this one is more utilitarian than decorative and costs $14.99. Your single status is supposed to be advertised by a silvertone-plated hieroglyphic eye, and for $4.99 each, you can add hieroglyphic silvertone charm plates to symbolize your interests, religion, astrological sign, etc. Unfortunately, the overall effect is less likely to initiate conversation than it is to initiate you into the Golden Dawn.
*

--Singelringen
Arguably the most widely publicized singles accessory, the Singelringen, which hails from Sweden, is marketed in 28 countries and has been spotted on the fingers of celebrities such as Paula Abdul, Mario Lopez, Wilmer Valderamma, Naomi Campbell, Juliette Lewis, and Maria Menounos. But unless they're celebrity watchers, will singles on the street recognize this sterling silver ring with a turquoise acrylic outer band? I suspect not. And it could be just my American sensibilities, but although this is advertised to both women and men, my guess is that many guys will find the sleek style and delicate color too feminine for their tastes. Besides, as attractive as the ring is, $69 seems like a rather hefty price tag for sterling silver and acrylic.
**

--Singles Bracelets
At the other end of the spectrum, the Singles Bracelet eliminates the guesswork entirely. These no-fuss reversible bangles, which come in color combos of pink/black, blue/black, red/black, or yellow/black, announce to the world that you are "SINGLE" or "TAKEN," depending on your relationship status, your mood, or your interest in the drunken bar patron in front of you. You can order them here at $4.99 a piece. They're far from couture, but they know their purpose and live up to it, and the price is right.
**

--Singles Jewelry
Now here's a site I like. They offer sterling silver rings and pendants, both engraved with the tag line "Single-Unique-Individual" encircling an embossed "S." Though they resemble class rings more than anything found behind the counter of Tiffany's, they look solid and polished and, most importantly, they get the message across in a tasteful way. They're also customized for men and women. At $24.95 for a pendant with chain and $49.95-59.95 for a ring, these are priced to sell to singles who want quality at a reasonable rate.
***

--Wrist Twist
These wristbands, debossed with the product's logo, are available in six different marbleized colors, which signify the age group that interests you, for $6.95 each. Similar to the Singles Bracelet in quality, they once again rely on a gimmick that's the equivalent of a secret handshake.
*

As with clothing, singles jewelry lines are also carried by some merchants that serve broader customer bases:

--Generous Gems
This online jeweler sells 14k white and yellow gold charms featuring singles-friendly phrases. They're elegant and affordably priced in the $21-42 range. Plus, they're noticeable but don't spell desperation in the way that some other singles accessories do.
***

--Dian Malouf
Her "Unhitched" ring is on display at 101Wedding-Idea.com, although you'll have a tough time finding it on her site despite the link. I couldn't find it, but the site provides enough contact info that you should be able to request it if interested. Designed with the male of the species in mind, this heavy band is sterling silver with an optional 14k gold face and is one of the few singles items aimed squarely at the high-end consumer. The review lists the price range as $350-2,300, presumably dependent on the upgrade to 14k gold. This seems excessive to me for a ring that is mostly silver and not all that classy to boot, but it gets its point across. It's a shame there's no ladies' version.
**


Other Accessories or Miscellaneous

SHI Symbol
It's an interlocking male-female symbol that Prince would love, and you'd better know what it stands for because unless you choose an item that spells it out, no one may ever guess that it means "Single-Happy-Interested." It does, however, appear on an impressive array of merchandise, including t-shirts, chains, pendants, earrings, pins, belt clips, key rings, and even cufflinks! Many products have his and hers versions, and there are variations for singles of different sexual orientations. Be prepared to pay a pretty penny for the privilege of wearing The Symbol, though; t-shirts are $35, and many of the 9- and 18k gold pieces cost hundreds.
***

Again, some sites don't just cater to singles but incorporate some terrific singles products nevertheless:

Giftgasms
This giant web outlet carries items for every occasion and persuasion. Among its offerings for singles are tops, hats, buttons, tote bags, mousepads, mugs, bumper stickers, and more, all sporting catchy phrases like "I'm just not that into you," "single serving productions," and "Wanted: Single, straight, solvent male. Apply within." Both sexes are represented, and prices are on par with most discount and department stores. Best of all, they're funny without screaming "loser."
****


*=poor **=fair ***=good ****=excellent

Ratings are based on design, selection, relevance, and pricing of the product. Singletude has no direct experience with any of the above products or retailers and cannot comment on actual quality of the product, customer service, or shipping and handling.



Now you may notice that my ratings were conservative. That's because I think a lot of these web shops could do a lot better in terms of quality, selection, and sometimes cost. There's a fine line between products that are humorous and products that make singles the brunt of the humor as well as between products that tactfully communicate single status, those that blare it out like a fog horn, and those that try so hard to be subtle that the message is lost. Most retailers haven't figured out the difference yet. When they do, the singles fashion market could really take off. Until then, there aren't a lot of truly wearable options.

For the record, I probably wouldn't buy any of these items since I don't like to attract attention to myself in public places. However, for singles who are serious about meeting as many people as possible, some of these products seem like fun, flirtatious conversation starters.


What's your opinion on singles-oriented clothing and accessories? Would you buy or have you bought any products for singles? If you have, what kind of reaction did you get?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a product for singles that you would like Singletude to review? Contact Elsie!

Singletude Seeks Rants and Raves

Okay, all you budding writers! Sharpen your pencils and don your thinking caps because this is your chance to flex your literary muscle on Singletude! That's right, for one day, the homepage of Singletude will be your platform to sound off at the world!

Do you have a pet peeve about the single life? Maybe you love your job but want to tear out your prematurely graying hair every time your coworkers skip out early to pick up their kids. Maybe your patience is wearing thin on the scraps of time your coupled friends are feeding you. Maybe you fantasize about advising your nosy aunt to get her proboscis out of your love life and back in her knitting. Nicely, of course. There's no telling what damage she could do with that schnoz.

Or, keeping in mind that this is supposed to be a positive blog, after all, maybe you'd like to share with our international audience, especially those married cynics who can't (or won't) imagine us enjoying ourselves at a chill lounge or comedy club while they're wrestling two tantrum-y tots into bed, what really rocks about being single. Perhaps you'd like to tell us about the new business you started after your last break-up, the exotic vacations you jet off to without worrying about anyone else's schedule, the unbreakable bonds you have with your circle of singleton friends, or even something as seemingly minor as your full nights of dreamless sleep, uninterrupted by someone snoring, tossing and turning, stealing your covers, or shoving you into a remote corner of the bed.

Whether you have a rant or a rave, as long as it's about the single life, you're invited to submit it for possible publication on Singletude and dazzle the readers with the prowess of your pen. Your rant or rave can be long or short, formal or conversational, wickedly humorous or sweetly sincere. My one request is that you write it with a PG or PG-13 audience in mind. I reserve the right to edit submissions for content, clarity, and length, though I will make every effort to leave them as untouched as I can. I'll also include a link to your blog or web page so that people can find out more about you.

If this gets a good response, the rants and raves will become a regular feature, and I may even run a contest for all published submissions. (Yes, that means prizes for you!)

So make a date with your word processor and send the results to Singletude! I look forward to reading your rants and raves!