Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Online Dating Pros and Cons, Part II

Last time, Singletude reviewed the reasons that online dating is the best thing since going steady. But before the Match.coms and Yahoo! Personals of the world start gloating, let's be frank--dating sites aren't a quick fix for bars or setups. For the sake of balanced discussion, let's focus in on the dark side of meeting a mate in cyberspace.

CONS

1. Online dating services create the illusion of a larger dating pool but don't always deliver on that promise. While metropolitan areas may have oodles of singles, rural locations may not turn up a blip on the 20-mile search radar. Even if you're willing to travel, you may find that the residents of those teeming cities are not. For those who do choose to begin a long-distance relationship, their budding romance will be tested by the constraints of physical separation, a burden that has broken many a stable long-term partnership.

Plus, matchmaking sites have a dirty little secret--the millions of members they flaunt aren't all paid subscribers, and in most cases, only subscribers can initiate and respond to communication. For example, as of 2004, Match.com had 20 million members but only 910,000 subscribers! (Match.com has apparently stopped reporting updated statistics since they've been losing traffic.) So out of every 20 members you write to, only one will be able to respond. Statistically speaking, the odds are the same as your chances of becoming a victim of violent crime. Better cross your fingers you're his/her type!

2. While this may not be a con for everyone, singles seeking serious relationships will find that the web is a magnet for serial daters attracted by the endless supply of fresh pickings. Thus it can be easy to book a date for the movies but not so much a date for the wedding. On the plus side, there are sites like eHarmony, Chemistry, and True which cater to those who want long-term commitments, but they expect you to pay for the privilege of meeting men and women who are interested in more than sex or free dinner.

3. Online dating sites are very competitive, especially for men. On many sites, men outnumber women seven to three. So it's a buyer's market for the ladies, who can afford to be choosier. However, this doesn't mean that women automatically get their pick of the litter, particularly if they've all set their sights on the same subset of handsome, successful guys. The outcome is that members of both sexes rant and rail about how often they're snubbed and passed over. This can make for a frustrating, disheartening, and even soul-crushing experience if you don't have rock-solid self-esteem.

4. If you want to succeed at online dating, you must be photogenically blessed. On the World Wide Web, the photo is king. Many members won't look twice at profiles that don't include one, which means you'll have to throw anonymity to the wind. Moreover, it's not enough for you to just post a photo. It has to be a good photo, defined as one that makes you look like Niki Taylor or Tyson Beckford. The attractive girl- or guy-next-door look won't get you a wink, much less a date.

The problem is that lots of people aren't too photogenic. Still shots focus attention on facial flaws, which aren't as noticeable in person due to the distraction of continuous motion, speech, and nonverbal expression. Critics of online dating services complain that they get few responses even though they have no problem attracting interest in real life and people who know them personally consider them physically appealing.

5. What you see on a dating site isn't always what you get. Despite the certainty of eventual humiliation and rejection, some members fudge their age, height, weight, hair color (or lack thereof), income, and even marital status. Exaggerations, omissions, and outright lies also abound in the freewriting sections, in which some singles magically become far more outgoing, charming, witty, intelligent, confident, sophisticated, and comfortable in both dress clothes and jeans than they'll ever be in the real world. Granted some of these lies are unintentional, the product of wishful thinking combined with a lack of self-awareness. But the effect is the same--when you meet Mr. or Ms. Too Good To Be True, you feel disappointed and deceived.

Now, it's important to remember that liars don't just lurk online; you can get conned by someone you meet at a bar, in a class, or on the job, too. But when you meet in person, at least you know upfront if you're getting a Cameron Diaz or a Camryn Manheim, a George Clooney or a Boy George. Plus, the more integrated someone is into your world (as with a coworker or friend of a friend), the harder it is for them to hide behind a facade. When your only point of contact is the Internet, a player can keep the game going longer.

6. The shopping mall setup of Internet dating sites enables users to treat other people like commodities. Visit any online dating review site, and you'll see plenty of grousing about this one. Whether online dating encourages this mentality or online daters bring it to the table is anybody's guess, but dating site members are quite vocal about its entrenchment in the web community. Their argument is that dating sites, with their customizable search forms, impersonal methods of communication, and constant influx of fresh blood, enable users to be overly selective, treating people like consumer goods who can be disposed of and replaced as soon as something better comes along.

As a rebuttal to this theory, there is no proof, as far as I'm aware, that online dating site members are pickier than the general public. The fact of the matter is that dating sites allow singles to interact with more people on a given day than they might meet in months or even years of barhopping, so of course they're going to collect more rejections, too. It's a numbers game. The difference is that rejection on a dating site is more obvious because it requires people to be blunter than they would be in person.

If you ignore an email--or, worse, reply with a "no"--you've sent an undeniable message of rejection. However, if you go out to a bar and you're a man, you simply won't approach the women you're not interested in. At the end of the night, those women will go home, and not one of them will think, "Hey, only five guys hit on me, so the other hundred in the bar must think I'm unattractive." If you're a woman approached by a man you're not into, you might make some small talk and then leave for the night with an excuse or a noncommittal "see ya around." Often the guy will massage his ego with the assumption that you were just shy or really did have to get home to feed the abandoned baby porcupines you adopted. On a dating site, however, there's no room to misconstrue a rejection, so naturally you seem to get more of them.

This is not to say that people haven't become overly selective or don't treat their fellow humans like recyclable plastics, but my theory is that this is a widespread phenomenon in contemporary society and is not exclusive to the web. In my experience, most singles I know don't use Internet dating services (and most couples I know didn't, either), and they still reject(ed) and are/were rejected by lots of potential mates. Nevertheless, the immediacy, candor, and volume of the rejections on a dating site can make it a poor choice of stomping grounds for all but the thickest skins.

7. The Internet is a subpar communications forum that fosters a disconnect between single daters. Or so the theory goes. There's no doubt that emails and IMs can't match the richness and complexity of in-person communication. It also may be true that the facelessness of cyberspace depersonalizes people, making it easier for them to be rude, inconsiderate, and dismissive to one another. Some critics go a step further, claiming that Internet dating erodes real-life social skills, although that's stretching it in my book. Most of us still have to interact with colleagues, friends, family, and retailers every day, so we have plenty of opportunities to practice. More threatening than the Internet, I think, is the permissive parenting that teaches kids it's okay to dehumanize each other. The web is simply the field on which these internalized lessons are played out. However, it does seem easier to get away with this on the 'Net, and singles wishing for more personal accountability in their interactions might want to stay away from online dating sites.

8. Yes, Virginia, there really are safety hazards in online dating. Contrary to popular perception, though, they don't usually include psychotic killers. What you're more likely to encounter are dating site scammers, a new breed of criminal who create false personas and lure hopeful, sympathetic singles to send them large sums of money. Also, like any other web site, a dating service is subject to hackers and credit card or identity thieves.

9. The monthly fees of online dating services can add up, and calculating the cost isn't always a straightforward task. Yes, most dating sites allow you unrestricted access for the cost of one dinner date a month. But don't forget that you'll be paying for that access in addition to the dinner dates that you land as a result. Obviously, this is an inequity that tends to fall squarely on the shoulders of the guys. On the other hand, you may never score a date while you keep emptying your wallet to the matchmaking site month after month, and when you finally do, it may lead nowhere.

Furthermore, you may get roped into forking over much more than you estimated. That's because dating sites that charge monthly subscription fees also enforce an autorenewal process, which automatically bills you for another subscription period if you don't take action to resign. (If you only signed up for a free trial, you will automatically be billed for the initial subscription period.) Since this is contrary to most other American subscription-based services, which lapse unless you actively renew, dating sites prey on users' understanding of consumer norms.

Also be aware that although many sites offer discounted packages to those who subscribe for more than one month at a time, unlike true monthly subscriptions, you won't be charged once a month. Instead, you'll be billed in one lump sum, and if you're dissatisfied with some aspect of the service afterward, chances of a refund are slim.

10. Some dating sites are rumored to engage in unethical business practices. For starters, nearly all of them force you to undertake a copious registration process before they disclose their fees. Oftentimes they use ambiguous language to convince you that you'll have free access to services that aren't free at all. More disturbingly, for years members have been accusing online matchmakers of generating fake profiles and emails to lure them in for a bait-and-switch, although such claims are unsubstantiated. Other users have attested that they were charged repeatedly even after resigning. Still others have alleged that some dating services failed to grant promised discounts or refunds. In addition, online dating services are notorious for poor customer service. Often they bury their contact information in remote, inaccessible corners of their web sites or fail to provide live service altogether.

At first glance, there are more cons than pros for joining an online dating service, and you may wonder why anyone would subject themselves to the anxiety, uncertainty, embarrassment, and pain of romance on the web. However, a number of the cons are not applicable to everyone or even to just online dating. Dating anywhere, at any time, is difficult, and some of us will have better experiences than others. Furthermore, for some singles, the pros of online dating sites far outweigh the cons.

Have you ever tried online dating? What are some disadvantages to dating online? Can you share any negative experiences that you've had?

Fun Link of the Day

Monday, April 14, 2008

Online Dating Pros and Cons, Part I

Secretly, in the privacy of your computer-lit room, you've been wondering about it, haven't you? "Yeah, yeah," you've been thinking, "all these stats on alcohol abuse and crime safety and health insurance are well and good, but what about the juicy stuff? What about the dating sites?"

A few days ago, Singletude presented some tips on creating a social networking profile. A more direct means of meeting singles, especially for dating, is, of course, any of the online dating sites that have blossomed over the past decade like desert flowers springing to life over every inch of thirsty ground. Lately, you can't turn your mouse around without an ad for "Beautiful Russian Women" or "Born-again Christian Singles" flashing in your face. (Yes, I am equally guilty of contributing to the morass of dating site ads, and believe me, if Google ran ads for singles products other than dating services, Singletude would feature them in a heartbeat.)

This is not to say that online dating is uncool, unsafe, unsuccessful, or any other adjective prefixed by "-un." There was a time when it carried a stigma, but that time is rapidly fading into a quaint memory of the Information Superhighway's pioneer days, the era of dial-up, chat rooms, and Prodigy. Now your email inbox is as good a place for an introduction as the bar down the street. Nevertheless, the prospect of conducting your first conversation on AIM can be intimidating to those who've never tried it. To help you evaluate whether you want to dive into the sea of cyber dating, let's take a look at the pros and cons of online dating services, starting with the pros:

PROS

1. Dating online is a timesaver. In our fast-paced world, it can be hard to eke out time to stop at Starbucks for breakfast, much less hang out there all morning waiting for the perfect match to walk through the door. Online dating services allow you to bypass the bar trolling and love-me-love-me-not flirting and cut right to the chase. You can browse dozens, sometimes hundreds of profiles from the comfort of your own home, shoot off a few emails, and meet the next night for drinks. Furthermore, because you can contact multiple prospects at once, you don't have to waste a whole evening chatting up one hottie just to get a number.

2. The Internet makes accessible a large pool of dating applicants, many of whom you might not meet in the "real world." What a long way we've come from the days of happily settling for the neighboring farmer's bucktoothed, dimwitted daughter because she could at least bake a mean cherry pie! Nowadays, online dating services have made distance almost moot, facilitating introductions between potential partners who live hundreds, even thousands of miles apart. With more singles at your fingertips, you're that much more likely to find someone else who loves Barry Manilow and mullets as much as you do (provided such a person exists at all).

3. Online dating sites eliminate ambiguity. If you've ever seen a cutie in the supermarket and wasted those few precious moments in her company craning your neck at her ring finger, you're familiar with this problem. Dating sites take the guesswork out of who's available for what so you can concentrate on the more important steps of the getting-to-know-you process. No more working yourself into a tizzy agonizing over whether he's into you. If he likes you, he'll send a "wink" or an "icebreaker."

4. Online dating services allow for increased selectivity. Imagine if you walked into a club and everyone had their vital stats printed in bold letters across their chests. What if, drawing closer, you saw that they were wearing detailed bios of themselves, including such finer points as their diet and exercise habits, religious affiliations, and favorite hangouts? Wouldn't it be so much easier to gravitate toward the person best suited to you? Through the use of comprehensive profiles, this is what dating sites enable you to do. Just enter the search criteria that are important to you, and the site will return page after page of profiles that match your preferences. Thus, you can pick that fellow lover of Barry Manilow and mullets out of a sea of faceless strangers, and you can screen out everyone who wants to burn every last copy of "Copacabana." :) In all seriousness, meeting a compatible significant other at a lounge or party is a crap shoot. Sure, physical attraction will announce itself immediately, but you could spend all evening talking and still not find out that someone's interests, values, or beliefs are incompatible with your own. Searchable profiles give you the tools to find someone who you know is at least somewhat compatible with you before you spend time and money on a date.

5. When you meet online, you don't go into a date blind. You have some warm-up time via phone, email, and/or IM. Thus, when you do meet, you avoid the awkward silences that arise when you have no idea what to say to someone and end up blurting out the tail end of an inner monologue about your ex. Initial online contact is especially helpful if you're too shy to relax and have fun when first meeting someone. In addition, it's a good way to protect yourself against bad apples, whose rotten core you can sometimes sniff out in advance of a dinner date you'd have to climb out a bathroom window to escape.

6. Written communication fosters more personal exchanges. Many of us find it hard to open up to a new acquaintance face-to-face. The semi-anonymity of cyberspace can encourage singles to freely share their deeper thoughts, feelings, and experiences with each other, which makes it easier to get to know who someone really is beneath the social front we all present. The flip side of this is that it also makes it easier to withdraw from a relationship that isn't working out, which some might find a pro or a con, usually depending on who's doing the withdrawing!

7. Subscribing to an online dating service can save you money. Depending on the dating site you choose, you may be able to score any number of dates at little or no cost to you. For instance, Plentyoffish prides itself on staying free of charge, while Lavalife lets you reply to anyone at no cost and initiate contact for a fee of $1.20-1.80 per email depending on the package you select. And most of the sites that charge upwards of $20.00 a month significantly reduce that fee if you purchase a long-term package. For example, Yahoo! Personals charges $25.99 per month but $13.99 per month for a six-month commitment, Date.com charges $24.95 per month but approximately $8.33 per month for a year's subscription, and Perfectmatch.com charges $59.95 per month but only about $20.83 a month for a year. Even the most expensive dating sites allow you to meet multiple matches per month for the price of dinner and a movie for two...or less.

So now that we've established how many great reasons there are to wade into the online dating pool, you must be wondering what the downside is. Singletude will cover that next time!

Have you ever tried online dating? What are some advantages to dating online? Can you share any positive experiences that you've had?

Fun Link of the Day