I Love You, Man: A Singletude Review

It's official! I have a crush! Since it arrived from Netflix, I've been in deep like with I Love You, Man. The bromance of the century is as spit-out-your-Sprite funny as the likes of Wedding Crashers and Knocked Up, but the themes it addresses through dialogue so achingly real it feels like a hammer to the funny bone elevate this flick several cuts above. So why am I still withholding affection? Because while the movie skewers matrimania, it still demonizes singles.

Meet Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd), a straight-laced, dependable, ambitious yet sensitive real estate agent in touch with his feminine side. Now meet Zooey Rice (Rashida Jones), sweet, attractive, easygoing co-owner of a retail boutique. The two live in a beautiful house in the suburbs of LA, and Peter has just proposed. They have it all, which usually signals the end of the movie. Not in this case.

See, Peter is missing something--friends. Oh, he has co-workers and acquaintances, even fencing buddies, but no one close enough to stand up for him at his wedding. After he overhears Zooey's BFFs critiquing his social skills, he has an epiphany: "I gotta get some f****** friends!" he vows. From that point on, he becomes a man on a mission to cleverly exploit every parallel to contemporary dating cliches. In the process, he endures misguided "set-ups" (one of which includes possibly the best projectile vomiting scene in cinematic history), discovers that men online lie about their age, and agonizes over how soon to call for that first "man date." The expected hilarity ensues, not just because Peter isn't actually romancing these guys but because it hits home that much of the same hope, anxiety, frustration, and excitement that we associate with dating applies to courting a new friend, as well.

Now enter Sydney Fife (Jason Segel), a womanizing, Cheeto-munching, bar-brawling, air guitar-riffing man's man. Here the movie takes a detour to Fight Club Lite as Sydney bonds with Peter, teaching him to speak Guy (a language he flubs often and spectacularly), obey the rules of the brotherhood, and grow a pair. It's all good, and Peter is feeling the brotherly love until his fiancee fears that their relationship is threatening to become a menage a trois.

Because this is, after all, a Hollywood comedy, alter egos Peter and Sydney must each know something the other needs to learn in order to grow and change. Peter, obviously, needs friends. Director John Hamburg has decided that Sydney needs a girlfriend. Or maybe not a girlfriend yet--mercifully, the set-up that Peter and Zooey force on him doesn't work out--but the maturity and interpersonal skills necessary to land one. Therein lies the reason for my love-hate relationship with I Love You, Man.

What the movie does right is present a positive model for a balanced relationship that is not overly couplecentric. Peter and Zooey love each other and enjoy spending time together, but, by the end, they also have fulfilling lives apart with their own friends and career interests. The message that marital partners can't be each other's "everything," that they need platonic friends outside the relationship, is so enlightened and exceptional in the entertainment world that singles with singletude can't help but fall hard for this film.

On the other hand, as much fun and heart as Sydney brings to this story, he's still a caricature of the aging bachelor who refuses to grow up while all his friends are settling down. In one troubling scene, he phones everyone he knows to make weekend plans but is rejected by one after the other. Turns out his friends have wives and children who top their priority lists. Ok, Mr. Hamburg, we get it. When push comes to shove, family trumps friends. Fine. But then you pull out the heavyweights, the three Bs, and leave Sydney looking bummed, bored, and bereft. This is a guy who supposedly has a successful investment business, a collection of high-end guitars he rocks out on, a dog he's devoted to, and friends he hangs with a few times a week. Yet the one day everyone is busy, he's presented as a pathetic no-life who can't find a way to amuse himself on his own. Then there's Zooey's token single friend, who is, of course, a whiny, desperate Plain Jane (the cool, sexy one is married) and a mini-lesson toward the end about respecting the privacy of interactions within the sanctum of the relationship. These elements combine to proclaim a message that matrimaniacs are losers, but singles are losers, too, that to strike a successful balance, one should find a happy, healthy relationship or at least accept that relationships make the world go round. I'm down with the first half of that thesis but not the second.

In fantasyland, Sydney teaches Peter what he needs to learn without ever succumbing to the vices of stereotypical bachelorhood. But then there wouldn't be a conflict, and as all wannabe screenwriters know, a script without conflict is like a platinum wedding without a bridezilla. Or something. Anyway, it doesn't sell. Though I can't commit my whole heart to I Love You, Man, as the only movie in recent memory to call out matrimaniacs and lampoon intensive coupling, it still has me pretty infatuated.




How important do you think it is for a couple to maintain separate friendships outside their relationship? What can couples do to balance time together and time apart? How do you think bachelors are usually portrayed in Hollywood? Is the Hollywood version of the bachelor at all representative of the single men you know? If you've seen I Love You, Man, what are your thoughts on the movie? Do you think it has a positive or a negative message about singles in general and single men in particular? What does it say to you about matrimania/intensive coupling/enmeshed or codependent relationships? By the end of the movie, do you think Peter and Zooey provide a healthy model for couples or not? Can you recommend any other movies that tackle matrimania?


Fun Link of the Day


Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have an unpublished rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"! Singletude makes every effort to republish submissions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your submission for length and clarity.

Singles in the News: 11/8/09-11/14/09

Sorry this is soooo late, folks, but this was not a good week for me physically. Hey, it's a free service, so no complaints, 'kay? ;)

This week, China stepped into the spotlight for its annual Singles Day. No, you did not misread that. The nation that invented foot binding for wives now observes a special day for singles. We need to step it up, people.



11/8/09

"Dateless and $2500 Poorer"
The Sydney Morning Herald
Summary: You know you're in for trouble when a story starts out with this question: "What's worse than being single, and aged 31 in Sydney?" The answer, as offered by an anonymous single guest columnist, is: "Being single, 31 and ripped off by a dating agency." While Singletude can't agree with this pessimistic view of either singleness or the fourth decade of life, losing money under any circumstance is definitely a bummer. The writer, a highly educated, professional single female, complains that an elite matchmaking service was "just not that into" her after she wasn't into the first three dates they set her up on. She claims that she's publishing her experience as a cautionary tale for other singles, but since she seems too embarrassed by her single status to identify either herself or the matchmaker, her warning may not do would-be customers much good.


11/9/09

"All the Single Ladies"
By Jen Calder
The Times-Delphic
Summary: Occasionally, a student newspaper will produce a smart, open-minded opinion piece about singles and earn a link in "Singles in the News." It's inspiring to see the next generation reevaluating stereotypes about singleness because as we get older, we're going to be in their hands. So it's equally unnerving when an up-and-coming college voice chooses to reinforce those stereotypes. Take this article out of Iowa's Drake University, for example. The author is barely into the first paragraph before she launches into a diatribe against singles: "Being single is not all it is cracked up to be, people...And when you look at the big picture, no one really wants to be single. I say that because if your soulmate were available, you would be with him or her. Don’t lie..." She then urges single college kids to pair up because of woes like the double standard and impending loneliness. Although she admits that "older and wiser people are always informing me that I should be single for at least a couple years," she maintains that "you should date or be involved with someone, if not for anything else but to help you evolve." I'm not giving Calder a Singleschmucker because--she said it herself--she's young, and she hasn't yet experienced how diverse people are. But I can assure her, not everyone would jump at the chance to couple up with a soulmate, not least because many people don't believe in soulmates. She would do well to heed the advice of her elders because they've been in her shoes and know a thing or two. Undoubtedly, among their accumulated wisdom is the knowledge that dating can be a big distraction from one's studies, that settling down too soon can set a couple up for a lifetime of conflict, that learning about oneself is the best way to prepare to pick a partner, and that it's marriage which is, in fact, not all it's cracked up to be. To Calder's credit, she understands that enmeshed, insular relationships aren't the way to go, but she overestimates the transformative power of coupling while underestimating the risk of intense emotional involvement to young adults still forming their identities and attaining their educational goals. That doesn't mean the alternative she describes, constant casual hook-ups, is any prettier, but there's another short- or long-term option she ignores--being truly single, without any romantic or sexual attachments.

"Mover and Shaker August Black Gives Men Their Much Needed 'Space'"
PR Web
Summary: An interior design firm caters to single men. It's not the first of its kind, but it's one of the few, and it now provides a moving service, as well.

Singleschmucker Award
"Top 10 Myths About Marriage"
The Times of India
Summary: The title promises to correct popular misconceptions promoted by the matrimaniac crowd. Disappointingly, this is more like a backlash to the backlash. Outdated studies and grossly distorted pop psychology reports (none of them actually cited) are trotted out to reinforce what a difference marriage makes. Cohabiting couples are a primary target here, with quite a few "mythbusters" reminding unmarried partners that they are less committed to each other, less sexually satisfied, less likely to have successful marriages later on, and more prone to violent interactions. A lot of other lies surface in the article, not the least of which is the blanket statement that "both men and women live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are married." No, no, no, no! This is just not true, and what makes it worse is that The Times of India misrepresents this as an attempt to set the record straight. Take that, Times of India--a Singleschmucker!


11/10/09

"Married People Have More Pride in Work Than Singles"
By Patrick F. Fagan, PhD and Althea Nagai, PhD
Opposing Views
Summary: According to the General Social Survey conducted by the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center, 84.4% of marrieds say they are proud of their work as opposed to 74% of the divorced and 65.8% of the never married. The authors compare these results favorably to other studies that show a correlation between happy marriages and job satisfaction. They don't expressly state their theory that happy marriages result in increased job satisfaction, but that seems to be what they're driving at. So let's consider some other possibilities for this correlation: 1. Married people tend to be older than singles, and older people tend to have better jobs. 2. Many people wait until they feel good about their careers to marry, so married people may already have achieved job success. 3. Maybe the kind of people who value work and take pride in a job well done are the kind of people who are more likely to be interested in marriage. 4. Married people with two incomes may have more leeway to pursue jobs they care about. In contrast, singles may have to take what they can get, and divorced individuals may find themselves unexpectedly working jobs they don't like to provide child support or alimony or to replace income from a former spouse. 5. Happier people are a little more likely to marry, and people who are generally happier in life may also feel happier on the job. (Note that this does not mean that people become happier when they marry.) Now there is one way in which marriage might conceivably impact pride in one's work, but that has nothing to do with the supposed joys of marriage. It's that when people get married, they're more likely to be promoted at the office due to favoritism toward married employees. This one is very close to a Singleschmucker.

"Public Invited Thursday to Learn About Women's Shelter Plans"
yorkregion.com
Summary: The Women's Shelter Community Team of York in Ontario, Canada seeks to establish the first shelter for single women in the area.

"Single in the Suburbs"
By Ashley Dieterle and Benn Farrell
Highlands Ranch Herald
Summary: A Colorado community in which singles are definitely not the new majority struggles to provide its single residents with ways to socialize including church fellowship groups, coed sports teams, fitness classes, and entertainment centers. Local college professor John Ratliff also analyzes the nation's upswing in singles, explaining, "'There is a decline of civil society, meaning people don’t know the people in their communities....Now it is more difficult to meet people and gain viable information on new people.' Ratliff said there is also a decline in courtship rituals, which have basically collapsed over the last 100 years. He said there are no longer any clear rules about how people get together and engage in courtship."

"Surprise Gender Spending: IBISWorld Report"
QBR
Summary: This short article traces Australian consumer trends for men versus women with a special focus on singles. The bottom line: The women are still the champion shoppers, although men are spending more on personal care items than ever before.

"Young People 'Popular Target for Credit Card Fraudsters'"
By Nate Sawyer
Which 4U
Summary: If you're a single person who earns a middle-class income and rents in the UK, watch out. You're among those most targeted by identity thieves.



11/11/09

"Fuss Over Single's Day"
By Qi Moxi
CRIEnglish.com
Summary: Proving once again that it can beat us at our own game, China has instituted its own Singles Day--one it actually celebrates with parties and promotional events. But this journalist wonders how much of Singles Day is dedicated to celebrating singles and how much is really just an opportunity for bars, clubs, and matchmaking services to capitalize on the holiday.

"The GAMC Gap: Fate Uncertain for Health Care Program Serving Poorest Minnesotans"
By Scott Carlson
St. Paul Legal Ledger
Summary: Those "poorest Minnesotans," by the way, also happen to be single adults. Up until recently, Minnesota was one of the only states to offer publicly funded medical care (GAMC) to the unmarried and childless. But this summer, Governor Tim Pawlenty announced that the program would lose funding in 2010. Following an outcry, Pawlenty made provisions for 28,000 of the 36,000 single people who would be left without insurance to be covered under a different program, MinnesotaCare, but the fate of the remaining 8,000 is unknown. Furthermore, there is concern that the transition of 28,000 singles from GAMC to MinnesotaCare will not be a smooth one. MinnesotaCare is more costly for participants and covers less than GAMC.

"Homeless Vets Need Our Help"
By Gabe Pressman
NBC New York
Summary: "One-third of New York’s population of 9,000 homeless single adults are veterans." NBC News looks at this special group of singles who are now fighting a different kind of battle on the homefront.

"Right Hand Ring Tells the World We're Independent Women"
By Susie Anderson
limelife
Summary: Right-hand diamond rings are discussed in what amounts to little more than a promotional piece. The message, however, is timeless: "We think even engaged and married women could stand to wear a right hand ring. Because, you know, even though you're committed and in a loving relationship, you're still an independent woman..."

Singles With Singletude Award
"What an Expert Eye, and a Game Plan, Can Do for the Single Shopper"
By Joe Yonan
The Washington Post
Summary: Judith Jones, author of The Pleasures of Cooking for One, and a group of single Washington Post readers take a tour of DC grocers as Jones advises her devotees on shopping and cooking for one. Her smorgasbord of tips includes the following: 1. Frequent farmers markets, where you can buy loose or individual items. 2. Buy ingredients with a week's worth of meals in mind. That means selecting components that are both versatile and that can be easily stored. 3. Roast leftover vegetables and use them throughout the week in salads, pasta dishes, soups, and wraps. 4. Grow herbs in pots at home instead of buying in supermarket packs that will spoil. 5. Smoked salmon, prosciutto, and parmesan preserve well and are perfect for adding flair to various dishes. 6. Share with friends. 7. Don't be afraid to adjust recipes to your own taste. You're the only one you have to please, after all! Jones discloses the secrets to specific dishes that can undergo seemingly endless transformations into other dishes, so be sure to read the article yourself for some excellent ideas. It's not that unusual to see articles that validate the single lifestyle from a philosophical point of view, but there aren't as many that give concrete advice and suggestions with singles in mind. So this feature wins this week's Singles With Singletude Award.


11/12/09

"Building Awareness of Homeless, Hunger in Minot"
Minot Daily News
By Andrea Johnson
Summary: In North Dakota, Minot State University's Student Social Work Organization works to raise awareness of homelessness, which they say disproportionately affects single mothers.

"'Marriage Hunting' Becomes a Fad Among 'Gold Collar' Professionals"
CCTV.com
Summary: A glimpse into China's professional matchmaking industry reveals that it's gained mainstream acceptance with 70% of singles polled expressing their approval of it. However, it remains affordable mainly just to the elite, and some people still have strong reservations. "'I disapprove of "marriage hunting," and propose to marry for love. Those who hunt marriage with money can only get material comforts in marriage because they get married without developing attachments and learning each other's personalities...A spouse is not a product that can be purchased with money,'" said one single man interviewed. Sadly, single people themselves don't seem to have made as much headway as matchmaking services. In a two-page article, they're referred to three times as "single people left on the shelf."


11/13/09

"The 'Mate Market' Is Tough for Jewish Women Over 50"
By Arlene Fine
Cleveland Jewish News
Summary: It's possible that when this paper asked for personal accounts of the local dating scene from older single women, these were the only answers they got. It's possible. But is it probable? For some reason, they chose to publish the stories of three women who were uniformly negative about being single. "If I even think that I’ll end up flying solo for the rest of my life, I’ll go crazy," says one woman. Somehow I think she'll stay out of Bedlam.

"Women Who Want a Baby Later Are Freezing Their Eggs Now"
By Kate Snow, Susan Kriskey, and Kate McCarthy
Good Morning America
Summary: Approximately 50 clinics across the country help single women preserve their eggs at a cost of $10,000-15,000. Women who freeze their eggs have a 50-50 chance of getting pregnant by that method.


11/14/09

"Nitty Gritty"
By Barolong Saboni
Mmegi Online
Summary: In Botswana, a journalist takes humorous notes on a meeting of Nitty Gritty, a new association of single men that has pledged to work toward the breakdown of marital status discrimination and masculine gender role stereotyping. Their manifesto proudly proclaims, "We intend to resort to our rights as men to remain single if we so wish. Single men have a right to be respected. We will marry only when we want to."

"The Single Population"
CRIEnglish.com
Summary: In honor of Singles Day, an English-language Chinese radio broadcast complete with transcript reports on the growing population of singles in China. From the broadcast: "Living the single life has become a new trend in China. Many people choose to stay alone because they enjoy a free and unrestrained life that relieves them from the bondage of marriage." The changing population landscape is discussed in light of falling marriage rates, and this is contrasted with China's long history of arranged marriage. Despite the country's conservative reputation, the same dynamics that created a new single majority in the West are at work here, aided by an explosion of career opportunities for women and the rise of Internet dating services. The commentary contains some singlism, but it's balanced with positive remarks, and that alone is impressive for a nation with such a strong tradition of reverence for marriage.

"Single Survival During the Holidays"
By Richard Asa
Chicago Tribune
Summary: "Whether newly divorced, widowed or--gasp--single by choice, people in ones around the holidays can often elicit sympathy, meddlesome questions and misplaced advice." If you're single and tense about upcoming familial encounters, this article advises you to practice visualization and other relaxation techniques, avoid singlist family members and hang out with more supportive relations if possible, defend your right not to rehash questions about your single status, permit yourself to be sad if you've recently lost a partner, and bring along a sense of humor.

"Unwed Mothers Need Aid"
JoongAng Daily
Summary: Most Korean babies adopted out to other countries are born to single mothers, who face widespread discrimination. This article calls for social programs that would help single moms in Korea support their infants.



Do you have thoughts on any of the stories above? (When commenting, please reference the title of the article.)


Want to stay current on changes in the world that impact singles? Read the latest news about singles every day! Check out the Singletude newsreader under Singles in the News on the homepage!


Do you have a question for Clever Elsie about some aspect of the single life? Have an unpublished rant or rave about singlehood? Write in, and you just might see your question in a "Singletude Q&A" or your rant or rave in a "Singletude Sound-off"! Singletude makes every effort to republish submissions in their original form but reserves the right to edit your submission for length and clarity.

"A Critical (But Highly Sympathetic) Reading of New Yorkers' Sexual Habits and Anxieties" by Wesley Yang: A Singletude Response

Have you read New York Magazine's "A Critical (But Highly Sympathetic) Reading of New Yorkers' Sexual Habits and Anxieties" by Wesley Yang? If browsing singles sites or dating blogs is part of your routine, chances are you haven't been able to avoid this article or someone's opinion of it. Like sex itself, it has spawned a wide range of heated responses, from prophecies of impending moral apocalypse to passionate defenses of Gen Y's highly evolved textual shorthand. Because although the title suggests a bland report peppered with decimals and percentages in tables that list "number of times per week" and "number of partners per year," it's actually all about the wireless hook-up network that connects young, urban singles. It's one writer's response to the online New York Magazine column called "The Sex Diaries," in which one lucky male or female gets to play Carrie Bradshaw for a week and record his or her dating woes and sexual exploits. Yang's central question: "Are the digital tools that make it easier to find sex compounding the confusion that accompanies it?"

Yang says yes, and he's not the first to reach that verdict. Since the cell phone became a must-have accessory and the code of texting a lingua franca--since the Internet Age multiplied our social options to the infinite power, really--academics, politicos, pop psychologists, and lifestyle journalists have obsessed over the paradox of perceived choice in sexual or romantic partners. The idea is that as our choices increase, we become paralyzed with indecision and end up making no choice at all. When too much choice intersects with the impersonal void of wireless communication, some experts argue, human beings become disposable objects that exist only for momentary gratification, their existence erased afterwards with the touch of an address book key.

This is the theme of Yang's analysis, too. He reviews the diarists' weekly entries since 2007 and describes a cutthroat world of sex games in which everyone is a player, like it or not, and you can trust no one because your partner is also your opponent. The object of the game is to have as many partner options as possible. To handicap yourself is to reveal emotion your partner/opponent does not feel, and to lose is to have no options at all. The jackpot is "true love," but in this virtual reality, the winner is too disconnected to know when it's real and so forfeits the prize.

The sticking point for most commentators is whether or not the tech revolution is to blame for this state of affairs, but I'll reserve judgment on that because it doesn't really matter. The BlackBerry didn't come with a set of instructions on "Using Speed Dial to Juggle Hook-ups," "Using the Calendar to Create a Safe Emotional Distance," or "Using Autocomplete to Send a Break-up Text." People, singles out there on the dating scene, decided to use those features to that end. The technology facilitated it, but the idea was all human. My interest is not in how young, single Americans got to this place but in how they are functioning in it and whether it needs to be made a different and better place.

What strikes me about the voices Yang quotes is that they're not the voices of empowered, sexually fulfilled, enlightened singles. They're permeated with angst, frustration, disappointment, and bitterness. It's possible that a selection bias is interfering here, but I believe that Yang is sincere in his attempt to represent the zeitgeist as he admits, "Reading the Sex Diaries all in one enormous gulp...caused me to surf on the edge of a terrible vertigo as I thought of the many wounds I had myself endured and inflicted during my brief career as a person with a New York City sex life." When he's moved to tears by an entry with a happy ending, I don't doubt that he's stumbled on a needle in a haystack, a Shangri-la unattainable to the multitudes of earnest diarists.

Is it any wonder that singles are unhappy trying to keep their personal lives impersonal? Yang describes how the "compulsive toggling of options winds up inflicting the very damage it was designed to protect against," noting how hard singles work to disguise "the fond hope, better kept to oneself, that one yearns to leave behind the serial f*** buddies, friends with benefits, and other back-burner relationships." This is not living with singletude, people. Singletude is about being authentic to your own wants and needs, not trying to repress what you feel to best someone else in a game of emotional one-upmanship. It's about promoting healthy attachments to others and concern for the community (as opposed to just one person), not using your singleness as an excuse to role over other people because you think you're a free agent and have no responsibility to anyone but yourself. Of course this lifestyle produces insecurity, loneliness, and disillusionment.

But, like ravers in some kind of dating trance, everyone keeps dancing. Why? Perhaps the answer lies in this nugget of wisdom, as Yang tries to explain why droves of single New Yorkers, some of the most entitled people in the world, would tolerate being manipulated like so many pawns in a casual after-dinner game: "The back burner is a confusing, destabilizing, and exhausting place to be, and yet none of the Diarists...appear to view it as anything but a fact of life. It is clearly less terrifying than the alternative, which is to not be on anyone’s." (italics added)

Ah-ha! There's the crux of it. Desperation. Millions of single daters have sold out on their ideals because they believe the alternative is to be alone, and that prospect is intolerable. They would rather have relationships that are unsatisfying at best and damaging, degrading, or depressing at worst than be single.

Let's clear up some cultural myths that seem to have resulted in a mass Millennial delusion: One, if you feel like your love life has forced you into a game of relationship poker that you never wanted to play, you should know that you can put the cards down. You can opt out. There will be people who will tell you to resign yourself to the way dating has changed, that this is the way of the world. That is, in effect, what even this New York Magazine article says, right? Well, believe me, you do not have to resign yourself to anything. All you have to do is be honest with yourself about what will bring you long-term happiness and what will derail you from that and then pursue the former single-mindedly. If someone is intimating that you have to let others treat you in a way that makes you feel hurt, anxious, ashamed, angry, depressed, devalued, deceived, manipulated, disrespected, or just plain uncomfortable in order to have a shot at a more meaningful relationship, that is a lie. Anyone who expects you to feel that way as a matter of course doesn't have your interests at heart and never will.

Two, you don't have to be a swinging, cybering, cell-wielding single to find a relationship. This is Peer Pressure 2.0: Adult Version, isn't it? It's the same lie--that if you don't conform, you'll be alone and unwanted. But the truth is that you don't have to cave to be with someone great. If you don't want to play the game, there are other singles out there who don't want to play it, either, and they will admire you all the more because you share their values. It may seem like "everybody's doing it, " but the more you refuse to, the more other singles you come in contact with will feel confident in their own decisions to opt out. That's how change happens.

Third--this is the most important part--even if you don't end up in a relationship, you don't have to be alone. The only reason this disposable dating movement has so much leverage is that it's powered by the sheer terror of being single (or maybe just sexless, in which case see "No Sex for Singles"). If you're so horrified by the prospect of singleness that you'd rather agonize over whether your booty call is ignoring you because you freaked him/her out with a kissy face text, then maybe you should ask yourself why. What's better about feeling like you have to map out elaborate schemes to get someone to see you and not just your cam phone shots? Today there's more literature than ever before to verify that singles can be as happy, healthy, socially active, and professionally productive as couples, if not more so. Anyone who doubts it should spend some time reading through the Singletude archives and visiting the blogs and web sites on Singletude's blogroll. Many of these sites also have information and tips that can help you learn how to resolve common problems and make the most of your life as a single. Above all, you should know that being single doesn't mean being alone! Research shows that singles, especially single women, aren't very likely to be lonely at all.

If New York Magazine's "Sex Diary" series is representative of how single adults in the U.S. date and mate, then it does seem like our shrinking, global society has paradoxically made us both more detached from any individual and more demanding of perfection from everyone. But even if technology has enabled this line of thinking, we can step back and consciously reevaluate how we choose to interact with others. Yang bemoans the transactional nature of wireless dating, naming "a certain callousness toward the merchandise" as "an unavoidable side effect of entering a marketplace as both buyer and seller." But each one of us has the choice to put ourselves up for sale or buy what is offered. Or we can decide that some things are priceless and treat them accordingly.


What are your thoughts on this article? If you're a fan of the New York Magazine "Sex Diaries" column, what are your observations about it? Do you think the tech revolution is responsible for the way sexual behavior has evolved over the past decade? If not, what is? What are some of the positive and negative consequences that have resulted from how dating and mating trends have changed? Can you relate to Yang's characterization of the current dating scene as a fast-paced, competitive world of superficial relationships, or has your experience with dating been different? Do you think the rise of the casual dating culture has generally made singles happier or unhappier? If the latter, why do you think so many singles continue to participate in it?